I feel like being raped has led to an identity crisis at 50
Hi…I posted my story on here about two years ago. Since then I have opened up about my abuse to family and friends..,,most of them at least. It has been very liberating to open up about it.
I will give a brief run through of my story in case you haven’t read the one I posted.
When I was eleven I was brutally raped twice by a much older teenage boy from our church. He was 18. He came to our house to use the pool one evening during the summer of 1985. He was supposed to just swim and then go back home but after swimming he came upstairs to my room when I was changing , and he locked the door behind him.
He pinned me down, ripped off my underwear, and started trying to kiss me. I pushed him away and tried to fight him off of me. I screamed for him to stop. The more I fought it the more force he used. He slapped me across my face, and told me to shut the fuck up. He tied my hands to the bed posts and gagged my mouth w a sock.
I didn’t know anything about sex. I didn’t understand what was happening but I knew that it was horribly wrong just bc of how it made me feel. He went down on me and it felt like he was consuming me….he boasted about being able to fit my penis and testicles In his mouth at the same time. I stared at the blank ceiling, tears flooding my eyes, and every now and then I caught a glimpse of the top of his greasy head moving up and down over my body. This went on for a long time. I did have an orgasm for the first time during this and looking back, me having this feeling of pleasure during this traumatic act made me feel much more guilt and shame afterwards….shame that still exists today. I felt like bc I had an orgasm that it became less of a rape and more like something I was part of….but I wasn’t.
After I had an orgasm, he untied me and jerked me up. He stood over me and forced himself in my mouth until he came.
He threatened me. Told me that he knew I liked it bc of WHAT I DID, and said if I told anyone that I would be in a lot of trouble. He also said that he could hurt my mother.
A few weeks later it happened again. He came to our house when my parents weren’t home. It was me and an older girl around 19 who lived down the dirt road from us. We were swimming. He got in the pool and started teasing her trying to get her top off. She was just trying to stay away from him and she told him no several times. Eventually, he got her pushed up against the wall of the pool and he got her top off and pulled her bottoms to the side and had sex w her from behind in front of me. I was in shock. I went to my room. I didn’t know what to do. He came up after me, threw me down on the floor. He sat on top of me and roughly pushed his penis in my mouth over and over: I was screaming, crying, hitting him, pulling his hair…..nothing phased him. He yanked my shorts down and went down on me. This time I orgasmed almost instantly and it was like he was gloating….like I was his conquest, and I remember feeling crushed bc I knew how guilty I felt the other time and now this had happened again , and it made the shame I felt 100x worse. I told him I hated him and never wanted to see him again.
So, I never told anyone. Not until I got married. The next few years were miserable as couldn’t get it out of my head. I felt sad all of the time and I had very paranoid thoughts that someone was going to find out and I would have humiliated my family. I had no idea what had happened. I worried I could be pregnant….that is how naive I was. I was devastated wondering if I wouldn’t get into heaven bc of this. More or less, what happened really screwed me up. Nothing was ever the same. Relationships became strained. I became distant and separated from family and friends. When I was 14, I was putting myself in situations that I could easily have been raped again. I would shower in a communal public shower at the gym in front of much older men….and deep down I wanted them to see me, and I wanted them to be turned on, but at the same time , I didn’t show that I wanted anything more….it was more about me getting off knowing they wanted it. Maybe they didn’t . Doesn’t matter, point is….i was putting myself there on purpose bc I felt like I wanted to be raped again. Why would I want that when it was so traumatic to me?
By the time I was 15, I was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I thought about suicide all the time . I would cut my face and arms, and literally beat myself in the face w my fist. I hated myself. Pain felt good.
I’m gonna fast forward to age 30, married for five years. I had managed to create a somewhat normal life for myself. After five years my wife confessed to having three affairs early on in our marriage. I had just had a major surgery on my lungs and I think she just wanted a clean slate, which was good , but it was right after I nearly died, so I think I was just very overwhelmed. I knew I wouldn’t leave her but I was hurt. I’m sure many of you know very well how this feels. Yes, I was pissed off and disgusted by the thought of my wife w another man, but truth be told I was also sucked in by this….turned on by the thought of her w other men….couldnt help it . It was twisted but that’s how it is….it made me want her even more. And I’m an artist who uses this kind of stuff to feed off of when I’m working. I channel my emotions onto the canvas and it works for me…so I have often made light of hard things I’ve been through just bc I use them to my advantage to create better art. It’s hard to explain.
