Got triggered

I was watching TV last night, doing some "channel surfing", and on Lifetime, there was a movie about a deaf teenage girl whose father was abusive and a woman who was trying to help her. I tuned in just as the deaf girl broke something in the woman's home accidentally. She handed a belt to the woman, expecting to be abused. The woman said no, and hugged her. That scene really got to me, as I realized how often I expect abusive treatment in my life. When someone acts nice to me, I never trust it, thinking they want something from me, or want to hurt me. I felt like crying, but was abused into not being able to cry. (I just get migraine headaches instead.) I feel like I have two barriers in my life, one external, keeping everyone at a distance, and another one internal, keeping my pain and emotions numbed. I have been in therapy forever, but now can't go because of my unemployment. (I am going to check on low cost counseling, but at this point, there are too many other issues more pressing, such as the fact that I have no job, no income, no benefits, no prospects, and months of court battles ahead.) I feel like I have been in "crisis mode" for the last 8 years. I've had a few breaks where things haven't been so bad, but usually, it's "buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy ride", like an out of control roller coaster. Others expect me to be strong and help them, but I don't feel like I have anybody to turn to now except me, and sometimes that's scary and tough. I'm rambling, but just needed to share.

 

[michael Joseph]

I remember getting the shit beat out of me at 9 with a belt by my dad. Somehow the pain
is still lingering.

Let me know how you are doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Scott,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so badly. Triggers can be so unexpected and really knock me on my ass sometimes. I hate that feeling of helplessness that I get. I have found though that I am able to manage them better most of the time and I am grateful for that.

If there is a rape crisis center near you, yhey very well may be able to provide short term counselling for you for free. The one that I volunteer at does not promote the services that are offered for men but they do offer counselling for male survivors. Short term counselling usually being 6 months or so. It would not hurt to look into it. It is so tough when you find yourself in a bad place and do not have someone to really talk to about how you are handling things.

I am glad to see that you are posting about what is going on for you. It is always better for me when I get the feelings out.

Take care of yourself.

Peace,

Jim

 

With my dad, I never knew what would set him off. Just me being an individual and having interests and an identity of my own was the biggest threat to him. I was beat into submission in lots of ways, not just physically. That's why I shut off my emotions, and numbed myself permanently. I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel. I could just sit in my bedroom with my door closed and dissociate. School wasn't much better. Since I wasn't like the other kids, that made me somehow bad and defective. I needed to "straighten up", but no one told me how to straighten up. I seldom got encouragement. At church, I felt like I was told that I was going to hell because I was "different", and at school, I was told that I was bad and defective because I was "different". At home, I was abused and told I belonged in a mental hospital because I was "different". I thought when I grew up, things would be different, but now, here I am, unemployed, friendless, and probably permanently disabled, with no prospects and no hope for the future. Right now, if I would predict the future, in a year, I'll either be homeless or dead, and my money's on dead. And I'm not sure I care any more. I'm tired of the fight. I don't think I'd do anything actively to commit suicide, but with no pay and no benefits, I don't know how I'm going to pay for all my medication when it runs out. No Medicare or Medicaid is available until I'm broke, and by then, it will probably be too late for help anyway. When I do go look for a job, and they ask me why I left my last job, what am I supposed to say? "I'm sorry, I can't say because of pending litigation." I keep wondering how I got in this mess. (By the way, if you have a cell phone with AT&T Wireless, have it disconnected. What can they do to me that they haven't done already?) I keep thinking that things will work out for the best, but that doesn't keep me from being scared out of my mind at times.