How did I forget?

How did I forget?
Resurgam

Resurgam

Registrant
I am in my early 50's. It was only a couple of years ago that I learned I had been molested by a grandfather and continued COCSA from an older brother. I struggle with the not-knowing; the fact that my memories are so limited and fragmented. For a while, I wanted the details. I wanted to know what happened, how it happened, how often it happened, and who exactly it happened with. I wanted to be sure I wasn't gaslighting myself. I haven't regained much in the way of details or new memories, but I have done some story work and I have deduced the kinds of sexual activities that were done to me based on the fantasies and unwanted sexual behaviors I have engaged in. I believe they were attempts to recreate my trauma experiences.

So, I'm not obsessing over what I can't remember, but now I find myself agonizing over the fact that I have completely brainwashed myself. As a little boy, I ran around naked. I would escape my house as a toddler and run in the yard naked. I was unashamed of my body. I know this because of family stories, but my self image is loaded with body shame and self-hatred. At some point, before 4th grade, I learned to be ashamed of myself. I gained weight and I hid myself. I became extremely modest. I can't remember my family talking about sex, or puberty, or physical development. I just remember being fat. I remember being embarrassed and believing I am an embarrassment to my dad. I remember not feeling like I belonged with men.

Even so, when asked, I would say that I had a good childhood. That was my narrative. That was my story. Ask me about details, though, and I come up empty handed. I can't tell you what any of my bedrooms looked like before high-school. I can't give you the names of my friends through most of my life. I can't tell you what my favorite clothes were.

So that's the question: How did I erase my memories so effectively? How did I lose my whole story? Did I drive out the memories myself, or were they driven out of me?

There is still a part of me that wants the details, but the stronger drive is to know how I lost myself. . . and how can I find myself again?

I hear about therapies like hypnosis, EMDR, and brainspotting. Could they work? Is there some other thing I should try?

I just want to know who I am, who I was, and who I am meant to be.
 
It would be best if you could connect with a therapist who specializes in dealing with sexual abuse and trauma issues to sort all this out. They would be able to help you with the various therapy options. Personally I am only familiar with EMDR, it helped me tremendously, but that is not the same for everyone.
 
I hear you. Don't doubt these memories, whatever shape they take. My memory journey has been similarly incoherent. Things are starting to align after a few years of trauma therapy. I'm remembering more and more. I think it's hard for my brain to break some memories into fragments and then not continue on doing that same thing to all of my memories. You'll remember yourself again. You'll get there. Keep going.
 
Resurgam said:
So that's the question: How did I erase my memories so effectively? How did I lose my whole story? Did I drive out the memories myself, or were they driven out of me?
Click to expand...
Our minds have a self preservation mode that kicks into play to preserve our sanity when called for. For me, I never forgot the abuse, any of it. What my mind came up with instead was this denial of the facts, it didn't mean anything, it didn't change anything and I'm NOT a victim. That simple little denial held for 20 years. Some painful things popped back up as I was dealing with the abuse issue, it's like your brain only lets it out as you are ready for it. Some people do hide it all, they don't remember anything until triggered.
My mother died when I was 5, it was all I could do to to not think of it or her in order to preserve my sanity... 5o something years later and I have hardly any memory of her. I was talking to my older brother about this a couple of years ago, he said that he too blocked her out of his head and now has no memory of her, and he was 11 when she died. It's amazing how our minds can shield us.
It sounds like you blocked out a lot, if not all of it. Your mind got you safely to this point, try to find an experienced abuse therapist to work with to try to unlock whats been hidden and what's driving thoughts and actions.
 
You might find you relate to this maybe you started when I was very young and I basically suppressed all of it. I just came out 60 years later. Even though I suppressed it, it came out in my sexuality every single fantasy I had every fetish, all of it Was a direct result of what happened to me in the abuse.

All of my sexual choices, what I did, who I did it with, the things that I liked, the things that I fantasize about was an exact replay of what happened to me as a child. All of it I didn’t have one original fantasy that was just me. It was all the way of coping with what happened to me, even though I was completely unaware of any of it.

Not surprisingly this is well known and documented in CSA, I had no idea because I didn’t even know that I had been traumatized. I blocked it so completely there was nothing in my conscious life or in the rest of my life to indicate any such thing, it only came out and my sexual life. Some of the fetishes I had were very unusual like baseball bats, but once my trauma came out, and I understood that we replay our trauma, especially when it’s been suppressed like I did. I had a very good idea of what happened to me because I knew what my fantasies were, and if I was reenacting all of That, then I knew that that’s where that came from.

But the good part of that is none of that was me, there wasn’t any me in those fantasies. It was all just a replay of my trauma. So now I’m in the point where I am rebuilding my sexuality and gonna be starting to have sexual activity again And so I have to figure out what I want, what I like, and what I wanna reclaim from the trauma in other words what is me?

Sounds like you might relate to some of this.
 
I do relate. I believe that most, if not all, of the things I hated about myself relate back to what was done when I was too young to understand or consent. I am telling myself to let go of a lot of shame and self-loathing because it ties back to CSA and COCSA. I am giving myself permission.

