Covert incest mother son trigger

[JohnS12345]

I just recently came out of my 20 year denial of the fact that my mom sexually abused me by watching me undress, peeing especially with erections while standing 1-2 foot away, commenting on my erect penis pushing through my boxers in the mornings in my bed while she popped my toes and rubbed my legs and patted my butt. I was groomed into believing that having one bathroom meant I never shut the door.

My mom stayed in the bathroom the whole time I was in there. She left tons of g strings, sexy bras and Victoria secret magazines everywhere. I don’t remember being turned on by her but I do know that I had erections and touched myself with her near (like while I waited for the shower to warm up) and I never knew that it was strange. I associate those erections with being bored and playing with myself. I have to wonder now what she thought was happening?

I do remember intense extreme anxiety and a crazy compulsive urge to masturbate when i got behind a shower curtain. She wiped my butt until I was 7 or 8 and brags about it to my wife saying I was spoiled. At the time she would tell me how disgusting I was and how I was too big for this. She never showed me how to wipe though. She would pee with me right beside her. She told me about how her panties were riding up her “coochie”, “gench”, “snatch” and “twat”. I don’t know how but I thought it was normal. I don’t believe there was ever any sexual attraction to her.

She never told me not to touch myself so I now realize I regularly masturbated in front of her (though not to ejaculate)… I would just play with my penis and get an erection with her talking to me and think nothing of it even at the age of 16-17.

Every morning I would have to try to pee with morning wood. I’d try and try and then eventually just sit down. She was standing a foot or so away and would baby talk me about how “he can’t pee pee”. She refused to allow me to pee in the shower.

I didn’t shut the bathroom door when I showered or peed because I felt it would be disloyal and it would mean I didn’t trust her. Looking back, I realize this was groomed into me, though I’m unsure exactly how. I just know I didn’t shut the door and neither did my twin brother. For one, I think she must have bathed me until I was 7 or 8. I can’t recall anything about her touching me or washing my penis. She did stand there and show me how to shave my pubic hair.

She told me about the Red Hot Chili Peppers putting tube socks on their penises and I did it one day when I was 14 or 15. She giggled. I also remember hanging a towel on my erection and flexing it. She laughed. I felt cute and innocent.

Around puberty, I started to try to shut the door when I pooped or masturbated but she would yell at me and tell me that she needed to get in there.

One day my mom came in and watched me pee and shut the door on my girlfriend after giving my girlfriend a snotty look. My girlfriend asked me about this and I told her it wasn’t a big deal and said my mom just needed to tell me something. I rationalized that we only had one bathroom and it wasn’t like that. After a few more questions about my nakedness and bathroom habits with my mom, my girlfriend told me that I needed to request privacy and if I couldn’t that she was breaking it off with me.

I clearly loved my girlfriend. I was terrified and I knew I “couldn’t inconvenience my mom” by making her leave the bathroom. We agreed that I would ask her to turn around when I got out of the shower and I committed to peeing in the shower. I did and my mom lost her mind. My mom told me I was accusing her of being weird and told my family I was being weird in the bathroom. My brother got mad at me and confronted me and my girlfriend to ask why I was being weird to mommy in the bathroom.

Following this, my girlfriend asked me to also ask her to turn around before I got in while I was getting undressed.

I refused for a few days. Again, she insisted that she wouldn’t have an intimate relationship with me if I was being naked in front of my mom. She wasn’t mean, just clear.

I was effectively emotionally exiled from my family after that and was drowning in shame. My mom began bitterly hating my girlfriend who is now my wife of 16 years.

It hurts to realize my mom destroyed me for asking for privacy while I was naked….it grieves me that I had to sneak to masturbate while my mom was in the bathroom on the other side of a shower curtain drying her hair. I remember once when she almost caught me on the toilet when she busted through the door. I had to shove myself into the toilet and look down in shame while I ejaculated silently as she walked by. I didn’t understand that I was being sexually abused. I believed that I was being cared for by the best mother.

