Said One Thing, Helped A Lot

[SayItRight]

Had one of those moments in therapy this week when I decided to say the "one little thing" that was stuck in the back of my mind while I was talking about something else. Just an aside; a short description of the atmosphere in the place I was living when I was in 6th grade. Holy shit; emotional to even just write about it now.

When I said it in therapy, I got unexpectedly choked up. My therapist listened and said something back to me; pretty short, affirming, as he usually is. He heard me. I know he understands. I managed to look him in the eyes while he was saying it.

And holy shit if I haven't been coming unglued this entire week ever since that interaction. Just falling apart. I don't show it to anyone of course, but you know what I mean. Like I'm unspooling. Its weird to me how some things like that, little details, can undo me more than talking through extended sessions about abuse, specific incidents, whole awful periods of years, bad beatings, etc. ever has.

And then today: insights. A flood of insights. I haven't journaled in years but there I was with the old journal out, writing down paragraphs and paragraphs of shit (good shit: connections, understandings) before I forgot them. Insights pouring out. Don't know what I'm trying to say here but felt I needed to say it.

Always inspiring to read what so many of you post here. I rarely log in but I read often. I hope everyone finds at least one thing today to keep them going in strength, even if it is no more than their own decision to keep going despite all else. That's where the real power is, right? And then the insights come.

 

[smc1972]

Its weird to me how some things like that, little details, can undo me

Not weird as I think a lot if not all of us have has similar experiences. I think it does depend on what else is happening in one’s life. Like you are more sensitive or attuned at times so they have a greater impact. Right now the past two weeks have been like that for me. With the move out of my ex and the dog. I am now back in the house to get myself moved after almost 4 months. When I walked back in for the first time Sunday since he left I lost it. As I went from room to room, seeing little things I just got hit harder and harder and was just sobbing. I could not stay the night here. Even though it has become easier there are still little things that bring in memories and emotions.

I say all that because I think it is the same with memories of little things at time. At time they can carry and provoke strong emotions. Maybe we just get low on energy in being able to minimize things.

And then today: insights. A flood of insights. I haven't journaled in years but there I was with the old journal out, writing down paragraphs and paragraphs of shit (good shit: connections, understandings) before I forgot them. Insights pouring out. Don't know what I'm trying to say here but felt I needed to say it.

I think that is great for you. Your getting things out and on to paper which allows you to reflect on things better. I think you brain was just ready to let these things go. Like it know when your are ready in a way.

Spiraling sucks but it sounds like you have managed to come out of it which is the important part. Keep sharing since it will help you and maybe someone else.

 

[SayItRight]

@smc1972 I always find your replies to be on point, as well as thoughtful and personal. Thanks for taking the time, especially with everything you have going on.

I've seen some of your recent posts. I can't imagine how tough all that must be. I hope once the move out is done, you get a chance to rest some and re-group. From what I've seen, you made 100% the right choice although I'm sure knowing that doesn't make any of it easier. Thanks for your sharing your difficult journey here. I hope it helps you to write it as much as it has helped me to read it.