*Triggers Possible* New here, just starting my journey.
N4rwhal
Registrant
I wanted to share my story and and maybe get advice on how to heal and move forward.
For some quick background I grew up with 2 older sisters, They both were in many sports/extracurriculars when I was growing up. I was the tag along baby brother. So I got very used to the idea of just going with whatever is happening. As my mother put it "Nothing ever bothered me, it all just flowed down my back" which of course was not true It was just learned conflict avoidance.
Fast forward to 18yr old, freshman year of college, first semester. After classed my new college aquintances and I were playing card games and in walks this women who i could tell was older maybe mid twentys, I thought she was beautiful and she came and sat right next to me to join in the game. Immediately we started flirting and eventually exchanged contact info. A few days later she asked me to come to a bullying awareness event, it was very a very odd thing where they did a mock bullying of the participants (Like walking down a hallway getting insults yelled at you). The main thing I remember from it is this women yelling back at them, she was the only person to do it, and at the time I found it funny. That first date went well and she invited me back to her apartment and we had sex, it wasn't good, I did not last long at all. She reassured me it was okay and that "you'll get better with more practice and we will have plenty of practice" While we were cuddling afterwards she finally asked how old I was and I told her I was 18 but would be 19 soon. She told me she was 29. I laughed about it then and told her I thought she was younger but I felt something was off. I stayed there that night. Things went well for a few weeks it was seeming a nice new relationship, who cared about the age difference right?
Until one night that I was staying with her and her phone rang, she told me to get dressed and move my things to the couch. I asked why and she told me she had another boyfriend but she was planning on breaking up with him, she was staying with him because of the lease on her apartment. being naive and a people pleaser I said okay did what she told me. Soon after He showed up, came in took his boots off looked at me like nothing of It and went right back to her bedroom like he lived there, because he did. I heard them yelling at each other and silence then I could hear her moaning. They were having sex. She came out wrapped just in her comforter and assured me that he would move out soon. She said she loved talking with me though so she needed me for my brain, but she needed him sexually. Later though other conversations i learned this was because I couldn't perform as well and she wanted sex 3-5 times a day. I learned the other guy was almost the same age as me19. I slept that night on the couch and while I was eating breakfast he came out of the bedroom in gym shorts. I could she the whole outline of his penis and it was large. I am not. I knew I couldn't satisfy her the way she wanted.
Stunned by this I was pretty numb the next few days and we didn't really talk about it. I wanted to end the relationship but I cared for her so I wanted to please her, eventually the emotions became too much and I had my first panic attack. When they happen I get rapid flashes of senerios in my mind good bad and everything, they can become so rapid that I lose control and freeze or shake and go non-verbal. When I described this to her she convinced me that it was a waking dream and I needed to speak with a dream interpreter which she happened to know one that was her gay friend. she called him up and he came over to interpret my "dream" I don't remember the specifics of this but it convinced me to stay with her and continue the relationships.
Everything felt off but I was going with it I thought it would get better. maybe a week later I was working on homework and get text from her asking where I was, I told her in a private study room in the library, didn't tell her which one. A few minutes later I see her looking into the other rooms until she finds mine. I let her in and try to continue my assignments. At some point she reaches for my hand and shoved it down her pants, I didn't want to do anything at that point I was doing schoolwork and there were windows on the room anyone could see what was happening. I tried to pull my hand back but she pushed it further down and then pushed my fingers inside her. I thought I guess if she really wants this I'll do it. Afterwards I felt gross. This happened multiple more times throughout the relationship over time I would get vaguer about where I was studying but she always seemed to find me and she knew my class schedule so she knew when I was on campus and not in class.
I still continued the relationship even though i was not comfortable with what she was doing, I told myself that this is just how these college relationships were, it was my first one so I wouldn't know. one day in particular, i was Hanging out at her apartment and was laying on her bed relaxing and she decided she wanted sex so she pulled down my pants and got on top of me, I didn't want to but she didn't ask, she didn't care. During sex there was a knock on the door and she just told them to come in without hesitation. we were the only ones in the appartment her bedroom door was wide open they would see us when they walked in It was her gay friend, she told me not to worry he wont mind and invited him back to the bedroom with us, all while still riding me. he sat there next to the bed talking to her while we had sex just watching us. once I "finished" we laid naked in front of him and they talked as if I wasn't there about how cute and little my penis was. I was petrified, I just let it happen until they were done. he never touched me but sat very close maybe 2 feet away from us leaning in to look at me closer as they humiliated me, he saw everything. I wasn't a child anymore so I didn't belive it was abuse. plus it was sex with my girlfriend as her boyfriend I was supose to enjoy that, want that anytime right?