I secretly blamed my girlfriend and continued to act out for the next 18 years or our relationship. I’ve victimized her constantly through porn, lying, a sort of emotional affair with my twin brother, overworking, etc…. All to find out that she loved me and was trying to help. It’s a lot to bear but I have begun healing.

My wife has been super supportive and has stood by me. The shame is bad but I am learning and trying to remember that it wasn’t my fault.

 

[Georgie]

Your mother wasn't grooming you; she was blatantly sexually abusing you. And why would she show you how to shave your pubic hair?

 

[JohnS12345]

Good point Georgie. What do you think I need to do to heal? My last therapist said she probably just saw me as her baby.

 

[Silly]

This sounds horrible and I'm sorry for what was done to you. Your twin brother wasn't treated this way too? It's difficult to understand family dynamics I suppose.

 

[JohnS12345]

Yes, he to a certain degree he was. He may have been more reserved than I was around her. I now believe that she favored me in that realm. She always told my wife that I looked like her. She called me a hottie. She told my wife how she used to give us suppositories and we had little greasy spots on our shorts. I tried to confront her about this but she told me that we were just "coping" with what we had since we had one bathroom. Just last year, my wife and I were talking to my mom about going hunting and my mom asked me where I peed on the hunting trip. Both my wife and I were blown away. My wife has been kind to her through our marriage but has quietly taken notes about my mothers odd behaviors and flirtacious vibe toward me. She told my wife that she knew that she was going to name my penis (winky) before she was out of high school (she didn't even have a boyfriend at that time). Unfortunately, she had two boys.

 

[smc1972]

My wife has been super supportive and has stood by me. The shame is bad but I am learning and trying to remember that it wasn’t my fault.

It is good that you have a supportive wife and you are correct, it was not your fault. That is hard to come to terms with and yeah you have to remind yourself that just as I have to.

I do not get it on how a parent can harm there child in such a manner. Even if there was no actual touch or sex the other stuff is just a harmful. As someone who experienced both forms from my mother it is something that I cannot forgive. I hate that in a way because that stuff formed this mental and emotional bond to her that I have had to break and it is not easy.

Just again know you were the child she was the adult. She was suppose to protect and raise you supportively not harm you mentally. Do not think you are alone in what you experienced or how it has made you feel.

 

[.aseity]

What do you think I need to do to heal? My last therapist said she probably just saw me as her baby.

uphold your boundaries.

one of the bigger issues is your mother never built boundaries for your privacy, maturity or sexuality. she's invaded these areas of your life- privacy, maturity and sexuality.

compensating for your mother will not do you many favors. if "she probably just sees you as her baby" .. well that is her issue! not yours

side with your spouse, side with your real support, and be on your own side.

common practice for mothers like yours is to make you out to be the bad person when sticking up for yourself.

you are entitled to privacy. she can be offended all she wants. you are a grown man, not her baby.

you do not have to just accept her behavior as ok. we don't get to choose our parents, but you do get to decide if they're still involved in your life. you're allowed to decide what is ok for you and what is unacceptable.

it is also her choice to respect your boundaries!

it is not your fault if she will not respect your boundaries.

you are not pushing her away by advocating your needs, your rights as an individual.

to treat you like the bad guy is manipulative.

in my experience, it's a matter of control. because you make a stand to say "no mom you're not allowed to invade my privacy, I'm not letting you in the bathroom with me, I'm not comfortable with you talking about my penis, i don't want to talk to you about private things like sex or even peeing. you need to stop because i dont like this" .... and she treats you as if you have completely cut her off. ..

remember, this is her problem. you aren't responsible for how she feels or what she thinks. you are responsible for your own feelings.

if she wants to use being upset or get angry, if she wants to make you look like bad guy and turn people against you. so you feel wrong and give up on having boundaries. this is manipulative. it is a battle of control.

protect your boundaries. if she accepts this and stay part of your life, great! if she doesn't accept your terms, that's her fault not your fault.

just imagine if you have a son.. you do not want her treating your son the same way she treated you, or telling your son about you the way she talks to your wife.

she must understand for herself, it is her behavior that is the issue. it is her behavior that is the problem. it is her behavior that is unacceptable.

you aren't the bad guy.

