Inability to be touched by a Woman

[ManInRecovery]

TW: Detailed description of current physical feelings

I posted on another thread that my primary assaulter was my mother and that I have gone through years of therapy and have come a long way in my recovery journey. Another resource for me has been ASCA, which has steps and phases of healing that go from remembering to grieving to healing and I now understand that for me, I continue to go through all three again and again as I remember new details. I see this as a positive and with my support system, I am able to manage, sometimes very effectively and other times with tremendous struggle, as I go through each new layer. I have entered a particularly tough layer now as my mother, who apparently my inner child kept hope alive that there could be true accountability and reconciliation, is in the beginning stages of dementia and heart failure. It is clear that any hope is gone and I am now working through grieving that hope. Some guys in the other post have helped me with this process, but there is a new issue that I would appreciate hearing other folks' experience with.

I have started to have strange, deep discomforting feelings as I remember some of the assaults and I have gotten to a place where touch from a woman makes my hair stand up, makes me nauseous, and gives me chills and feelings of dread. According to my therapist and some literature (The Body Keeps the Score) I have an understanding that my body is apparently reliving the past and is going through its own PTSD process. I went through this mentally and emotionally and with EMDR and numerous other techniques, resources, and supports, I worked through it. Until about two weeks ago, there was no reliving the memories (no sweating, inner anxiety, etc.) when I remembered them, but now, I am in a constant sort of FFFF mode where I am on edge and I feel touching and deep impacts physically. This is new for me and I know it has to be tied to the end of life stuff with my mom. This is definitely causing strain with my wife and as much as she wants to understand, she is struggling to not take this personally. I just share that for context - my focus in on me and my recovery, not trying to please anyone else as the goal. In short, anyone go through this? If so, how did you deal with/handle/move past/heal from it? I appreciate you all.

 

[dark empathy]

there was no reliving the memories (no sweating, inner anxiety, etc.) when I remembered them, but now, I am in a constant sort of FFFF mode where I am on edge and I feel touching and deep impacts physically

This is sounding very familiar. Before I had my breakdown in 2007 I remembered everything, but remembered nothing. I asumed that because I remembered the assaults as a teenager and what was happening I was alright right?
I was nervous if physically close to a woman and uncomfortable about sex or explicit language, but I could at least function.

After my breakdown, everything intensified. I realized then that though I'd "remembered", the assaults in terms of pure events, I had not actually "remembered" them. It was like watching something with the sound down and a dim picture, the detail was there, but none of the feeling.

Once that happened, my genophobia became more intense. I couldn't ware short trousers in summer, could never go swimming, got paranoid if I touched a woman's arm or even brushed against one, would always stand at a distance from female friends, and would literally leave the room if anything explicit was discussed.

For me, it was meeting my lady that finally got around this as I've said before. I was finally with a woman who loved me who was entirely safe, and could learn to understand that just because I might be attracted to her, that didn't mean I was turning into an abuser myself.

It took a lot of gentle exercises, massage, a lot of loving, none sexual touch, massage, washing each other's hair, holding hands, and later leading into being able to make love safely, and indeed talk about it to get around this.

Not sure if any of this helps, since my experiences were manifestly different, but the effects do sound somewhat similar.

Luke.

 

[ManInRecovery]

This is sounding very familiar. Before I had my breakdown in 2007 I remembered everything, but remembered nothing. I asumed that because I remembered the assaults as a teenager and what was happening I was alright right?
I was nervous if physically close to a woman and uncomfortable about sex or explicit language, but I could at least function.

After my breakdown, everything intensified. I realized then that though I'd "remembered", the assaults in terms of pure events, I had not actually "remembered" them. It was like watching something with the sound down and a dim picture, the detail was there, but none of the feeling.

Once that happened, my genophobia became more intense. I couldn't ware short trousers in summer, could never go swimming, got paranoid if I touched a woman's arm or even brushed against one, would always stand at a distance from female friends, and would literally leave the room if anything explicit was discussed.

For me, it was meeting my lady that finally got around this as I've said before. I was finally with a woman who loved me who was entirely safe, and could learn to understand that just because I might be attracted to her, that didn't mean I was turning into an abuser myself.

It took a lot of gentle exercises, massage, a lot of loving, none sexual touch, massage, washing each other's hair, holding hands, and later leading into being able to make love safely, and indeed talk about it to get around this.

