Stepping over a threshold

[i-m-Bri]

In 2014, I started working with a personal trainer. I am still with him.

Tonight, he sent a link to my old interview for his blog.
I got highly emotional remembering what it was like to DARE believe I belonged in his world.
Speaking to a straight man was forbidden.
My gayness didn't make me lesser...my total being did.
Speaking to a muscular, straight man was so much worse.
But I did.
I stepped over that threshold against all fear.
I walked into the life I always wanted,to be a person who lifted weights, to be the man I wanted to be.

Yours is just one step away.

 

[DanielQ432]

I did something similar some years back, as a way to try and reclaim some of the life I never had and always wanted. It was one of the most terrifying things I ever did, joining a gym, hiring a trainer. I stuck with it for a lot of years - and it was completely awesome. I never felt I belonged in the world of men ... and then I kind of did. I still struggled constantly with a lot of things that frustrated me. My underlying health issues never let me accomplish what I really wanted, which would have been a great physique, muscular build, physical strength and aerobic endurance.

Even so, it was literally the most fucking awesome thing I ever did in my life.

Then I blew it and lost it all. I was getting frustrated because I couldn't fully achieve what I wanted, but I was sticking with it until I had a bad accident that really got me off track - the irony is that one of the things I took up to improve my health was cycling, which I LOVED - and I crashed and broke multiple bones, had some surgeries and a lot of PT, and I vowed I wouldn't let it get me off track. But of course, it did. Then being home for over a year, alone and depressed and anxious, during the pandemic, gave me a great excuse to fully say, "oh, fuck it, just eat the whole damned bag of Reeses."

Now I'm just a mess again, my biggest "accomplishment" in health since the pandemic occurred has been to lose about 50 pounds by taking Ozempic, which works only while taking it. It works because it makes me so nauseous all day who wants to eat? I stopped taking it for a couple of weeks just because I needed a break, and I felt a lot better ... and I wanted to eat everything in sight. It's a sad day when you look at the box of Kleenex on your desk and think 'hmmm, that looks tasty!"

I hate myself because I blew it. And I really want to try to go back, but I think between age and health, I have crossed a line where it's just not going to happen ... or if I did, it would be a case of ever-diminishing returns.

However, @i-m-Bri - you are absolutely correct - it's about mindset and thinking you can do it. The psychology of what's going on with me is so messed up that it's not healthy or right, either. The reason, at the time, I did what I did was because I thought my life was over and I was going to die, and I just wanted to go down swinging. Now, although I feel like I'm going to die because of my health issues IF I DON'T CHANGE MY WAYS VERY SOON, I don't feel like I'm going to die because someone is going to lock me up and throw away the key ... and that was what really motivated me back then. But that's me, a crisis is what motivates me to move ....

God, you are SO RIGHT, @i-m-Bri - I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my ass. It's just hard, setting aside ALL of my MH issues, there were a lot of things with wrong with my body then that made it tough, and the things that wouldn't improve no matter how healthy I were to be just have gotten worse over the years. I think about getting back on a bike all of the time, I want to, and I just never do it.

 

[i-m-Bri]

@DanielQ432 Man, you've been through hell. I am so sorry.

I hate myself because I blew it. And I really want to try to go back, but I think between age and health, I have crossed a line where it's just not going to happen ... or if I did, it would be a case of ever-diminishing returns.

Ugh, I know that feeling. When I started with my trainer, I was 55. I was never going to be the guys I admired growing up. But I could be better then what I was.
Daniel, today is the perfect day to start.
It's not starting over, or picking up.
It's just starting something new.
Something to make you better.
The thing that really stopped me was I didn't feel worthy of treating myself well.
I wasn't worthy of good nutrition.
And I certainly wasn't worthy of wasting space in a weight room.
But we are.

What is the one thing you could do today to say fuck this negative shit; I am planting my flag and moving on?

 

[DanielQ432]

@DanielQ432 Man, you've been through hell. I am so sorry.

Ugh, I know that feeling. When I started with my trainer, I was 55. I was never going to be the guys I admired growing up. But I could be better then what I was.
Daniel, today is the perfect day to start.
It's not starting over, or picking up.
It's just starting something new.
Something to make you better.
The thing that really stopped me was I didn't feel worthy of treating myself well.
I wasn't worthy of good nutrition.
And I certainly wasn't worthy of wasting space in a weight room.
But we are.

