Fun with puns
Good One, Mike !!
Fun with puns
- Thread starterNothing Man
- Start date
victor-victim
Registrant
someone threw caution to the wind
gettingstronger
Registrant
All children are kind....
But only Swiss, Austrian and German children are kinder.
But only Swiss, Austrian and German children are kinder.
victor-victim
Registrant
https://www.bbc.com/future/story/20160308-the-curse-of-the-people-who-cant-stop-making-puns
[font:Arial Black]diagnosed with a condition called Witzelsucht (addiction to wisecracking)[/font]
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26900737
[font:Courier New]Humor, or the perception or elicitation of mirth and funniness, is distinguishable from laughter and can be differentially disturbed by neuropsychiatric disease. The authors describe two patients with constant joking, or Witzelsucht, in the absence of pseudobulbar affect and review the literature on pathological humor. These patients had involvement of frontal structures, impaired appreciation of nonsimple humor, and a compulsion for disinhibited joking. Current neuroscience suggests that impaired humor integration from right lateral frontal injury and disinhibition from orbitofrontal damage results in disinhibited humor, preferentially activating limbic and subcortical reward centers. Additional frontal-subcortical circuit dysfunction may promote pathological joking as a compulsion.
[/font]
[font:Arial Black]diagnosed with a condition called Witzelsucht (addiction to wisecracking)[/font]
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26900737
[font:Courier New]Humor, or the perception or elicitation of mirth and funniness, is distinguishable from laughter and can be differentially disturbed by neuropsychiatric disease. The authors describe two patients with constant joking, or Witzelsucht, in the absence of pseudobulbar affect and review the literature on pathological humor. These patients had involvement of frontal structures, impaired appreciation of nonsimple humor, and a compulsion for disinhibited joking. Current neuroscience suggests that impaired humor integration from right lateral frontal injury and disinhibition from orbitofrontal damage results in disinhibited humor, preferentially activating limbic and subcortical reward centers. Additional frontal-subcortical circuit dysfunction may promote pathological joking as a compulsion.
[/font]
victor-victim
Registrant
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
gettingstronger
Registrant
Never try to use a pun on a kleptomaniac.
They always take things literally.
They always take things literally.
Very good !!
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... I couldn't concentrate.
--Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it, so I got the ax.
--After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
--Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
--I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining.
--So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job there.
--After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
--My last job was working at a coffee shop, but I had to quit because it was the same old grind.
--Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it, so I got the ax.
--After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
--Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
--I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining.
--So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job there.
--After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
--My last job was working at a coffee shop, but I had to quit because it was the same old grind.
Hilarious !! (Especially a new one for me - the orange juice gig)
Hope the job search is going well, Mike
Hope the job search is going well, Mike
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550.00!” she cried, “$550.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $5.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.00”
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet..
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$550.00!” she cried, “$550.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $5.00, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $550.00”
gettingstronger
Registrant
I bought out the wrist watch display at the local department store, took the bands apart, and made them into a belt.
It turned out to be waist of time.
It turned out to be waist of time.
Henry Berglund
Registrant
Witty witty witty LOL
gettingstronger
Registrant
I was in Sam's Club and a display of Omegs 3 capsules fell over on me. Thank God, the injuries were only super fish oil....
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
gettingstronger
Registrant
Have you ever been to the Foothills of Comedy?
Actually, they're hill areas...
Actually, they're hill areas...