Anyway, point is….my process for dealing with this wasn’t a healthy one. But here’s where things w me took a strange turn. This didn’t happen over night but something I started doing , and at the time i thought nothing of it, but I started wearing women’s panties ….like sexy ones, thongs. I also started experimenting with sex toys that are traditionally thought to be for women. I had about ten dildos of all shapes and sizes . I often had to go out of town for art shows and when I did, it was like this completely different person came out. I would shave my legs, paint my toenails, wear these sexy panties, and it actually felt good. These things made me happy….it wasn’t just about sex….it was more like me being me. But this ‘me’ was a me that I didn’t want anyone to know about. Since I had been raped, I had never really thought of having sex w other guys, just girls. But here I was 30 years old, wearing panties, shaving my legs, painting toes….and I became sorta obsessed with dicks….obsessed with thinking about them, and actually lusting for it. This consumed my mind often, especially during times of high stress. I felt like I just wanted to be taken….overpowered by a man bigger than me….and all I thought about was wanting to be fucked ….but I really have no attraction to men. It’s just about me being in a situation similar to that room ….being back in that vulnerable, forbidden state . Why ? I could never imagine myself in a relationship w a man….its not that I wanted to be dating men. I just started feeling what felt like an irresistible urge to be fucked by one. And between then and now, this has evolved into greater things. For a long time it was my dirty secret. I never pursued really having sex w anyone other than my wife, at least not until recently. This seemed more like a weird fetish I had that stemmed from what I went through as a child . I turned 50 recently and I feel like this whole thing I’ve got going on has escalated in the past few years. I feel like I’ve been getting closer and closer to actually having sex w a man. Sometimes the desire is so strong that I will find myself crying alone bc I just feel an emptiness inside. My wife and I have great sex , and I am happy in that area. I don’t ever think about other women….just men. If I could choose one over the other right now, to have sex w a man or a woman….i think I would choose a man, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t hate myself afterwards and feel disgusting.
Something that has encouraged this fantasy is actually my own body. I am a very petite , very defined guy, good looking, and right now I weigh 120 pounds….my body is much more like a female than a male….period. I think this has opened the window to this fantasy making more sense.
I know this is long and I’m sorry. I just feel it is important to know these things to be able to give me advice .
A few weeks ago we went to the beach and on the last day my son and I went into Walmart. And I did something very stupid. I see this spandex fish net throw over dress for after the pool, and when I saw it, I felt like I had to see myself in this dress. It wasn’t debatable. But I couldn’t buy it bc I didn’t want my son to question me, so I took off the tags and stuffed it in my pocket. On the way out I was nabbed and they took me and my son into a room where I was told that I would be arrested if I ever did it again. This was a low point for me. My son is the most important person in the world to me, and here I am in trouble for stealing a sexy dress, bc I want to see myself in it. This made me realize how tight of a grip this has on me. When we got home I told my wife or tried to tell my wife about some of the things I was experiencing. I tried to tell her but it just confused her . It didn’t come out right. She just took it as I was having feelings and attraction to men, but it’s not that . It’s far more complex than that.
I honestly feel like I am starting to somehow identify w a female and I am so confused. When I think of having sex w a man, I don’t think of it as gay bc When I think of things, I see myself as female more than I do male. When I fantasize about having sex w men, it’s from the perspective of me being a girl.
I have never been unfaithful….ive talked to some men on Grindr but that is about it. I wanted to see how it made me feel to talk to another man in that way….does it make me feel stange or more turned on? I thought it might help me figure things out.
My wife became suspicious of me after I told her about things and she decided to look at my phone which had about 5,000 pictures of myself, in every color of panties ever made, doing things to myself that I would never imagine being able to share w someone . I think there were even pictures of me fucking a foot long piece of sausage, like a giant hot dog. So it was a huge blow up, and my attempt at explaining it wasn’t good. I mean, how do you explain something like that?
Much to my surprise , it seems like this has actually brought us closer together. I think that in some ways it maybe made my wife feel that it is possible that I’m not just sitting on go for her my whole life…that I actually have interests in my life that aren’t her. I have always been faithful and this made me look so guilty but I think she is actually coming around on it.
But what now? This isn’t going away. I love my wife and family more than anything. But what I’m up against is this and this is important….if this was just about a sexual fantasy, it would be simple, but it’s more than that. This is a very deep rooted issue within me….so much so that I have purposely lost 15 pounds in the past several months bc I want to keep my body looking good to attract other men. That was something I wrote down in my notes on my phone that she found . Me talking about this. So I guess I am looking for any insight I can get on why this side of myself is getting harder to manage instead of easier. Why is my urge to have sex w men becoming harder to resist? What does this mean about me? What does this make me? I am very confused and just feel like I don’t even know how to explain this to anyone .