 

[Georgie]

Good point Georgie. What do you think I need to do to heal? My last therapist said she probably just saw me as her baby.

I think you need to cut her out of your life and tell her why. Your supportive wife can help with the "report card." Your mother sounds like both a very sick individual and dangerous to be around young boys.

 

[flyers2025]

I just recently came out of my 20 year denial of the fact that my mom sexually abused me by watching me undress, peeing especially with erections while standing 1-2 foot away, commenting on my erect penis pushing through my boxers in the mornings in my bed while she popped my toes and rubbed my legs and patted my butt. I was groomed into believing that having one bathroom meant I never shut the door.

My mom stayed in the bathroom the whole time I was in there. She left tons of g strings, sexy bras and Victoria secret magazines everywhere. I don’t remember being turned on by her but I do know that I had erections and touched myself with her near (like while I waited for the shower to warm up) and I never knew that it was strange. I associate those erections with being bored and playing with myself. I have to wonder now what she thought was happening?

I do remember intense extreme anxiety and a crazy compulsive urge to masturbate when i got behind a shower curtain. She wiped my butt until I was 7 or 8 and brags about it to my wife saying I was spoiled. At the time she would tell me how disgusting I was and how I was too big for this. She never showed me how to wipe though. She would pee with me right beside her. She told me about how her panties were riding up her “coochie”, “gench”, “snatch” and “twat”. I don’t know how but I thought it was normal. I don’t believe there was ever any sexual attraction to her.

She never told me not to touch myself so I now realize I regularly masturbated in front of her (though not to ejaculate)… I would just play with my penis and get an erection with her talking to me and think nothing of it even at the age of 16-17.

Every morning I would have to try to pee with morning wood. I’d try and try and then eventually just sit down. She was standing a foot or so away and would baby talk me about how “he can’t pee pee”. She refused to allow me to pee in the shower.

I didn’t shut the bathroom door when I showered or peed because I felt it would be disloyal and it would mean I didn’t trust her. Looking back, I realize this was groomed into me, though I’m unsure exactly how. I just know I didn’t shut the door and neither did my twin brother. For one, I think she must have bathed me until I was 7 or 8. I can’t recall anything about her touching me or washing my penis. She did stand there and show me how to shave my pubic hair.

She told me about the Red Hot Chili Peppers putting tube socks on their penises and I did it one day when I was 14 or 15. She giggled. I also remember hanging a towel on my erection and flexing it. She laughed. I felt cute and innocent.

Around puberty, I started to try to shut the door when I pooped or masturbated but she would yell at me and tell me that she needed to get in there.

One day my mom came in and watched me pee and shut the door on my girlfriend after giving my girlfriend a snotty look. My girlfriend asked me about this and I told her it wasn’t a big deal and said my mom just needed to tell me something. I rationalized that we only had one bathroom and it wasn’t like that. After a few more questions about my nakedness and bathroom habits with my mom, my girlfriend told me that I needed to request privacy and if I couldn’t that she was breaking it off with me.

I clearly loved my girlfriend. I was terrified and I knew I “couldn’t inconvenience my mom” by making her leave the bathroom. We agreed that I would ask her to turn around when I got out of the shower and I committed to peeing in the shower. I did and my mom lost her mind. My mom told me I was accusing her of being weird and told my family I was being weird in the bathroom. My brother got mad at me and confronted me and my girlfriend to ask why I was being weird to mommy in the bathroom.

Following this, my girlfriend asked me to also ask her to turn around before I got in while I was getting undressed.

I refused for a few days. Again, she insisted that she wouldn’t have an intimate relationship with me if I was being naked in front of my mom. She wasn’t mean, just clear.