But it also feels so tenuous and fragile. That's why I want to regain some memory, if not of the event, then memory of the ways that I was made to forget (does that even make sense). I just want to know that I am not crazy, and that I am not gaslighting myself anymore.
 
Here’s where I think you’re struggling in and I’m not meaning this is criticism but explanation. What you’re probably trying to do is remember a mental image of something that happened to you in other words pictures sounds things like that who is there? What did they look like where was I at? What was the room like things like that.

At that age, actually pretty much any age before six. A lot of those things don’t necessarily exist because that’s not how you encoded those memories, it’s not in pictures. It’s not in sound. It’s in the body somatically. So what does that really mean?

Let me give you an example so when I have a memory specifically without getting into detail, I’ll use one from uncle Bill‘s house when I have a memory from there. OK I don’t have any pictures. It’s completely blank. I don’t have any sound. There’s no noise no taste sensation. There’s no smell. The only thing I get is the physical sensation of what happened to me in other words, a physical replay of what was done to my body the touch, touches and everything without going into detail.

So what is this mean if I’m trying to retrieve a memory from there there’s no pictures to see there’s no sounds. There’s nothing to trigger that. These are somatic memories. They’re a physical body memory. It’s encoded in my body. So to what remembering means for a somatic memory is a replay of what happened to you so when somebody touched you or whatever happened. You will feel that again and that’s how the body replays a somatic memory. So when you’re saying, I want to retrieve these, you can’t retrieve them into your mind because they don’t exist there. Somatic memories are encoded in the body and you have to use different methodology to retrieve them. This is where you’re probably gonna need the assistance of a therapist and one that can help you recover these memories. if you want to just sit and think and try and pull up the image, you’re not gonna be able to more than likely, especially the younger you were. the closer you get to preverbal you didn’t even have the ability to form words yet that doesn’t even happen for most kids till about one and a half to two so if you’re talking about something at two, you only had a few words to be able to describe anything And the images may or may not exist.

When I did an EMDR session about uncle Bill‘s basement I still experience a somatic memory, but I got more additional information. I did get some pictures but remember I was four. I did get some images and I got more emotion that I usually got but that was it and we’re talking about a couple of snapshots is all so it wasn’t a huge amount of information that I got, but I was also for. And each person is gonna remember differently.

Here’s the important thing clearing those somatic memories and integrating them is just as important as the visual and audio and all the other memories that you have it just is not done quite the same way because it’s a different method for you remember it. This is probably why you’re having difficulty because you’re trying to retrieve memories that aren’t really stored the way you’re trying to get them.

So if I think I want to remember what happened in this room or in this place or at this instance in our mind is trying to pull up a picture. It doesn’t probably exist or if it does, it may not be easily retrievable so there are different therapeutic methods to get access to this and that’s if you want to retrieve these and clear them, that’s what you have to do.
 
I just reread your answer to and I want to point to something y’all have no doubt that these were real when you get a somatic memory replay.

When I first met my therapist, I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to remember that I moved into once I started to remember I wanna remember everything every last detail. For me that was before I found out the horror of what actually happened to me i’m in a spot now where I’ve remembered enough. I don’t have to see it all. And I’m kind of glad I reached that spot. For me, my abuse is all very bad, but not everybody has the same type of experience or feels the same way.

The ways you were made to forget that’s actually pretty easy. It’s generally called either disassociation or there’s also compartmentalization. There are two different things, but they can kind of serve the same function.

Disassociation is something I’m a master in reality what that means is our mind goes to a different place kind of it pulls back from raw reality and kind of puts a filter in front of us. for me, for example, when I was downstairs in uncle Bill‘s basement, I would stare at the light and that was my thought , look at the light, look at the light and I would do that and disassociate and so that I didn’t remember what was going on. I didn’t have to be there to feel it. I could kind of take a trip my body still felt it, but my mind was trying to protect me. There are levels of disassociation. You can actually disassociate something completely and there’s no actual memory trace of it remaining. it’s actually gone, most of the time we disassociate to a lower level than that and so the memories are retrievable. Using different methods.

Compartmentalization is a bit different, but think of it is putting something in a box and then you close the box. it remains tucked away, and I did both when I was going through mine. I could compartmentalize it and disassociate so I could put it in a box and I could also pull away from what was actually happening to me and then I would flip. when I did that and become like a normal kid again like it never happened and when it finally stopped, that’s the way it stayed for 60 years tucked away until I opened it back up again because it was time my brain was starting to let the stuff out regardless, and once I started looking at it, then that it all came back.