I will give a brief run through of my story in case you haven’t read the one I posted.
When I was eleven I was brutally raped twice by a much older teenage boy from our church. He was 18. He came to our house to use the pool one evening during the summer of 1985. He was supposed to just swim and then go back home but after swimming he came upstairs to my room when I was changing , and he locked the door behind him.
He pinned me down, ripped off my underwear, and started trying to kiss me. I pushed him away and tried to fight him off of me. I screamed for him to stop. The more I fought it the more force he used. He slapped me across my face, and told me to shut the fuck up. He tied my hands to the bed posts and gagged my mouth w a sock.
I didn’t know anything about sex. I didn’t understand what was happening but I knew that it was horribly wrong just bc of how it made me feel. He went down on me and it felt like he was consuming me….he boasted about being able to fit my penis and testicles In his mouth at the same time. I stared at the blank ceiling, tears flooding my eyes, and every now and then I caught a glimpse of the top of his greasy head moving up and down over my body. This went on for a long time. I did have an orgasm for the first time during this and looking back, me having this feeling of pleasure during this traumatic act made me feel much more guilt and shame afterwards….shame that still exists today. I felt like bc I had an orgasm that it became less of a rape and more like something I was part of….but I wasn’t.
After I had an orgasm, he untied me and jerked me up. He stood over me and forced himself in my mouth until he came.
He threatened me. Told me that he knew I liked it bc of WHAT I DID, and said if I told anyone that I would be in a lot of trouble. He also said that he could hurt my mother.
A few weeks later it happened again. He came to our house when my parents weren’t home. It was me and an older girl around 19 who lived down the dirt road from us. We were swimming. He got in the pool and started teasing her trying to get her top off. She was just trying to stay away from him and she told him no several times. Eventually, he got her pushed up against the wall of the pool and he got her top off and pulled her bottoms to the side and had sex w her from behind in front of me. I was in shock. I went to my room. I didn’t know what to do. He came up after me, threw me down on the floor. He sat on top of me and roughly pushed his penis in my mouth over and over: I was screaming, crying, hitting him, pulling his hair…..nothing phased him. He yanked my shorts down and went down on me. This time I orgasmed almost instantly and it was like he was gloating….like I was his conquest, and I remember feeling crushed bc I knew how guilty I felt the other time and now this had happened again , and it made the shame I felt 100x worse. I told him I hated him and never wanted to see him again.
So, I never told anyone. Not until I got married. The next few years were miserable as couldn’t get it out of my head. I felt sad all of the time and I had very paranoid thoughts that someone was going to find out and I would have humiliated my family. I had no idea what had happened. I worried I could be pregnant….that is how naive I was. I was devastated wondering if I wouldn’t get into heaven bc of this. More or less, what happened really screwed me up. Nothing was ever the same. Relationships became strained. I became distant and separated from family and friends. When I was 14, I was putting myself in situations that I could easily have been raped again. I would shower in a communal public shower at the gym in front of much older men….and deep down I wanted them to see me, and I wanted them to be turned on, but at the same time , I didn’t show that I wanted anything more….it was more about me getting off knowing they wanted it. Maybe they didn’t . Doesn’t matter, point is….i was putting myself there on purpose bc I felt like I wanted to be raped again. Why would I want that when it was so traumatic to me?
By the time I was 15, I was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I thought about suicide all the time . I would cut my face and arms, and literally beat myself in the face w my fist. I hated myself. Pain felt good.
I’m gonna fast forward to age 30, married for five years. I had managed to create a somewhat normal life for myself. After five years my wife confessed to having three affairs early on in our marriage. I had just had a major surgery on my lungs and I think she just wanted a clean slate, which was good , but it was right after I nearly died, so I think I was just very overwhelmed. I knew I wouldn’t leave her but I was hurt. I’m sure many of you know very well how this feels. Yes, I was pissed off and disgusted by the thought of my wife w another man, but truth be told I was also sucked in by this….turned on by the thought of her w other men….couldnt help it . It was twisted but that’s how it is….it made me want her even more. And I’m an artist who uses this kind of stuff to feed off of when I’m working. I channel my emotions onto the canvas and it works for me…so I have often made light of hard things I’ve been through just bc I use them to my advantage to create better art. It’s hard to explain.