a few weeks later she called me over for an emergency, and she told me she was pregnant showing me a test with an extremely faint line. We never used condoms, she told me she was allergic to latex she had an IUD so it was okay not to pull out. she made me come to the gyno with her, I waited in the waiting room and when we got to the care she told me it was confirmed. a few days later she had a misscarige. it is not until these memories re-surfaced that I'm realizing this was probably faked.
Fighting between us increased to multiple times a week as there were more issue with the "soon to move out boyfriend" until one night she actually packed all his stuff and put it in front of the door for him to take when he got home. Of course I was there and it was a repeat of every time he came home before, when she told me he was staying I had enough and I grabbed my things and went to a friend's apartment that was down a floor. Eventually, she texted me that she wanted to talk and I accepted. she came down and the argument continued I told her I was done, she started to cry, and then kissed me I started kissing her back and immediately she reached for my hand and tried put it down her pants again. I had enough. I stood up grabbed my things and left, never spoke to her again. The relationship lasted about 6 months.
because of her interuptions and demand of my time I failed 1 class and almost failed another 2.
I chalked it up as a bad relationship and continued life.
I isolated the funny moments in the relationship and only focused on them as a coping mechanism. shoved it deep down
fast forward to 3 years ago I had just got engaged and something happened in our relationship that made feel extremely insecure, it caused me to have these panic attacks again. We focused on getting me back to baseline and stopping them. I didn't dive into why I was feeling them I just wanted them to stop, and eventually they did.
The brings us to today, I am married and have a wonderful and extremely supportive wife. I got triggered again and started creating senerios in my head of why she was going to leave me. I went through a week of panic attacks and this time I was determined to figure out why it was happening. After Journaling almost every deep thought I had and many extremely difficult conversations and tears these memories were unlocked for me. it has been over 10 years since it happened but now it feels like it was yesterday. I haven't been able to verbalize everything to my therapist yet but I wrote it down and showed my wife today, I'm know things will get better eventually but I just feel lost.
For some quick background I grew up with 2 older sisters, They both were in many sports/extracurriculars when I was growing up. I was the tag along baby brother. So I got very used to the idea of just going with whatever is happening. As my mother put it "Nothing ever bothered me, it all just flowed down my back" which of course was not true It was just learned conflict avoidance.
Fast forward to 18yr old, freshman year of college, first semester. After classed my new college aquintances and I were playing card games and in walks this women who i could tell was older maybe mid twentys, I thought she was beautiful and she came and sat right next to me to join in the game. Immediately we started flirting and eventually exchanged contact info. A few days later she asked me to come to a bullying awareness event, it was very a very odd thing where they did a mock bullying of the participants (Like walking down a hallway getting insults yelled at you). The main thing I remember from it is this women yelling back at them, she was the only person to do it, and at the time I found it funny. That first date went well and she invited me back to her apartment and we had sex, it wasn't good, I did not last long at all. She reassured me it was okay and that "you'll get better with more practice and we will have plenty of practice" While we were cuddling afterwards she finally asked how old I was and I told her I was 18 but would be 19 soon. She told me she was 29. I laughed about it then and told her I thought she was younger but I felt something was off. I stayed there that night. Things went well for a few weeks it was seeming a nice new relationship, who cared about the age difference right?
Until one night that I was staying with her and her phone rang, she told me to get dressed and move my things to the couch. I asked why and she told me she had another boyfriend but she was planning on breaking up with him, she was staying with him because of the lease on her apartment. being naive and a people pleaser I said okay did what she told me. Soon after He showed up, came in took his boots off looked at me like nothing of It and went right back to her bedroom like he lived there, because he did. I heard them yelling at each other and silence then I could hear her moaning. They were having sex. She came out wrapped just in her comforter and assured me that he would move out soon. She said she loved talking with me though so she needed me for my brain, but she needed him sexually. Later though other conversations i learned this was because I couldn't perform as well and she wanted sex 3-5 times a day. I learned the other guy was almost the same age as me19. I slept that night on the couch and while I was eating breakfast he came out of the bedroom in gym shorts. I could she the whole outline of his penis and it was large. I am not. I knew I couldn't satisfy her the way she wanted.
