Introduction, new member
Hi! I'm Asha
Before you start I want you to know that I've included some part of my life everyone might not be comfortable to read
I'n a 35 years old man and joined this community to find support as I'm transitioning out of hard time in my life and didn't really know who to turn to
I feel like I'm coming to a way more comfortable place than I used to but I'm still in search for major changes
I feel like starting but putting some context on who I am and how I ended up here would be the best place to start
I grew up in Belgium in a middle class family with an older brother and sister
at first the family picture seemed perfect but behingthe curtains
I have a violent alcoholic dad and mon who's hiding in Catholicism
I the issue with me sufficed very early as I am very emphatic and can feel people
this lead to issues at school and the development of ADHD, which I only learned about when I passed 27 yeas of life
I feel like I had modesty happy childhood until my sensitivity started taking to much space, very early on I got bullied at school and regardless of all my efforts my parent didn't wanted me to change school as it was was the 3rd best catholic school in the country
it took me about a decade to take things in my hands, when I moved to my teenager years, I started rebelling until the point I got kicked out of school
this was the beginning of a subconscious strategy I had created to over power my parents, I started doing everyone that wasn't allowed to
to the point of doing and selling drugs
from 15 to 27 I've lived a never ending cycle of drama and pain,
at 15 I had my first sexual abuse I was conscious of, even though I was drunk and too dumb to think I was going to a private party with an older dude
when I did therapy, I recollected suppressed memories of my grandpa abusing me during my childhood
which brought light on some strange feeling I had
over the pas 8 years I've been doing all that is in my power to heal and change
I got clean form drug addictions, as I used to consume 5 different substances daily
I started meditaion, yoga eating healthy, lifting, hypnosis, therapy
in 2020 I thought I had cleared out most of it and could live a stable life, got certifed as therapist and started working
but in 2023 when my grandpa died, a week later as I had a regular session with my therapist the memories resufaced and I went into deep darkness again
loosing all I had created fro myself and grew a large amount of financial dept
it was very hard because since 2017 I was puttin all my efforts to build myself after ending my relationship with cocaine
after being kicked out 3 times in a row for being late on the rent I asked my parents to help which they did but looking back it was one of best and worst things that happend
going back felt like a failure and my dad kept hammering it in my mind, but it was victory because the fist time he thretened to hit me I wasn't scared, I could feel strong wishing my body I was working out and healthy, while in front of me I could see a 65 yo drunk man with no authority
ultimately after spending 2 years at my parents place I found the strength to leave and also was fed up to constantly be screamed at and told I was a failure
it wasn't easy because at one point a therapist gave me the courage to open up and speak up about what happened with my grandpa, but my mom had a hard time accepting this about her dad, which I can understand as they see me as a junkie and think I lie for pleasure, also he had died so it would be an easy target for these lies, anyway, this did make things easier, but this allowed me to speak up about a sexual infection
the difficult point is that there aren't much space in my family for emotional talk and less for anything related to sexuality, that being said every time I want to being up a vulnerable subject of being emotional my parents think there is a problem with me, they dont know how to react when I cry
which I understand it took me years of training to be able to hold space
but then it's a bit paradoxical because they all had put pressure on my to do therapy with my dad (because they all sufer from him) but on The other hand are trying to cover up everything
so 9 months ago I left to Spain, I found asylum in an ashram, which is great because I had a place where I could find peace but it's also hard because I live with monks and don't have the social and professional life I'd want to,
the good part is that sam in a place where I can meditate with a group of people, I have food and shelter in exchange of volunteering
the bad part is that I don't have much freedom, I'm feeling socially disconeted, there is only one devotee that I have god time with, but I which I could have more people around me, I just like miss having hugs
the worst part is that I have to share a dorm with a man that has all the negative traits of my dad and sometimes I wonder if not worse
in the begging I really felt triggered to sleep near a man that doesn't feel safe, but with the months passing I grew some strength and could make some remarks about his behaviours and constant lies
I feel lucky because I can somehow find solution to come out of this situation even if I feel pressured, I woudl dream of having some cash on the side to take some time off and breath out
I found a community of very happy and helping people who are supporting me in relaunching my business online
which feels like a spark of hope this darkness
but I feel like I'm still suffering a lot from the shame I have around my sexulity and for some reason I feel equally shameful about wanting money as if my desire of having good things in my life was a reason to be ashamed of myself
I felt like connecting with people who can understand me as I know from experience that together we can heal the deepest wounds
all I would want is to feel proud of being a man and help other men reconnect with themselves an thrive
