How do you connect....??

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How do you connect....??
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al

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Marc is out in the living room. He is sitting on the floor flicking the remote and playing the song She Talks To Angels over and over. I think he thinks I've finally lost it. He wants to know why I can sit in front of the computer for hours and hours, laugh, cry, think, read, talk, communicate. He asks me why I can't do this with him. I have no answer. I try to speak, there are no words. I lost three days this week and I can't tell him about it. There are too many words, there are no words. I want to connect, I don't know how....................
 
I went and sat with him for a while. He stared at me for a long time. I hate it when people look at me. I know they can see through the skin deep to the rotten core and all the shit that's inside. I try to tell people there worth something, worth the fight, but how can I say this when I know I'm not worth it. He says he can't take much more. I wanted to say I understood. Instead I fucked up and said "then don't". Hes my lover, my life, my best friend. I got up and walked away. I can't believe I did that. I fucked up big time this time and now I don't know how to fix it. Should I go try to talk to him or let him cool off first? I don't know what to do I wish I was dead at least then he could remember all the good times....
 
Al. It really is simple. Say you are sorry and tell him why and what your were feeling yourself. You pretty well said it in your post. Be honest. Do you think he will think less of you if you are honest about what was going on inside you. After tell him what you said:
"You are my Lover, best friend and My LIFE". Let him know.
 
PS You are not rotten to the core. Think about what you said in your last post. There is a difference between being rotten and being terrified. How can a rotten person LOVE. Be gentle,fearless and honest and do not be afraid to cry.
 
Tell him how Ii feel? I feel emty. He's gone.He walked out. Now i am alone. Just how I deserve. and I don't even know what the prolbem is. I'm, half cut and I still cant' open up..big big mess now. Going to crank up the steroeo and get sloshed and wait for the cops to come take me away..
 
Al,
I am sorry he left, and that you find yourself alone. Hopefully, in time things will cool, and you will work it out. Like you, I have had a real hard time opening up and talking with my mate, and it has at points really strained our marriage. I guess I dont have any magic advice, if such a thing even exists.

Look, we know that to have successful relationships we need to be open and honest, and that our inability to do that will eventually destroy everything we have. For me I try focusing on that when I want to express myself, and I am getting better at it. It is like most things in life, you have to decide this is something I am going to do no matter what, and force yourself to start talking.

There are things that need said, and there will never be the right time, or the right words to express them. I used that as an excuse to keep silent, but I could always find a reason not to talk if I wanted to. Then I started reminding myself of my first wife, and how that very thing destroyed us. I love Deborah, and I wont allow it to happen again. No matter how much I choke on them, I have begun forcing myself to talk about anything, everything. It is amazing how the trivial will often turn into a deeper discussion about needs and wants.

A time came when I realized that I couldnt keep living for the past. At some point, I had to live for the day, and own my part in it. I cannot undo what has happened, but I can do make this day right. At first I didnt go back, I only began expressing myself on current topics and questions, but over time as I opened up, more and more has come out. Dont get me wrong, I still struggle, and there is a lot about my abuse she doesnt know, but we are getting better.

Ask yourself this, how much do you really love him if you cant tell him everything and get love and support? Do you really think he would give you less? When I finally started talking a few weeks ago, I saw that all the fears I cooked up were all in my mind. Marc isnt going to stop loving and supporting you just because you were abuse, and he isnt going to think any less. That is what love is, acceptance and support. If it is true love those things should be there. I send you my best wishes, and hope it works out for you guys.

Jeff
 
I now what you say is right. and true. I just dont know where to start. There is no beginning,it justa lways was. IT was everything. It was everywhere. It was a little boy caught in a tornado taht never stopped never let up only touched the ground long enough to maim and batter and torture and destroy. What happens to the piece of dirt that survives the tornado,what is it made of, how does it breathe, love, exsist? I am the product of addition and substraction, multiplication and division, what is left over? what do i have left to gvie? I got to ask him to sit down for 21 years so I can tell hium the story tell him why how what. Please I am so sorry for dragging you guys all through thiss but I feel like itis the only lifeline i have left. i know its not your problem its only mine and nobody deserves to go through this jst me, So scared he is not going to come home. even more terrified he will
 
Al,

I have been through it. I watched helplessly as my ex slowly drifted away from me, and as I finally said the words that made me want to vomit, do you want to split up, or what? An expert at denial, I ignored her pained drinking, and her plea for comfort and attention. I denied there was anything wrong, or that she needed more than I was giving. It was easier to trust to God, and tell myself all was well. It was easier than looking for answers, or letting her inside my shell. I guess it was even easier than loosing her.

Oh, how I loved that woman! Why didnt I just share with her, and unite in the love that we had? Because I didnt know how, thats why. Because I refused to think of myself as anything but faithful and true, or to see just how impoverished our marriage had been emotionally. I got laid four or five nights a week, and thought myself happy and fulfilled. Yet, our demise was evidence that we were anything but happy. My wife never understood why I wasnt angry over her cheating. I wasnt angry because I had deserved it. It was all my fault.

It isnt that I know any more now than then. It is just that I am tired of living in a prison of silence and denial. For the first time, I am sick enough of living in a fashion that clearly wasnt working, that I have the strength to force myself to become something new. Are you sick enough to change? Is the pain of loosing Marc enough to take a leap of faith?

There are no perfect words to say that you were raped and abused, no time will come where the subject will just come up. At times you just have to blurt it out, and let it flow wherever it goes. I finally got so fed up living within my walls, that it was worth whatever price to finally be free. I felt I was loosing Deborah, and that if something didnt change, we would die like my first marriage. Facing the shame and fears of telling was finally less than the thoughts of loosing my family. Is loosing Marc going to be less painful than whatever fears are keeping you silent? Isnt love and understanding worth the risk?

I first told my wife in a letter, because I couldnt get it out any other way. I have worked hard to change, and can now speak in words. The way you get it out there isnt important; it is only important that you do.
 
I sit here staring at the blank screen. I can see your face in my mind's eye. I can see the dissappointment in your eyes, the sadness in your step, the sag of your shoulders shows the weight of the burden i have put on you.

You want me to talk.... about what? You want me to open up.... why? You want me to tell you what's bothering me.... how can I when I don't even know myself? All i know is everything hurts to think, to feel, to trust, everything. It all hurts. I want to talk to you but I don't know what to say, I don't know where to start. All I can think of is that it all started because I cried. I didn't cry because of what we had just shared, I cried because the incredible goodness of being with you, of being one with you, makes me realize how bad things really were and sometimes it all comes crashing back on me, smothering choking drowning me. You know I don't always realize when I'm crying. And I'm sorry it was such horrible timing. Sometimes i just can't help it. Maybe you shouldn't be here having to take all this. May be it's not right for you to put up with all my baggage. It's just not fair. But here's the thing.... its not fair to me either, i didn't ask for this life. And sure maybe I've dome some stupid things but nobody ever no matter how bad they are never deserves to feel like this. We need to talk. We need to connect. I need to find me. I need to know that underneath all the shit and grunge and baggage thereis siomeone worthy of your love.i am on my knees please come home god please
 
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