Hello Everyone

[Winterfr3sh]

Hi, I'm Winterfr3sh.

I was sexually abused in science class on multiple occasions by my lab partner. We were in 8th grade.

That's not the only abuse I have suffered. What left me prone to this type of abuse was probably going on earlier. I was raise by very loving but legalistic parents. My mother taught me to fear hell, and I took things very seriously as a child. So I denied myself my own feelings. I was also denied my own sexuality due to my mother and fathers' over-zealous protection and discouragement.

I have a lot of hurt. I have a lot of repressed rage. I am in a very stressful, uncertain time of my life. I work extremely hard, and I have extreme anxiety.

I am also struggling with shame. Massive amounts of shame over who I am. I feel like I've wasted much of my life so far (I'm 24). I feel ashamed and that everything is my fault, and I deserve hell. That's also part of the LCMS Lutheran theology I was brought up in. "You're a poor, miserable sinner." I believed that that's how God wanted me to feel, all the time, or else I couldn't be saved from the hell I so desperately deserved.

I am out to Facebook about my sexual abuse. I have tried to lose my faith, but have not succeeded. I don't want to, but I need to let go of my deep shame somehow.

I am on here because I need to work through my issues and have my story be heard. I have been extremely guilty and ashamed of myself and my sexuality for so long. I have not been satisfied with myself. I've never dated (My first girlfriend was actually just this December...but she and I are backing off because of this dark stuff coming out of me now...)

I go to counseling twice a week and I just started medication again. I am a full time nursing school student and violinist.

 

[Donald177]

Hello Winterfr3sh,

Dear bother, I am so sorry that you have experienced so much pain. I am sorry that your parents have added extra stress on you. I am thankful that you are here. You will be surrounded by so much support and encouragement. Share what you wish all in your timing. Please feel free to message me anytime.

Best wishes on your pursuit of your nursing degree. I know you are putting in lots of hours. This can bring on more stress. Take one day at a time.

Many blessings,
Donald

 

[Winterfr3sh]

Thanks Donald

 

[Ceremony]

Hello WinterFr3sh, This is a good place to explore possibilities, while having support on that journey. There is a wealth of experience in these forums.
It takes a lot of time to read back, and stay in touch with active threads. Work, life, needs, etc... I hope you feel welcome. Best wishes to you!

 

[motmcd]

Hello, Winterfr3sh, and welcome to this wonderful community. I'm sorry for your troubles, is the old Irish expression. I use it sincerely and hope you find peace.

Everything you feel, your sense of shame, lack of direction, and more have been felt by most of us here. You're on a good path to getting such feelings behind you. Keep working with your therapist. Be patient with yourself. Smile. We're all here for you.

Peace,
Tom

 

[manipulated]

Welcome Winterfr3sh

You are not alone and the Missouri Synod has no monopoly on religious guilt. Raised Presbyterian here but same suppressed repressed guilt ridden sinner and damned sinner teachings. You are much stronger than I when it comes to being out with the abuse on facebook but the sharing I have done is only through support and safety I have felt since I joined this site.

Glad you are here sorry for why.

manipulated

 

[KMCINVA]

Winterfr3sh

I think in order to be a church, it must pass the guilt test. I am glad you found your way here. Remember it was not your fault. Support is essential in the healing process. I am glad you have therapy and a doctor to help you find the medications that will assist you in healing.

Thoughts are with you.

Kevin

 

[Winterfr3sh]

Hello WinterFr3sh, This is a good place to explore possibilities, while having support on that journey. There is a wealth of experience in these forums.
It takes a lot of time to read back, and stay in touch with active threads. Work, life, needs, etc... I hope you feel welcome. Best wishes to you!

Yeah I have a busy life trying to stay on top of school right now, working through anxiety. But this place exists and I enjoy it. I just referred my best friend to this place. He may be joining soon, or may not. If he does, I'll be the first to welcome him. I'll let him tell his story.
Hope to stay in touch with you Ceremony. You like like a very nice young man in that profile picture

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi Winterfr3sh - WELCOME,

I'm glad you joined us on this journey of healing. Just to know there are others with abusive pasts who are surviving and thriving has been a comfort to me, and I hope you find this true. Counseling and medication are so important, it's encouraging to see those have a place in your busy schedule.

As you've found, shame can be deadly but you have no need for shame, regardless of earlier teaching. It's much easier said than done, but I hope you can internalize this truth, and not have to lose your faith to do so. Sometime our faith is the only thing that will carry us through those really dark, lonely places.

Take care of yourself, heal well, and best wishes as you continue with your music and nursing school.

CJ

 

[Winterfr3sh]

Hello, Winterfr3sh, and welcome to this wonderful community. I'm sorry for your troubles, is the old Irish expression. I use it sincerely and hope you find peace.

Everything you feel, your sense of shame, lack of direction, and more have been felt by most of us here. You're on a good path to getting such feelings behind you. Keep working with your therapist. Be patient with yourself. Smile. We're all here for you.

Peace,
Tom

Thanks. I like the Irish expression. I kinda hear it being said in Michael Caine's voice (the butler from the Dark Knight Batman movies).

I'm really working on not feeling ashamed of myself all the time. It's hard to believe how long I've been living under a dark cloud of shame and anxiety. So long. Unbelievable. I'm pissed off. I need anger therapy too. Any ideas?

I'll keep on the path. See you round.

