If You Have Thoughts, I Would Be Interested To Hear

[JC1]

I mentioned this in another post, but one of the issues that I am currently trying to work through in therapy related to my wanting to keep returning to the story of my abuse. I am not talking about those times that I label as 'involuntary', where parts of our abuse intrude, or times when memories of our abuse just seem to be playing in the background. I am talking about my tendency to want/seek to go there, which has been very common. So, in therapy we have been talking about possible reasons for my wanting to do this or needs that I am looking to satisfy in some way.

Don't have answers, but I started making a list of possibilities. I have narrowed the list down, and so far these are the top three:

• I am looking to complete the story/ looking for things that as yet I have not recalled. Over time, this in fact has happened. More detail and incidents have in fact come out.
• I want to somehow edit the story of my abuse. Perhaps to make it seem less severe/traumatic than it .
• I may be looking for a way to let my brother (abuser) off the hook. Perhaps looking for excuses for what was done. I viewed him as the only person who loved me, and even saw the abuse as a way of staying connected to him.

As I said, I still don't have answers, but if you have thoughts about it, I'd be interested in hearing them.

 

[Jack1]

@JC1 I've experienced all three especially the third one. My brother wasn't my only abuser but for a long time. he was the only one I remembered. It went on for years and I subconsciously wanted it to be a consensual activity where we both benefited. Later I found it was far from it.

 

[JC1]

Thank you Jack. I’ve thought about other possibilities as well. And I’m thinking it could be all of the above-

 

[dcwofhs90]

I want to go back to my abuse all the time. Thoughts of the abuse are the absolute most common thing in my mind when I'm masturbating. As I'm sure you've read many times, I don't consider my experience as normal at all. Yes, I have some issues that I deal with to this day, but I loved it and I would go back and experience it all over again if I could. Having said that, despite loving what happened, I wish it wouldn't have happened at all...I wish he hadn't picked me. So many conflicting thoughts...

 

[LittleSteve]

I’m struggling with this as well, I love my big brother and yet he abuse me he raped me and now in the memories, I’m havinghe’s torturing me as well. Unfortunately, uncle Bill required all these things because he was training him to be like himself. And yet we laughed we played. I looked up to him. And yet he did all these things, and for the most part he had no choice his father being who he was so I’m struggling with how I can love somebody who did these things to me, and regardless of where he had any choice or not he still did it. It was him doing it. And the hard part for me is I still love him. I still have those feelings. I don’t have any answers for you, and I don’t have any for myself either.

 

[Silly]

No answers here either... sorry. I do know what you're saying about it seeming to run in the background. Sometimes I'm able to block the static out... sometimes not so much.

 

[AlexBoyd]

It can also be a way of taking control by remembering it as we choose.

 

[Freehouse]

• I want to somehow edit the story of my abuse. Perhaps to make it seem less severe/traumatic than it .
• I may be looking for a way to let my brother (abuser) off the hook. Perhaps looking for excuses for what was done. I viewed him as the only person who loved me, and even saw the abuse as a way of staying connected to him.

I would say these two are the biggest issues for me along with getting pleasure from the sexual memories that I enjoy while masturbating. My mind continues to go there no matter how hard I try to refocus my thoughts.

 

[broncosfann1979]

It has faded with time. However my reliving it comes from some strange feeling that I could have changed the outcome. I relive the second and most brutal attack and imagine that I could have done something after it to prevent the next four.

 

[JC1]

I want to go back to my abuse all the time. Thoughts of the abuse are the absolute most common thing in my mind when I'm masturbating. As I'm sure you've read many times, I don't consider my experience as normal at all. Yes, I have some issues that I deal with to this day, but I loved it and I would go back and experience it all over again if I could. Having said that, despite loving what happened, I wish it wouldn't have happened at all...I wish he hadn't picked me. So many conflicting thoughts...

I hear you. I wish he hadn't pick you either. And I have not ruled out that I may still be wanting him back in some way.

 

[JC1]

It has faded with time. However my reliving it comes from some strange feeling that I could have changed the outcome. I relive the second and most brutal attack and imagine that I could have done something after it to prevent the next four.

I am wondering if that is what is behind what I do as well, or a part.

 

[JC1]

No answers here either... sorry. I do know what you're saying about it seeming to run in the background. Sometimes I'm able to block the static out... sometimes not so much.

I hear that. This is more like me making a very conscious decision to go there for some reason.

 

[JC1]

I would say these two are the biggest issues for me along with getting pleasure from the sexual memories that I enjoy while masturbating. My mind continues to go there no matter how hard I try to refocus my thoughts.

I think it's a real possibility that I want in some way to rewrite it and make him less of a villain. I was so devoted to him I think I still find what he and others did through him as something I had to do to hold onto him.

It can also be a way of taking control by remembering it as we choose.

Thank you for this thought! I had not considered it, but this also makes a lot of sense. Wanting for once to have control.

 

[Freehouse]

@JC1 I relate to that statement so much.

 

[dcwofhs90]

I hear you. I wish he hadn't pick you either. And I have not ruled out that I may still be wanting him back in some way.

I have some pretty vivid memories of me with him. I was on cloud nine when I was with him. I definitely want him back. For decades, no one has made me feel like he did. Some guys came close but still not as good.

Damn, more conflicting thoughts...

 

[Georgie]

It can also be a way of taking control by remembering it as we choose.

This is a good answer. Only with me it's altering it to run as I wanted it to.

 

[broncosfann1979]

I am wondering if that is what is behind what I do as well, or a part.

Almost as if I am preparing for the next time. I know that there will never be a "next time" but in the subconscious, I am getting ready. Since that time, to say that I have my radar on is an understatement. Without realizing it, I scan the crowd for potential threats.

 

[JC1]

I have some pretty vivid memories of me with him. I was on cloud nine when I was with him. I definitely want him back. For decades, no one has made me feel like he did. Some guys came close but still not as good.

Damn, more conflicting thoughts...

I also totally understand this aspect. A different side to the struggle.

 

[GaD3!]

, I scan the crowd for potential threats.

This is something most if not all of us do, without even thinking about it.

 

[LittleSteve]

Hypervigilance, it’s very common in CSA, PTSD and also complex PTSD. I’ve had it my whole life, it sucks. For me, I also evaluate men as a sexual threat without even thinking about it. It’s just the way I am from what happened to me.