Stunned by this I was pretty numb the next few days and we didn't really talk about it. I wanted to end the relationship but I cared for her so I wanted to please her, eventually the emotions became too much and I had my first panic attack. When they happen I get rapid flashes of senerios in my mind good bad and everything, they can become so rapid that I lose control and freeze or shake and go non-verbal. When I described this to her she convinced me that it was a waking dream and I needed to speak with a dream interpreter which she happened to know one that was her gay friend. she called him up and he came over to interpret my "dream" I don't remember the specifics of this but it convinced me to stay with her and continue the relationships.
Everything felt off but I was going with it I thought it would get better. maybe a week later I was working on homework and get text from her asking where I was, I told her in a private study room in the library, didn't tell her which one. A few minutes later I see her looking into the other rooms until she finds mine. I let her in and try to continue my assignments. At some point she reaches for my hand and shoved it down her pants, I didn't want to do anything at that point I was doing schoolwork and there were windows on the room anyone could see what was happening. I tried to pull my hand back but she pushed it further down and then pushed my fingers inside her. I thought I guess if she really wants this I'll do it. Afterwards I felt gross. This happened multiple more times throughout the relationship over time I would get vaguer about where I was studying but she always seemed to find me and she knew my class schedule so she knew when I was on campus and not in class.
I still continued the relationship even though i was not comfortable with what she was doing, I told myself that this is just how these college relationships were, it was my first one so I wouldn't know. one day in particular, i was Hanging out at her apartment and was laying on her bed relaxing and she decided she wanted sex so she pulled down my pants and got on top of me, I didn't want to but she didn't ask, she didn't care. During sex there was a knock on the door and she just told them to come in without hesitation. we were the only ones in the appartment her bedroom door was wide open they would see us when they walked in It was her gay friend, she told me not to worry he wont mind and invited him back to the bedroom with us, all while still riding me. he sat there next to the bed talking to her while we had sex just watching us. once I "finished" we laid naked in front of him and they talked as if I wasn't there about how cute and little my penis was. I was petrified, I just let it happen until they were done. he never touched me but sat very close maybe 2 feet away from us leaning in to look at me closer as they humiliated me, he saw everything. I wasn't a child anymore so I didn't belive it was abuse. plus it was sex with my girlfriend as her boyfriend I was supose to enjoy that, want that anytime right?
a few weeks later she called me over for an emergency, and she told me she was pregnant showing me a test with an extremely faint line. We never used condoms, she told me she was allergic to latex she had an IUD so it was okay not to pull out. she made me come to the gyno with her, I waited in the waiting room and when we got to the care she told me it was confirmed. a few days later she had a misscarige. it is not until these memories re-surfaced that I'm realizing this was probably faked.
Fighting between us increased to multiple times a week as there were more issue with the "soon to move out boyfriend" until one night she actually packed all his stuff and put it in front of the door for him to take when he got home. Of course I was there and it was a repeat of every time he came home before, when she told me he was staying I had enough and I grabbed my things and went to a friend's apartment that was down a floor. Eventually, she texted me that she wanted to talk and I accepted. she came down and the argument continued I told her I was done, she started to cry, and then kissed me I started kissing her back and immediately she reached for my hand and tried put it down her pants again. I had enough. I stood up grabbed my things and left, never spoke to her again. The relationship lasted about 6 months.
because of her interuptions and demand of my time I failed 1 class and almost failed another 2.
I chalked it up as a bad relationship and continued life.
I isolated the funny moments in the relationship and only focused on them as a coping mechanism. shoved it deep down
fast forward to 3 years ago I had just got engaged and something happened in our relationship that made feel extremely insecure, it caused me to have these panic attacks again. We focused on getting me back to baseline and stopping them. I didn't dive into why I was feeling them I just wanted them to stop, and eventually they did.
The brings us to today, I am married and have a wonderful and extremely supportive wife. I got triggered again and started creating senerios in my head of why she was going to leave me. I went through a week of panic attacks and this time I was determined to figure out why it was happening. After Journaling almost every deep thought I had and many extremely difficult conversations and tears these memories were unlocked for me. it has been over 10 years since it happened but now it feels like it was yesterday. I haven't been able to verbalize everything to my therapist yet but I wrote it down and showed my wife today, I'm know things will get better eventually but I just feel lost.