I hope this is all clear for you and give you some idea what it boils down to is. There are techniques to help recover this. These memories and things especially for somatic is not as easy to do on your own. trauma Therapist is probably gonna be your best guide and the techniques are basically going to be what works best for you. which you can’t really predict, some people for example EMDR is very effective for other people it’s not. Brain spotting can be very good, somatic memory work can be very good. A lot of it just has to do with the methods that work well for you. So rather than try and select a method and then use that to pick a therapist pick an excellent trauma where therapist and let them guide you and figure out what works best for you
 
Resurgam said:
I am in my early 50's. It was only a couple of years ago that I learned I had been molested by a grandfather and continued COCSA from an older brother. I struggle with the not-knowing; the fact that my memories are so limited and fragmented. For a while, I wanted the details. I wanted to know what happened, how it happened, how often it happened, and who exactly it happened with. I wanted to be sure I wasn't gaslighting myself. I haven't regained much in the way of details or new memories, but I have done some story work and I have deduced the kinds of sexual activities that were done to me based on the fantasies and unwanted sexual behaviors I have engaged in. I believe they were attempts to recreate my trauma experiences.

So, I'm not obsessing over what I can't remember, but now I find myself agonizing over the fact that I have completely brainwashed myself. As a little boy, I ran around naked. I would escape my house as a toddler and run in the yard naked. I was unashamed of my body. I know this because of family stories, but my self image is loaded with body shame and self-hatred. At some point, before 4th grade, I learned to be ashamed of myself. I gained weight and I hid myself. I became extremely modest. I can't remember my family talking about sex, or puberty, or physical development. I just remember being fat. I remember being embarrassed and believing I am an embarrassment to my dad. I remember not feeling like I belonged with men.

Even so, when asked, I would say that I had a good childhood. That was my narrative. That was my story. Ask me about details, though, and I come up empty handed. I can't tell you what any of my bedrooms looked like before high-school. I can't give you the names of my friends through most of my life. I can't tell you what my favorite clothes were.

So that's the question: How did I erase my memories so effectively? How did I lose my whole story? Did I drive out the memories myself, or were they driven out of me?

There is still a part of me that wants the details, but the stronger drive is to know how I lost myself. . . and how can I find myself again?

I hear about therapies like hypnosis, EMDR, and brainspotting. Could they work? Is there some other thing I should try?

I just want to know who I am, who I was, and who I am meant to be.
Click to expand...
First, I am sorry that you are dealing with all of this. I do relate in some ways. I knew nothing of my years of abuse for decades. And I have wondered how that was even possible. How that happened. But I have come to understand that the mind may not allow those things to be recalled untill we are able to handle it. Even now, there are chunks of time that are blank. Things that I feel I should remember, but don't. What has happened recently is that more memories have returned, and as they have, some of those blanks have been filled in. Hoping the answers you need will come.
 
Resurgam said:
I did it. I asked for help. I just got off the phone with a therapist. The phone consultation went well, and I am looking forward to working with him. First appointment will be in early January. My body was literally shaking as I talked to him.
Click to expand...
Fantastic you took such a huge step. You should really feel proud of yourself.

I think that’s a really difficult thing for us to do, and even just making the call and getting the process started they’ll be more of those along the way, but you took the first big one.

If you can do this, you can do the rest of it. I’ll share how I went into therapy, we didn’t know the extent of what happened to me when I went in. I thought it was just my big brother that probably had molested me. It turned out it was so much more, but I decided from the very beginning that I was gonna be completely honest and open with my therapist, and the main reason I had was if I don’t tell them everything how can they help me

And since you’re kind of new to this like I was, here’s a thought a lot of what we have is very difficult to say and very difficult to hear, but remember a therapist chose his profession, they spent a tremendous amount of time and effort getting certified in license, training, and all that goes with it. This is what they want to do for a living is to help people like us. Once I realize that it made it a lot easier for me to share the really difficult stuff.

Congratulations on taking this big step.
 
I found talking to a therapist over the phone (to establish a relationship and schedule an appointment) to be therapeutic in and of itself. I felt better just from that.
 
Resurgam said:
I set the stage to be very honest with him when we meet.
Click to expand...
Congratulations on taking this very important step. It takes a lot of courage, like walking off the edge of a cliff.
I hope you find it most enlightening.as you find more and more that will explain some of your current personality.. With your attitude it sounds as if this will be a very productive relationship.
I knew almost every detail of my abuse from the beginning and after a couple of false starts (with the obviously wrong therapists) I had a real breakthrough. More centered on The Truth both about me and about what I needed to do to process all I already knew. There's probably going to be a ton of stuff you may not like knowing, but that's the great thing about therapy. Processing it after you can actually fill in all the details. .
 
I can relate a lot to this. Years ago some memories came back, just to tell me that I am not weird for no reason. Those memories didn’t make me feel anything, just like a moment long gone. Full of blanks, single images, single sensations, but so unreal because of missing context. This is probably the same mechanism that saved us in those moments, by taking away what couldn’t be handled. Until the brain feels it’s time to add, flashback by flashback.
And I think details are everything. Details are what shapes us. Details can change an innocent touch into the cause of life long doubts and feeling wrong and distort what was wrong into what we knew as normal.
I am sorry for what you go through. This place is made of people who understand. And help.
Resurgam said:
I struggle with the not-knowing; the fact that my memories are so limited and fragmented. For a while, I wanted the details. I wanted to know what happened, how it happened, how often it happened, and who exactly it happened with. I wanted to be sure I wasn't gaslighting myself.
Click to expand...
 
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