Anyone else with similar experiences?

[allowmeauser]

I’ve had sex with girls a few times, but most of my sexual encounters have been with men. I don’t identify as gay or bisexual—I’m really only attracted to women. But being with guys feels different… it’s almost mechanical, like masturbation, purely physical. With women, I want more—real closeness, real intimacy—but I struggle to fully connect.

 

[WreckedRick]

I was married for 8 yrs to a woman I did love, we have a son. But during the marriage I could not stop having sex with men. And yes sex with men is just that, sex, or a least so far it has been. A way to act out, or to have sex without the need to "court".

 

[Maleelder]

I’ve had sex with girls a few times, but most of my sexual encounters have been with men. I don’t identify as gay or bisexual—I’m really only attracted to women. But being with guys feels different… it’s almost mechanical, like masturbation, purely physical. With women, I want more—real closeness, real intimacy—but I struggle to fully connect.

Oh I totally relate. I don’t get romantic with men but crave the sexual connection.

 

[GaD3!]

A while back this topic was discussed in another thread and one of the members (Odat) who has not bee around in a while talked about this- that due to one's abuse there what is called a desire template- one can desire the deep intimacy with females and be straight and yet have an arousal template that causes them to have the desire to share sex with men. He mentioned a book called Secret Shame written by Douglas Carpenter in which discusses this topic.

 

[broncosfann1979]

My experience had the opposite effect. While I have nothing against gay men, I would rather be celibate than get with a man. My experiences involved zero pleasure or intimacy. They were purely times of pain and suffering.

 

[idkwhoiam]

Sex has always felt weird and that something was wrong, like I was doing it wrong. I couldn't find something that felt right or that made me feel good (on the rare occasions it did, it felt weird after climax).
I've made really bad choices along the years and put myself in bad/dangerous relationships. I had a very disturbing porn addiction and the shit I used to watch... Eventually I just stopped trying, gave up sex (I even wondered if maybe I was assexual and was just trying to force myself into sex because of society).
Anyways, fastforward three years ago. I find this awesome, amazing partner. We bond on an emotional level (that was never the hard part to me) but for some reason I wanted to have sex again. The first few times I struggled to get hard and resorted to drugs (legal and illegal ones) and things were going ok. Nowadays we are very open and communicate a lot, which helps, but I often disassociate during sex, feel bad or like I'm doing something wrong.
I could never truly understand why I felt this way or thought like that. That is until a few months ago when memories of my abuse started coming back. Now I don't really know how to process it.
Like, I never truly new or understood why sex was so messy to me, so I just assumed that was what it was and people were overselling it or that was just how I was wired you know?
But now I'm positive what I've been through affected all of my behaviors. I was "ok" accepting the fact sex was never going to be great for me, now IDK anymore I honestly feel like all my life I didn't really know myself and I don't know where to start. Not sure if that even makes sense

 

[GaD3!]

Sex has always felt weird and that something was wrong, like I was doing it wrong. I couldn't find something that felt right or that made me feel good (on the rare occasions it did, it felt weird after climax).
I've made really bad choices along the years and put myself in bad/dangerous relationships. I had a very disturbing porn addiction and the shit I used to watch... Eventually I just stopped trying, gave up sex (I even wondered if maybe I was assexual and was just trying to force myself into sex because of society).
Anyways, fastforward three years ago. I find this awesome, amazing partner. We bond on an emotional level (that was never the hard part to me) but for some reason I wanted to have sex again. The first few times I struggled to get hard and resorted to drugs (legal and illegal ones) and things were going ok. Nowadays we are very open and communicate a lot, which helps, but I often disassociate during sex, feel bad or like I'm doing something wrong.
I could never truly understand why I felt this way or thought like that. That is until a few months ago when memories of my abuse started coming back. Now I don't really know how to process it.
Like, I never truly new or understood why sex was so messy to me, so I just assumed that was what it was and people were overselling it or that was just how I was wired you know?
But now I'm positive what I've been through affected all of my behaviors. I was "ok" accepting the fact sex was never going to be great for me, now IDK anymore I honestly feel like all my life I didn't really know myself and I don't know where to start. Not sure if that even makes sense

Yes this makes much sense. The wounds inflicted by sexual abuse are very deep and they can affect all aspects of one's life. If you have not yet done so I would highly recommend that you seek out the assistance of a therapist trained in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues. Take care.

 

[idkwhoiam]

Thanks Gad3, I already have been through therapy for the last 7 years or so and now I'm looking for someone specialized in this field, but I don't have enough money for that at the moment, so I'm searching for NGOs, GOs, popular clinics (not sure that's a thing in the US, but it is here in Brasil). They aren't great and tend to take longer but I've use these kinds of services in the past and I think they'll help

 

[Gomers]

A while back this topic was discussed in another thread and one of the members (Odat) who has not bee around in a while talked about this- that due to one's abuse there what is called a desire template- one can desire the deep intimacy with females and be straight and yet have an arousal template that causes them to have the desire to share sex with men. He mentioned a book called Secret Shame written by Douglas Carpenter in which discusses this topic.

Secret Shame is an amazing, insightful book. It explained so much about our "Sexual Template" created by the abuse. It explained so much about how i feel and how I have acted. Through the book and therapy I have realised that I have never been romatically attracted to men, but the mechanical action of sex with a man is arousing. The book made my life so much clearer.

 

[idkwhoiam]

Thank you for your suggestion Gomers, I'll search for a copy of the book
Might I just add that the phrasing at the beginning was really funny it made me giggle

 

[Dost]

I can relate 100%. I identify as straight and the abuse caused "sexual disorientation."

Sexual Disorientation of Male Sexual Abuse Survivors

Sexual abuse disorients you; it does not orient you. Consider straight men who have sex with men due to childhood sexual abuse.

www.psychologytoday.com