My aunt and other issues
I really played this down/repressed this for years, but recently, through art therapy, things have become clearer.
This was the Mid/late 1970s. My aunt who was bipolar was staying with us for a time. Brilliant intelligent woman who would go off the rails once in a while. That was part of why I sort of dismissed what happened as I thought about it a bit later in life.
I used to masturbate by rubbing on something, like a door frame or banister. The friction did it. I didn't learn any other way for a long time because there wasn't any reason too. Except privacy. My parents were pretty cool about knocking but I wasn't allowed to have the door locked. They were also pretty cool about porn, and being a teenage boy etc. nothing out of the norm. My mom wanted to be cool but she was older than my dad and from a repressed generation. Dad was ok. We had couple conversations. No issues.
I was rubbing on the closet door frame when I heard my aunt awake across the hall or or right outside. I pulled up my pj's and was in the center of the room and she just walked in. She was older than my mom and while I loved her (til then), she wasn't attractive. Not long ago, an older woman friend declared her undying love for me (completely out of the blue). She was more like my aunt. Not a woman I was attracted too. She pushed the "let's just cuddle" thing so much that it brought another incident to mind, too.
Anyway, my aunt said something like "I heard you were awake and wanted to kiss you goodnight." She gave me a peck on the lips, looked at me, then kissed me again with her tongue. Other than "show me yours" games when I was really little, this was the first sexual contact of my life. I stood there like a person in an alien movie. Knew what was happening. Could not stop it. Not long after (maybe it was a couple days later during that stay or another visit about that time), she came into the room at night again. I want to say I was masturbating again, but I don't remember. Maybe I think I was, and it was the other thing. She sat on the edge of my bed, gently pulled the covers back and sucked me. By this point, I was around 12, I didn't wear pj's anymore. My memory of it is still coming back but I think she just got up and left at some point. I don't know if I came or not.
Somehow I seemed to instinctually knew to keep my mouth shut. My dad might have killed her, literally. He was volatile. My Mom would either have denied it, thought I was dreaming, or perhaps would have had a talk with her sister, but I knew that whatever happened it would stress me out, destroy the family, etc. never said a word about it until I was speaking to a GF about ten years ago and she told me she was the survivor of much more intense familial abuse and white slavery until she was early teens.
I've recently had some revelations about my sexuality that have made me question a couple of other things that may or may not have occurred with another adult.
This was the Mid/late 1970s. My aunt who was bipolar was staying with us for a time. Brilliant intelligent woman who would go off the rails once in a while. That was part of why I sort of dismissed what happened as I thought about it a bit later in life.
I used to masturbate by rubbing on something, like a door frame or banister. The friction did it. I didn't learn any other way for a long time because there wasn't any reason too. Except privacy. My parents were pretty cool about knocking but I wasn't allowed to have the door locked. They were also pretty cool about porn, and being a teenage boy etc. nothing out of the norm. My mom wanted to be cool but she was older than my dad and from a repressed generation. Dad was ok. We had couple conversations. No issues.
I was rubbing on the closet door frame when I heard my aunt awake across the hall or or right outside. I pulled up my pj's and was in the center of the room and she just walked in. She was older than my mom and while I loved her (til then), she wasn't attractive. Not long ago, an older woman friend declared her undying love for me (completely out of the blue). She was more like my aunt. Not a woman I was attracted too. She pushed the "let's just cuddle" thing so much that it brought another incident to mind, too.
Anyway, my aunt said something like "I heard you were awake and wanted to kiss you goodnight." She gave me a peck on the lips, looked at me, then kissed me again with her tongue. Other than "show me yours" games when I was really little, this was the first sexual contact of my life. I stood there like a person in an alien movie. Knew what was happening. Could not stop it. Not long after (maybe it was a couple days later during that stay or another visit about that time), she came into the room at night again. I want to say I was masturbating again, but I don't remember. Maybe I think I was, and it was the other thing. She sat on the edge of my bed, gently pulled the covers back and sucked me. By this point, I was around 12, I didn't wear pj's anymore. My memory of it is still coming back but I think she just got up and left at some point. I don't know if I came or not.
Somehow I seemed to instinctually knew to keep my mouth shut. My dad might have killed her, literally. He was volatile. My Mom would either have denied it, thought I was dreaming, or perhaps would have had a talk with her sister, but I knew that whatever happened it would stress me out, destroy the family, etc. never said a word about it until I was speaking to a GF about ten years ago and she told me she was the survivor of much more intense familial abuse and white slavery until she was early teens.
I've recently had some revelations about my sexuality that have made me question a couple of other things that may or may not have occurred with another adult.