Anyway, point is….my process for dealing with this wasn’t a healthy one. But here’s where things w me took a strange turn. This didn’t happen over night but something I started doing , and at the time i thought nothing of it, but I started wearing women’s panties ….like sexy ones, thongs. I also started experimenting with sex toys that are traditionally thought to be for women. I had about ten dildos of all shapes and sizes . I often had to go out of town for art shows and when I did, it was like this completely different person came out. I would shave my legs, paint my toenails, wear these sexy panties, and it actually felt good. These things made me happy….it wasn’t just about sex….it was more like me being me. But this ‘me’ was a me that I didn’t want anyone to know about. Since I had been raped, I had never really thought of having sex w other guys, just girls. But here I was 30 years old, wearing panties, shaving my legs, painting toes….and I became sorta obsessed with dicks….obsessed with thinking about them, and actually lusting for it. This consumed my mind often, especially during times of high stress. I felt like I just wanted to be taken….overpowered by a man bigger than me….and all I thought about was wanting to be fucked ….but I really have no attraction to men. It’s just about me being in a situation similar to that room ….being back in that vulnerable, forbidden state . Why ? I could never imagine myself in a relationship w a man….its not that I wanted to be dating men. I just started feeling what felt like an irresistible urge to be fucked by one. And between then and now, this has evolved into greater things. For a long time it was my dirty secret. I never pursued really having sex w anyone other than my wife, at least not until recently. This seemed more like a weird fetish I had that stemmed from what I went through as a child . I turned 50 recently and I feel like this whole thing I’ve got going on has escalated in the past few years. I feel like I’ve been getting closer and closer to actually having sex w a man. Sometimes the desire is so strong that I will find myself crying alone bc I just feel an emptiness inside. My wife and I have great sex , and I am happy in that area. I don’t ever think about other women….just men. If I could choose one over the other right now, to have sex w a man or a woman….i think I would choose a man, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t hate myself afterwards and feel disgusting.
Something that has encouraged this fantasy is actually my own body. I am a very petite , very defined guy, good looking, and right now I weigh 120 pounds….my body is much more like a female than a male….period. I think this has opened the window to this fantasy making more sense.
I know this is long and I’m sorry. I just feel it is important to know these things to be able to give me advice .
A few weeks ago we went to the beach and on the last day my son and I went into Walmart. And I did something very stupid. I see this spandex fish net throw over dress for after the pool, and when I saw it, I felt like I had to see myself in this dress. It wasn’t debatable. But I couldn’t buy it bc I didn’t want my son to question me, so I took off the tags and stuffed it in my pocket. On the way out I was nabbed and they took me and my son into a room where I was told that I would be arrested if I ever did it again. This was a low point for me. My son is the most important person in the world to me, and here I am in trouble for stealing a sexy dress, bc I want to see myself in it. This made me realize how tight of a grip this has on me. When we got home I told my wife or tried to tell my wife about some of the things I was experiencing. I tried to tell her but it just confused her . It didn’t come out right. She just took it as I was having feelings and attraction to men, but it’s not that . It’s far more complex than that.
I honestly feel like I am starting to somehow identify w a female and I am so confused. When I think of having sex w a man, I don’t think of it as gay bc When I think of things, I see myself as female more than I do male. When I fantasize about having sex w men, it’s from the perspective of me being a girl.
I have never been unfaithful….ive talked to some men on Grindr but that is about it. I wanted to see how it made me feel to talk to another man in that way….does it make me feel stange or more turned on? I thought it might help me figure things out.
My wife became suspicious of me after I told her about things and she decided to look at my phone which had about 5,000 pictures of myself, in every color of panties ever made, doing things to myself that I would never imagine being able to share w someone . I think there were even pictures of me fucking a foot long piece of sausage, like a giant hot dog. So it was a huge blow up, and my attempt at explaining it wasn’t good. I mean, how do you explain something like that?
Much to my surprise , it seems like this has actually brought us closer together. I think that in some ways it maybe made my wife feel that it is possible that I’m not just sitting on go for her my whole life…that I actually have interests in my life that aren’t her. I have always been faithful and this made me look so guilty but I think she is actually coming around on it.
But what now? This isn’t going away. I love my wife and family more than anything. But what I’m up against is this and this is important….if this was just about a sexual fantasy, it would be simple, but it’s more than that. This is a very deep rooted issue within me….so much so that I have purposely lost 15 pounds in the past several months bc I want to keep my body looking good to attract other men. That was something I wrote down in my notes on my phone that she found . Me talking about this. So I guess I am looking for any insight I can get on why this side of myself is getting harder to manage instead of easier. Why is my urge to have sex w men becoming harder to resist? What does this mean about me? What does this make me? I am very confused and just feel like I don’t even know how to explain this to anyone .