I was effectively emotionally exiled from my family after that and was drowning in shame. My mom began bitterly hating my girlfriend who is now my wife of 16 years.

It hurts to realize my mom destroyed me for asking for privacy while I was naked….it grieves me that I had to sneak to masturbate while my mom was in the bathroom on the other side of a shower curtain drying her hair. I remember once when she almost caught me on the toilet when she busted through the door. I had to shove myself into the toilet and look down in shame while I ejaculated silently as she walked by. I didn’t understand that I was being sexually abused. I believed that I was being cared for by the best mother.

I secretly blamed my girlfriend and continued to act out for the next 18 years or our relationship. I’ve victimized her constantly through porn, lying, a sort of emotional affair with my twin brother, overworking, etc…. All to find out that she loved me and was trying to help. It’s a lot to bear but I have begun healing.

My wife has been super supportive and has stood by me. The shame is bad but I am learning and trying to remember that it wasn’t my fault.

 

[flyers2025]

Similar situation to mine. I had this interest in mature women when I was younger, I never really knew why, and it became more and more specific as i got older. I started to gravitate towards fantasies about mothers and sons in general, never thinking of my own. I made a habit out of seeking this genre out in porn and the whole thing was a source of secret shame for me. It was too embarassing to mention to my therapist, though it was probably what the focus of therapy should have been in hindsight. Instead I sort of touched on the idea one day by bringing up that i was ashamed to be eroused by incestual thoughts about my sister sometimes. We talked about the natural inclination to seek out and return to your origin, which is sometimes a memory that exists in your subconscious that was forgotten because you were young or you suppressed unknowingly because it was traumatic or too much for you to process at the time. But there it remains in your subconscious, waiting for you to physically mature enough to seek it out and satisfy this haunting curiousity you cant shake about something you never quite knew that youve always known all along. All at once in a moment of vulnerability i had a very vivid memory come rushing back to me and i specifically remembered things I had supressed. I was too young to know what i was even doing but had been talked into it for experimentation sake. What i remembered most was getting caught. Our mother walked into the room in the middle of this and freaked out and i specifically remember being scared when Dad got home and she told him and my sister then denied that was what had happened and everyone was so relieved and then she shot me a look like "oh my god!" And all at once i remembered that expression and my moms reaction and the whole day i had supressed, how it felt when it happened and the whole thing. They decided to believe us, but i think my mom always thought it was my idea or i was the problem and i remember her telling me to tell her whenever i got an erection from then on, which i literally did. She had this whole routine where she made me lay down on the bathroom counter, the memories become pretty vague from there but i remember first it being a damp washcloth on my privates then definitely have memories of a damp washcloth being over my eyes at times and her soothing me with her voice, and rubbing baby oil on me, ect. This was before the age i was even masterbating but thats basically what was going on before i even understood it. My whole life we would go through brief periods where we were very close followed by long chapters where it just felt like she resented me so much and just didnt want to be anywhere near me. I never understood why until many many years later when i remembered this grooming period and realized as a conscious adult who completely knows better this must have been a total source of shame for her, and rightfully so. Her inclination to ignore me seemed to stem from that memory looking its like she was always talking to me like she knew a secret i didnt but was so fake and i could see right through it but i didnt know what it was about or why it was because i hadnt remembered any of it from back then. It bothered me and in the very back of my mind slightly intrigued me and therefor eroused me. Id seek out women who had no interest in me as a result of this and just became a people pleaser in general, hated to be alone or feel unnaccepted. When i returned home in my mid twenties there was heavy flirtation and things like changing in front of me and other innappropriate things going on and i was old enough that all subconscious thoughts transferred into consciousness. I felt so dirty and guilty for being drawn to it but it was like this sort of collision of just a primal attraction to female nudity and also a desperate quest to seek my mothers attention and validation that I felt a huge void of from years of her coldness and inability to provide a normal healthy level of a mothers love. It definitely had a hugely negative effect on me and my sex life and relationships in ways i didnt realise it was. These things take time to really remember and process and make sense of but once you can start to look at it retrospeftively from many angles you can only ever conclude that like any other victim of SA you were completely innocent and the shame or guilt and quirks that you carry and find fault with yourself for are all someone elses load transfer of guilt they dumped onto your shoulders years ago instead of facing the burden of what they did to you. In order to heal from it you need to first accept that this wasnt just her looking at you like you were her baby, or anything innocent that dismisses her the appropriate level of responsibility. It was a sexual game, complete with competitive jealousy against your sexual partners, talking about sex and nudity being normal. You need to accept there may have been elements you dont remember, or parts that you dont know about. Allow yourself to feel angry, and sad for your younger self who just didnt know better and noone felt sorry for or cared enough about you to protect you, the way you now as an adult would protect a child. Then you gotta find a way to forgive and accept they must just have not possibly been able to understand how damaging it ended up being to you and forgive them for their ignorance. You are grown now, youre in complete control of your bounderies and what youre comfortable with. If you have certain quirks or ticks gravitate towards things sexually or find yourself gping down the same roads with different people over and over in your relationships, thats because you had a different love source and role model you grew up with that tainted your natural normal levels of trust and integrity and control and it has effected you in more ways than you know. So accept that, and try to plan for yourself to be too much or not enough in some areas to most people. Try to be extra patient with partners because you will require patience and understanding on levels you cant even comprehend about yourself. And do your best to put it in the past and leave it there. Once youve concluded something fucked up happened theres no real value in reliving it over and over through overanalization.