Not sure if any of this helps, since my experiences were manifestly different, but the effects do sound somewhat similar.

Luke.

I appreciate the post and your frankness. I have had a hard time explaining this, so I am now writing a letter to try and help her understand better. I tried to give her a hug about a week ago and I felt nothing, not the deep connection that I have for years, but also not the dread. She opened her arms to me when I got home on Friday after work and again, nothing. From her, we have been married for 25 years, I am feeling nothing (positive or negative), but from other women, I am ready to jump out of my skin. The thought of anything intimate makes me bristle, so I will take your advice about gentleness. I suspect I need to keep processing and working through this before I feel connection again, but hopefully it will come back, at least in part, soon. Thank you.

 

[pedropedro]

Very rarely am I ok with any touch from all but a few women. I also hate shaking hands with anyone. It seams insincere. If we're close - or even often men I don't know - I'd rather a hug. At least just either a fistbump or namaste. A big part of that is cultural though.

 

[Khabeni]

I get very nervous when anyone touches me, men or women, even though my abuser was female. I especially can't stand it when anyone touches my neck, especially a woman. As a child being abused, I was choked by her when I didn't comply with sexual advances. So I can understand not wanting to be touched.

 

[LoneWolfX]

-

 

[Strangeways]

@LoneWolfX - If you think you belong here, then you belong here, and I'm sorry for what happened to you. Abuse in any context - sexual, physical, or emotional - is not ok in any way and can make relationships difficult or impossible even years later. It wasn't your fault.

 

[LoneWolfX]

-

 

[TryingtoHeal]

TW: Detailed description of current physical feelings

I posted on another thread that my primary assaulter was my mother and that I have gone through years of therapy and have come a long way in my recovery journey. Another resource for me has been ASCA, which has steps and phases of healing that go from remembering to grieving to healing and I now understand that for me, I continue to go through all three again and again as I remember new details. I see this as a positive and with my support system, I am able to manage, sometimes very effectively and other times with tremendous struggle, as I go through each new layer. I have entered a particularly tough layer now as my mother, who apparently my inner child kept hope alive that there could be true accountability and reconciliation, is in the beginning stages of dementia and heart failure. It is clear that any hope is gone and I am now working through grieving that hope. Some guys in the other post have helped me with this process, but there is a new issue that I would appreciate hearing other folks' experience with.

I have started to have strange, deep discomforting feelings as I remember some of the assaults and I have gotten to a place where touch from a woman makes my hair stand up, makes me nauseous, and gives me chills and feelings of dread. According to my therapist and some literature (The Body Keeps the Score) I have an understanding that my body is apparently reliving the past and is going through its own PTSD process. I went through this mentally and emotionally and with EMDR and numerous other techniques, resources, and supports, I worked through it. Until about two weeks ago, there was no reliving the memories (no sweating, inner anxiety, etc.) when I remembered them, but now, I am in a constant sort of FFFF mode where I am on edge and I feel touching and deep impacts physically. This is new for me and I know it has to be tied to the end of life stuff with my mom. This is definitely causing strain with my wife and as much as she wants to understand, she is struggling to not take this personally. I just share that for context - my focus in on me and my recovery, not trying to please anyone else as the goal. In short, anyone go through this? If so, how did you deal with/handle/move past/heal from it? I appreciate you all.

You are a lot farther in your healing. I do sometimes get very jumpy by any touch. And I have gone through not wanting to be touched by a woman at all. It goes back and forth for me. .

 

[WillJF]

I have entered a particularly tough layer now as my mother, who apparently my inner child kept hope alive that there could be true accountability and reconciliation, is in the beginning stages of dementia and heart failure.

Some women are master deniers and think they never do wrong. It's completely gross. Even if she were in better health, I doubt she would've admitted to what she's done. I've read many accounts here of other male victims whose mothers completely deny any wrongdoing. Even females in my own family act in the same way. It's one of the most bizarre and disgusting things to witness.

So, don't feel too bad that she did not take accountability. Like the many other female predators I've read about, she probably never would've taken accountability but rather would've hurt you more by denying her crimes. In fact, once she is dead, you will be free from ever being preyed on by that abominable and vile monster who marred your entire life.