No I’m not going to write about everyday, just hit the points that yell at me. I’m going to try and add a few positive things that I can try to refocus to when doing the therapy sessions. I know it’s important for me to get it out to deal with it, but I want to be able to see I’m doing something about it.
Life went on after my birthday. I had gotten involved with the church youth group and had 3 friends. My brother had found his way around the not sharing a room. No cell phones then , you were expected to be where you said you’d be . He knew when I would be at the barn alone. Over the next few months he would abuse me and then tell me how he was going to go to California and be famous. He was the only one showing me attention. I also got more responsible. My step family put on a big cow pasture golf tournament, 12 holes in pastures, made fresh over three months each year. If I took care of the greens and did the watering I could start playing golf at the county club. People pleaser Billy was all in!
End of June I got home from church camp. I was told at the church bus my brother had gotten drunk,stole my grandparents car and when found was having sex with a guy. He had been sent to a therapy camp to help him. I was terrified, two of my friends were standing there and heard it. For weeks they would say stuff “I told you he was a fag”, “your lucky he didn’t rape you”. Positive point the day after I got a puppy. About a week after I was asked to sit they wanted to talk. I just knew he had told and I was going to be loaded up and sent away. But no that wasn’t it . My father had signed his rights away and my little brother was being adopted by my stepfather. It made things easier. I wasn’t being sent away, I was being erased. The good thing, my father had been required to sign the papers for me to get my Cherokee roll number. That I was proud of but was told to keep it a secret.
September my grandmother died of a hart attack, leaving my grandfather with advancing dementia. I was everywhere the constant people pleaser.
Town would have street fairs for back to school and crafts or whatever. It was during one I found myself standing in front of the beauty salon I had been before and he ask if I wanted a haircut. I went in and as he cut my hair he was riding on me and asked about my brother. I Just said you can turn the lights off. He did and locked the door. After he gave mea 20. I knew his daughters, they were in my class. I went back another time I was supposed to be at the movies. But he scared me and got ruff. I didn’t go back. I’ve never shared that because I went there. Got paid.
I joined the choir at church and was told I could unlike my brother “because he was gay”. They couldn’t have that.
