Flash of Anger, Word of Truth

[JC1]

One thing that I rarely do is to yell at my wife. I may yell at other people, but not at her. Only twice in recent memory. Once while I was struggling about telling her about my abuse. I was being a real pain in the ass, and she turned to me and asked what my problem was. I went ballistic and yelled, " I'll tell you what my problem is...my fucking brother sexually abused me for years." Somehow that flash of anger enabled me to say what was really on the inside.

It happened again, yesterday. We were outside and I couldn't get the riding mower to run. Got mad, kicked the seat and said some pretty rough words. She looked at me and said, "What is going on with you?" At which point I started to cry and said, "What wrong with me? What's wrong with me is that I don't want my life to end this way. I dont's want my life to end with me being like this and feeling like this."

Another flash of anger where truth came out. I had never said that, but it is the truth and it gnaws away at me, and I have been afraid to say it to her, to my therapist, and maybe to myself. I am older than many here, so maybe it's that. I don't know. I just don't want this to be all there is. I worry that there might not be time for enough therapy to turn the tide or something.

I need to not feel that way, and as long as I give in to those feelings, I am adding to the problem and my abuser is winning.

 

[Georgie]

Therapy can never start too late.

 

[smc1972]

I just don't want this to be all there is. I worry that there might not be time for enough therapy to turn the tide or something.

Your post speaks to me in particular this part. That is one of my things that has gotten me down and still does. It is that feeling of “where is MY life”. This has become even more true now that my 25 your realtor with my partner is or has ended.

I want to have time to do the things I use to imagine or dream of even as a kid but never did. I never thought i would live to grow old so that also adds this since to me that i do not wnat this to be like it is. I thought I would be dead in my 50’s and so who cared. Now, Now I want to have that life and i think you are feeling a very similar thing.

I cant say I have the answer or great words of wisdom of than we cant stop. As much as it sucks at times we still have to work to do the things we are wanting to do.

As for the snapping at your wife, I am not one to snap at at anyone but I belive it is our ub-conscious trying to get our attention at times. Like what you described. It is something you would never do with your wife but you have twice. Both of those were around the abuse and you mind was saying it is ok to be angry at what was done now fight for yourself.

Again just my thoughts as I am still trying to figure things out myself. Talk to you therapist if you can maybe do an extra session now and then. Please take care of yourself.

 

[JC1]

Thank you for this smc for understanding where i am in this! Never ever thought I’d be here dealing with something like this. Now over 70. I am feeling I don’t want to reach the end of my life still in this battle. I get scared that there won’t be time or therapy. I know i just have to keep going, though.

 

[GaD3!]

You are in therapy and finally dealing with the abuse. As long as you keep fighting and at times it is a battle you can and will get to a better place. We can never give into despair, if we do the abusers win and that can never be. As long as you keep working on healing there is hope! Cling to that hope. It does not matter at what age one starts therapy. Therapy and healing is an ongoing process or a journey, if one never starts on that journey they stay stuck in the cesspool of the abuse. You are climbing out of that place now. Healing is incremental. You may drop dead tomorrow or live another 30 years it is the same for all of us. All one can do is work on healing today and all the next days we have. That is what matters, moment by moment if need be, but as for far in the future goes, none of us are guaranteed that.

as long as I give in to those feelings, I am adding to the problem and my abuser is winning.

Remember this. They cannot be given the victory! As always I wish you peace and healing. Take care.

 

[Bluedogone]

I just don't want this to be all there is. I worry that there might not be time for enough therapy to turn the tide or something.

I'm so sorry you're at this crossroad. I was 70 - ONCE.
My son, bless him, now tends to keep me in check when I mouth off about the idea that the end is near, and my wife Certainly did before her passing.

Dad passed away at 70 and for some reason I had it in my head that I would too. But instead, at 70, I had a life altering event that sent me in a completely different direction. Not what I would have chosen, but okay. For sure, there's a whole lot more stuff to see in the read view mirror than straight ahead, but one of my therapists told me that one way to help get me out of the funk I was in at the time - was to say So, What.

As @GaD31 said "we may drop dead tomorrow or live another 30 years" No guarantee.
My fucking brother didn't abuse me for years so I'm sure you have a whole bunch more to process and resolve through therapy than I ever will, but starting therapy and keeping at it isn't nothing. For me it's pretty awesome in itself. .

May this dark time be only a brief stop off to continued and long lasting therapy. And may you get the #&!*# riding lawn mower to run.

 

[JC1]

You are in therapy and finally dealing with the abuse. As long as you keep fighting and at times it is a battle you can and will get to a better place. We can never give into despair, if we do the abusers win and that can never be. As long as you keep working on healing there is hope! Cling to that hope. It does not matter at what age one starts therapy. Therapy and healing is an ongoing process or a journey, if one never starts on that journey they stay stuck in the cesspool of the abuse. You are climbing out of that place now. Healing is incremental. You may drop dead tomorrow or live another 30 years it is the same for all of us. All one can do is work on healing today and all the next days we have. That is what matters, moment by moment if need be, but as for far in the future goes, none of us are guaranteed that.

Remember this. They cannot be given the victory! As always I wish you peace and healing. Take care.

I do see what you are saying. And of course it is true. I think there is some resentment that this invaded the years I thought should have been very different. But I am not alone in that, and as you say none of us have any guarantees. Not wanting them to win keeps me going!

 

[JC1]

I'm so sorry you're at this crossroad. I was 70 - ONCE.
My son, bless him, now tends to keep me in check when I mouth off about the idea that the end is near, and my wife Certainly did before her passing.

Dad passed away at 70 and for some reason I had it in my head that I would too. But instead, at 70, I had a life altering event that sent me in a completely different direction. Not what I would have chosen, but okay. For sure, there's a whole lot more stuff to see in the read view mirror than straight ahead, but one of my therapists told me that one way to help get me out of the funk I was in at the time - was to say So, What.

As @GaD31 said "we may drop dead tomorrow or live another 30 years" No guarantee.
My fucking brother didn't abuse me for years so I'm sure you have a whole bunch more to process and resolve through therapy than I ever will, but starting therapy and keeping at it isn't nothing. For me it's pretty awesome in

Thanks Bluedogone. Appreciate your thoughts. I do try to not let it get to me, but there are those times... Sometimes when I am driving home from therapy, I start to think, well fuck, here I am at this age needing therapy! I do know it is necessary for healing to take place, and so I go on. (and I did finally get that damn mower going!)

 

[GaD3!]

I do see what you are saying. And of course it is true. I think there is some resentment that this invaded the years I thought should have been very different. But I am not alone in that, and as you say none of us have any guarantees. Not wanting them to win keeps me going!

I completely understand the resentment, it is hard not to have those thoughts at times.