What is the one thing you could do today to say fuck this negative shit; I am planting my flag and moving on?

Thanks, man, I appreciate it. Your post inspired me, I went searching through my storage room for the battery charger for my e-bike. After I broke my leg in the accident, I bought an e-bike. It's kind of cheating ... well, it can be 100% cheating IF you use full-throttle, no-pedal mode. But it also has variable assistance so the motor can do anything from 0% to 100% of the work. I did ride some after the accident, and I still loved it, it was just also a little psychologically intimidating. I don't remember the actual accident, I blacked out for a few minutes, which is good, because I don't remember crashing and falling. Right now, I couldn't pedal a regular bike, my knee is pretty messed up and my lungs are not great. But I'm going to give it a try.

I've already been working on trying to eat better. I don't know about you, but EVERYTHING seems like an obstacle - food is problematic because the thing I should be eating most - protein - just disgusts me most of the time. But I just bought 2 big jars of no sugar whey protein powder, I'm going to try to get in at least 150 grams a day AND take the iron and B vitamins I need to try and keep my anemia under control.

THANK YOU! I needed some motivation.

 

[i-m-Bri]

There are a lot of obstacles, but take off one brick at a time. Try the bike. If it's too much, do something else.

Sometimes, I approach nutrition as medicine. It sounds gross, but I mean it as a way of attending to my needs.

 

[Silly]

Kudos to you both! I'm inspired to health just by reading. I'm 57 now and have begun to show my age by way of creaky knees and joints that just don't want cooperate the way they used to. A few days ago I knocked out a 17 mile hike and despite the aches, I feel great! I've also added a bicycle into the mix, and I'm comfortable on 5 and 10 mile rides (hoping for bigger and things!). My weight has fluctuated after moving back into my boyhood home (25 pound gain)... it's mostly depression eating - so now the task is to shed that gain. I'll keep ya posted!

Here's a few pics - https://sillysurvives.blogspot.com

Peace. Love, and Brussel Sprouts

 

[i-m-Bri]

@Silly it’s strange how weight gain can take you by surprise. About 30 years old I couldn’t deny I was fat (187 on my frame isn’t nice). That’s when I started my fitness journey…sneaking into a gym at 5 am so no one would see me.

My doctor is young and brings a fresh approach. When we discovered arthritis in my knees I was afraid he was going to limit my activity. But he did just the opposite! Jog, squats, leg extensions…! They have learned our joints aren’t limited to a limited number of uses. They respond better to use than being idle.

Love your blog. It’s a breath of fresh air. I have one, Owning it where I post a lot of bodybuilding stuff from a survivor perspective.

 

[wolfbane]

Sometimes, I approach nutrition as medicine. It sounds gross, but I mean it as a way of attending to my needs.

Nutrition is medicine I'm a type 2 diabetic. I changed my diet and in six months I reversed the diabetes. In a year, I had dropped 70 pounds. I maintained for 3 years until my CSA demanded to be recognized and I reverted to my old diet to eat the pain away. It hasn't worked.

 

[Photoman]

@Silly it’s strange how weight gain can take you by surprise.

I had the totally opposite, after losing my wife and daughter I had lost 80 pounds because I was taking care of them and not myself. That was 3 years ago and I still can't gain any of my weight back. When you lose weight that fast, your skin looks like a deflated tire, hanging loose skin. It's not just my belly, it's my arms, knees, and back.

So after trying hard to gain weight with no success I decided to join a gym. Nothing else I can drink protein and build muscle. After a year I did look better. My skin was tightening some but still sagging. But it made me feel good even though I have to drive an hour one way to get to the closest gym.

Then in March I had that gallbladder attack and the failed 'one day surgery' to remove my gallbladder. I've had 4 procedures with one more to go first week in July. I was in the hospital for most of March. A true nightmare that almost took my life. It looked like I was shot with a shotgun shell in my belly region with so many holes in me. It's took me until now to get back in the gym and start all over.

I am determined to work hard and look/feel better.