 

[woodenshoes]

Winterfr3sh

Sorry for the need to be here. There are great resources here. Hope you can find the inner strength to forgive yourself. It was not your fault. We all make mistakes in life and at such a young age we are not fully developed nor understand the consequences that may result from our actions. Please don't be to hard on yourself.

Ws

 

[Winterfr3sh]

Welcome Winterfr3sh

You are not alone and the Missouri Synod has no monopoly on religious guilt. Raised Presbyterian here but same suppressed repressed guilt ridden sinner and damned sinner teachings. You are much stronger than I when it comes to being out with the abuse on facebook but the sharing I have done is only through support and safety I have felt since I joined this site.

Glad you are here sorry for why.

manipulated

Hey Manipulated, your name says it all doesn't it. Same awful teaching. The Bible sure does kill and make alive. It's quite the system... isn't it?
The struggle between Law and Gospel...living in that sometimes gut-wrenching tension of the sinner/saint paradox..
There never seems to be true peace in this life.

What do you believe now?

 

[Elad1]

Hi Winterfr3sh,

I'm sorry for abuse you experienced as a child. The realization that this has affected you tells me you'r on a path to healing. Thank you for showing me the courage to come here and speak your truth. I often say "shame is the great destroyer" because it is the core of the way I see and experience my world. To understand the things we lost (missed healthy experiences, healthy life choices) as a result of abuse can be devastating, yet as one continues on the path to healing, one will within time see how a negative can be recast into a positive.

 

[Winterfr3sh]

Hi Winterfr3sh,

I'm sorry for abuse you experienced as a child. The realization that this has affected you tells me you'r on a path to healing. Thank you for showing me the courage to come here and speak your truth. I often say "shame is the great destroyer" because it is the core of the way I see and experience my world. To understand the things we lost (missed healthy experiences, healthy life choices) as a result of abuse can be devastating, yet as one continues on the path to healing, one will within time see how a negative can be recast into a positive.

Hey Elad1,
Thanks for welcoming me here and being a part of my journey to healing. I'm especially encouraged by that last line, seeing negatives turn to positives.
Your whole post rings true for me. I'm just beginning to explore how experiences and things I have lost/the way I am because of past abuse...can actually be gifts to be used to love others who need it.

 

[greenwizard]

Hello. I'm sorry you had it so rough growing up. I understand how important faith can be, but with a lot of the dogma out there... I don't know if this would help you or not, but I just kind of concentrated on the teachings of Jesus, who taught love and acceptance. The rest I threw in the trash. I have my own unique faith that's kind of a Paganism/Christian mix. It may not work for a lot of other people, but it works for me, and that is what matters.

 

[TylerZ]

x

 

[Winterfr3sh]

Hello. I'm sorry you had it so rough growing up. I understand how important faith can be, but with a lot of the dogma out there... I don't know if this would help you or not, but I just kind of concentrated on the teachings of Jesus, who taught love and acceptance. The rest I threw in the trash. I have my own unique faith that's kind of a Paganism/Christian mix. It may not work for a lot of other people, but it works for me, and that is what matters.

Hey Green, that's what I'm struggling to do. I am so deeply locked in to certain beliefs and worldviews that I have been trained in since childhood. Basically "train up
A child in the way he should go, and he will not depart from it his entire life." My Mom took that literally to mean "brain wash your child to be a Christian so he will not go to hell." The shame I've been taught about sin and my body goes all the way down to the core. I am so, so so angry that I get overwhelmed and I lose sleep. I feel stuck.

Help me to throw away the shame. I am at a loss for how I can undo these iron-clad beliefs that I forced myself to believe about sin and God and shit.

 

[sorryson]

Winterfr3sh I am sorry you suffered so much. Religion when too strict can cause a lot pain, fear and guilt. I know the religion of my family affected me and what I did not tell about the teacher priest. We feared the priest and I learned from Mama and her family going to church frequently does not make you a good person. A good person is one who helps and does not talk about what they did and a person who does not make fun of others to get a laugh. A good person is there no matter what happens.

Sounds like you want to get better and coming here is a major step. Thank you for allowing me to read your story. I hope everything gets better.

Paul

 

[Winterfr3sh]

Hey Winterfr3sh,
I also am in college and am in my 20's. I understand the amount of pressure being in college and trying to deal with these issues can bring. I understand the guilt and shame from being raised in a religious household. That type type of guilt can be hard to let go. I wish you all the best. Feel free to PM me.

Hey TylerZ,

Thanks for your empathy. I am making some progress on the religious shame, thanks to the help of loving people both online and in my life. I will shoot you a PM sometime too. Us young ones gotta stick together!

 

[Winterfr3sh]

Winterfr3sh I am sorry you suffered so much. Religion when too strict can cause a lot pain, fear and guilt. I know the religion of my family affected me and what I did not tell about the teacher priest. We feared the priest and I learned from Mama and her family going to church frequently does not make you a good person. A good person is one who helps and does not talk about what they did and a person who does not make fun of others to get a laugh. A good person is there no matter what happens.

Sounds like you want to get better and coming here is a major step. Thank you for allowing me to read your story. I hope everything gets better.

Paul

Hey Paul,

Thanks for your understanding and your sympathy. I'm honored that you read my story. no need to thank ME for your reading it!!!! lol
Laughter is a good medicine.

I am finding healing from the religious guilt. I hope you are too.