Before you start I want you to know that I've included some part of my life everyone might not be comfortable to read
I'n a 35 years old man and joined this community to find support as I'm transitioning out of hard time in my life and didn't really know who to turn to
I feel like I'm coming to a way more comfortable place than I used to but I'm still in search for major changes
I feel like starting but putting some context on who I am and how I ended up here would be the best place to start
I grew up in Belgium in a middle class family with an older brother and sister
at first the family picture seemed perfect but behingthe curtains
I have a violent alcoholic dad and mon who's hiding in Catholicism
I the issue with me sufficed very early as I am very emphatic and can feel people
this lead to issues at school and the development of ADHD, which I only learned about when I passed 27 yeas of life
I feel like I had modesty happy childhood until my sensitivity started taking to much space, very early on I got bullied at school and regardless of all my efforts my parent didn't wanted me to change school as it was was the 3rd best catholic school in the country
it took me about a decade to take things in my hands, when I moved to my teenager years, I started rebelling until the point I got kicked out of school
this was the beginning of a subconscious strategy I had created to over power my parents, I started doing everyone that wasn't allowed to
to the point of doing and selling drugs
from 15 to 27 I've lived a never ending cycle of drama and pain,
at 15 I had my first sexual abuse I was conscious of, even though I was drunk and too dumb to think I was going to a private party with an older dude
when I did therapy, I recollected suppressed memories of my grandpa abusing me during my childhood
which brought light on some strange feeling I had
over the pas 8 years I've been doing all that is in my power to heal and change
I got clean form drug addictions, as I used to consume 5 different substances daily
I started meditaion, yoga eating healthy, lifting, hypnosis, therapy
in 2020 I thought I had cleared out most of it and could live a stable life, got certifed as therapist and started working
but in 2023 when my grandpa died, a week later as I had a regular session with my therapist the memories resufaced and I went into deep darkness again
loosing all I had created fro myself and grew a large amount of financial dept
it was very hard because since 2017 I was puttin all my efforts to build myself after ending my relationship with cocaine
after being kicked out 3 times in a row for being late on the rent I asked my parents to help which they did but looking back it was one of best and worst things that happend
going back felt like a failure and my dad kept hammering it in my mind, but it was victory because the fist time he thretened to hit me I wasn't scared, I could feel strong wishing my body I was working out and healthy, while in front of me I could see a 65 yo drunk man with no authority
ultimately after spending 2 years at my parents place I found the strength to leave and also was fed up to constantly be screamed at and told I was a failure
it wasn't easy because at one point a therapist gave me the courage to open up and speak up about what happened with my grandpa, but my mom had a hard time accepting this about her dad, which I can understand as they see me as a junkie and think I lie for pleasure, also he had died so it would be an easy target for these lies, anyway, this did make things easier, but this allowed me to speak up about a sexual infection
the difficult point is that there aren't much space in my family for emotional talk and less for anything related to sexuality, that being said every time I want to being up a vulnerable subject of being emotional my parents think there is a problem with me, they dont know how to react when I cry
which I understand it took me years of training to be able to hold space
but then it's a bit paradoxical because they all had put pressure on my to do therapy with my dad (because they all sufer from him) but on The other hand are trying to cover up everything
so 9 months ago I left to Spain, I found asylum in an ashram, which is great because I had a place where I could find peace but it's also hard because I live with monks and don't have the social and professional life I'd want to,
the good part is that sam in a place where I can meditate with a group of people, I have food and shelter in exchange of volunteering
the bad part is that I don't have much freedom, I'm feeling socially disconeted, there is only one devotee that I have god time with, but I which I could have more people around me, I just like miss having hugs
the worst part is that I have to share a dorm with a man that has all the negative traits of my dad and sometimes I wonder if not worse
in the begging I really felt triggered to sleep near a man that doesn't feel safe, but with the months passing I grew some strength and could make some remarks about his behaviours and constant lies
I feel lucky because I can somehow find solution to come out of this situation even if I feel pressured, I woudl dream of having some cash on the side to take some time off and breath out
I found a community of very happy and helping people who are supporting me in relaunching my business online
which feels like a spark of hope this darkness
but I feel like I'm still suffering a lot from the shame I have around my sexulity and for some reason I feel equally shameful about wanting money as if my desire of having good things in my life was a reason to be ashamed of myself
I felt like connecting with people who can understand me as I know from experience that together we can heal the deepest wounds
all I would want is to feel proud of being a man and help other men reconnect with themselves an thrive