 

[i-m-Bri]

I’m sorry @wolfbane. I hope you can get back. Isn’t it weird how pain goes looking for solutions that seem to always make matters worse? I wish it wasn’t like that. When I am hurting I am even less in touch than when I am raging.
Can you

 

[Curiouspaints]

In 2014, I started working with a personal trainer. I am still with him.

Tonight, he sent a link to my old interview for his blog.
I got highly emotional remembering what it was like to DARE believe I belonged in his world.
Speaking to a straight man was forbidden.
My gayness didn't make me lesser...my total being did.
Speaking to a muscular, straight man was so much worse.
But I did.
I stepped over that threshold against all fear.
I walked into the life I always wanted,to be a person who lifted weights, to be the man I wanted to be.

Yours is just one step away.

Congratulations on your victory

 

[i-m-Bri]

@Photoman that sounds so painful. I hope this is the last one you’ll need.

Good job getting back at it! You’ve been through a string of horrible battles. It’s inspiring that you’ve working on it!

 

[i-m-Bri]

Congratulations on your victory

Thank you!

 

[Silly]

They have learned our joints aren’t limited to a limited number of uses. They respond better to use than being idle.

What's the old adage... "Use it or lose it!"

 

[DanielQ432]

I'm working on prepping my bike. I haven't been on it since early in the pandemic, when I went on a short ride on Easter Sunday. Unfortunately I discovered that the charger doesn't work, so I had to order one from the company. It should be here on Wednesday. I'm ok with taking things slow. When I think about it, in the quiet moments at night, I am still kind of afraid. I don't remember the actual accident, just waking up sprawled out on the pavement, bleeding, and wrapped up in the bike. So I have to work on not being afraid, too.

I'm just trying to focus on the part of that experience was awesome, feeling like a real man for once in my life, pushing my boundaries without fear.

 

[Curiouspaints]

I'm working on prepping my bike. I haven't been on it since early in the pandemic, when I went on a short ride on Easter Sunday. Unfortunately I discovered that the charger doesn't work, so I had to order one from the company. It should be here on Wednesday. I'm ok with taking things slow. When I think about it, in the quiet moments at night, I am still kind of afraid. I don't remember the actual accident, just waking up sprawled out on the pavement, bleeding, and wrapped up in the bike. So I have to work on not being afraid, too.

I'm just trying to focus on the part of that experience was awesome, feeling like a real man for once in my life, pushing my boundaries without fear.

That last part is super relevant fear isn’t helpful must confront like a warrior

 

[i-m-Bri]

I don't remember the actual accident, just waking up sprawled out on the pavement, bleeding, and wrapped up in the bike. So I have to work on not being afraid, too.

Have you ever read “The body remembers the score”? It’s a great resource for survivors, but also all kinds of trauma. You may gain some insights regarding the accident and your feelings about it.
I don’t think trauma needs to be in our conscious memory to affect us. In fact I think it makes it harder to address.

I agree with @Curiouspaints, but my favorite phrase is something like:“Courage isn’t the lack of fear. But doing what you must regardless.”

 

[Curiouspaints]

 

[i-m-Bri]

I came here to see how @DanielQ432 was doing with his bike.
But I got hit with my own words!

I don’t think trauma needs to be in our conscious memory to affect us. In fact I think it makes it harder to address.

This is exactly what I was asking about in my post Trauma when drugged ***TRIGGERS***

 

[Jeremy Doe]

In 2014, I started working with a personal trainer. I am still with him.

Tonight, he sent a link to my old interview for his blog.
I got highly emotional remembering what it was like to DARE believe I belonged in his world.
Speaking to a straight man was forbidden.
My gayness didn't make me lesser...my total being did.
Speaking to a muscular, straight man was so much worse.
But I did.
I stepped over that threshold against all fear.
I walked into the life I always wanted,to be a person who lifted weights, to be the man I wanted to be.

Yours is just one step away.

I might be missing it. You worked with this trainer 10 years ago, or you're still working with him. Personal fitness and health transcend sexuality or sexual orientation. I've known straight people who lack musculature, and I've known gay folks who were quite fit. One could argue, I've been with both in either situation.

What happened with the trainer?