Round two .... " Trigger warning"
Healing light
Registrant
My current T has taken me right back to the beginning of the abuse again, I didn't want to as I felt like I had dealt with that and was struggling with later abuse but he explained why we needed to so I accepted that
How differently I am seeing things on the second visit back to the first one
This is effecting my interaction with my family he has took me to a place where I'm not attached to my mother my abuser my uncle wanted the primary caregiver attachment as him he worked hard on that. I have noticed that I feel abandoned by my mother again when I am not being in reality it's me detaching from her and her trying to cling on to something anything even a little bit of what we have built in recent years and since my disclosure.
My uncle is deceased , for the first time in the journey I have intense rage towards him he did a real good job grooming me.
He knew exactly what he were doing from start to finish I didn't see it like that before for some reason more like that's just how it turned out I didn't see the planning the perfect execution of those plans makes me feel real sick
How could he look at me a toddler his nephew and then knowingly destroy me
I am an uncle I have a nephew now the same age I was then that drives home the level of evil I faced.
It feels like I have cut an old wound that bit deeper.
I'm a bit worried about the road this therapy is on whilst knowing I need to be on it I need to somehow convey the above to my T show him I'm struggling I'm not good at that the defences all come up , the mask goes on. My other T had a rapour with me before discussing this this one hasn't think she saw behind the mask more than he does.
I'm not sure I feel ready to walk this road
I'm not sure I have any other choices though
I know what's up ahead the T has no idea it's not an informed choice he has made because I haven't informed him and maybe I should
But that would mean taking off the mask and letting down the defenses and being really vunerable
Just writing this so it's out of my head wondering if anyone else identify at all
Peace
HL
How differently I am seeing things on the second visit back to the first one
This is effecting my interaction with my family he has took me to a place where I'm not attached to my mother my abuser my uncle wanted the primary caregiver attachment as him he worked hard on that. I have noticed that I feel abandoned by my mother again when I am not being in reality it's me detaching from her and her trying to cling on to something anything even a little bit of what we have built in recent years and since my disclosure.
My uncle is deceased , for the first time in the journey I have intense rage towards him he did a real good job grooming me.
He knew exactly what he were doing from start to finish I didn't see it like that before for some reason more like that's just how it turned out I didn't see the planning the perfect execution of those plans makes me feel real sick
How could he look at me a toddler his nephew and then knowingly destroy me
I am an uncle I have a nephew now the same age I was then that drives home the level of evil I faced.
It feels like I have cut an old wound that bit deeper.
I'm a bit worried about the road this therapy is on whilst knowing I need to be on it I need to somehow convey the above to my T show him I'm struggling I'm not good at that the defences all come up , the mask goes on. My other T had a rapour with me before discussing this this one hasn't think she saw behind the mask more than he does.
I'm not sure I feel ready to walk this road
I'm not sure I have any other choices though
I know what's up ahead the T has no idea it's not an informed choice he has made because I haven't informed him and maybe I should
But that would mean taking off the mask and letting down the defenses and being really vunerable
Just writing this so it's out of my head wondering if anyone else identify at all
Peace
HL