 

[kmac]

My mother mastrubated me, not on a regular basis but she would do it when I got mouthy, sarcastic or argumentative with her. She said boys needed this to keep their attitude in check. (I think she got that from her sister who was my main abuser) It wouldn't be a simple un-zio or lower my pants it was completely, exposed , naked with my knees pulled up by my armpits so everything was in her view or access. She usually did it but on occasion had me do it. Oddly enough it chilled me out and made me have less of an attitude.

 

[Jack1]

I recently remembered when I was about five my mother would have me lay under a sun lamp in the winter. If I was too impatient to lay there for whatever amount of time it took, my mother would play with my butthole, fingering it gently if I was on my stomach. If I was on my back she would play with my penis head to keep my mind occupied. When I was about twelve I saw her fingering my four year old sister's butthole while she was under the sun lamp. When I asked he why she did that she became enraged and said I should mind my own business. My mother always had a bad anger problem.

 

[KevinGKG]

She said boys needed this to keep their attitude in check.

Ah- yes the boys/men must come for mental health reasons. My mother believed it. She still does I bet. She had a number of quack ideas about health and sexuality. She was easily manipulated by some of her boyfriends and past experiences. I suspect that is where such ideas came from for her.

 

[KevinGKG]

My whole life we would go through brief periods where we were very close followed by long chapters where it just felt like she resented me so much and just didnt want to be anywhere near me. I never understood why until many many years later when i remembered this grooming period and realized as a conscious adult who completely knows better this must have been a total source of shame for her, and rightfully so.

My mother's mood went back and forth like this. I never connected it with the idea of a sense of shame she might feel, but that makes sense. I assumed she did not have that sense of shame or compass..but perhaps there was something to it.

She got really angry with me for stealing/borrowing some of her sex toys. I knew where they were - she didn't hide them and she and her boyfriends used them often. I took one and was using it. She caught me and chased me back to her room with it- she tried to sodomize me with it- nearly succeeded. I was alarmed at the time and ran back to my bedroom. She didn't apologize or really explain it that I can recall. But I continued to borrow her toys. I hoped she would do it again- that it excited me all the time. Then of course I'd feel shame and guilt about it.

 

[Jay_Talk2Me]

Thank you for having the courage to share this. I feel less alone knowing I wasn't the only one that had to go through this. I went through the same with my narcissistic mother but its very hard for me to talk about it because of the guilt and fear of judgment.