Discarded by an Avoidant Ex

[cptsdbpdgay1995]

I was dating a guy for six months, the second half long distance, and he got put on disciplinary probation for his job. I traveled over 20 hours to come comfort him, and he want on a four day drug and sex binge before I got there. When I arrived, he was distance and withdrawing affection and made me feel so discarded and worthless. He's the only person besides my therapist who I ever opened up about my sexual abuse and my strange nightmares and fantasies. He was loving and attentive before this. He went to rehab and decided he didn't want to talk to me anymore. I really loved him and thought he cared about me. He promised not to abandon me. It's bringing out my anxious avoidant tendencies, and I'm struggling with severe depression. It's reminding me about how my abuser discarded me and making me crave an older family to take care of me. Has anyone experienced anything similar?

 

[LittleSteve]

I haven’t, but even without the abuse what you’re describing can be a pretty normal cycle for somebody who is drug dependent enough to enter a rehab program. I hope you’re in therapy. You didn’t mention that that I remember and could discuss this with your therapist. If if you haven’t dealt with this type of problem in the past, it could seem to be all about you. But in his world, it’s a different story. I would really suggest some support either a website similar to this or Al-Anon or some of the other groups and that could help you understand his addiction and what’s in there. he may not be emotionally able to be in a relationship with you because of what he’s going through right now, or with anyone. That’s why I think some support and perspective would be really valuable to you, I know you’ve shared your trauma with him but to an addict it’s about him. The fact that he’s entered, rehab is a good sign, but his lack of communication could also be part of the rehab protocol. It depends upon the type of treatment he’s in but a lot of times because just like with us there are triggers that can trigger a lot of behavioral problems and their old tapes that loops through their head just like ours. So in some ways, it can be a parallel experience, but cutting communication during rehab allows them to focus on themselves and in effect also forces them to focus on themselves, so it’s a very common thing not to have much communication during rehab. Sometimes there are family Visits or spouse/significant other visits, but those are generally limited in time supervised or in a very controlled type environment and it’s more of allowing the person to touch base with the outside world briefly, but they don’t really want them to engage in that so the rehab would not want him to emotionally engage and be involved on a day-to-day basis. Normally they don’t allow phones contact with the outside world is strictly limited if you have questions about their policies and this is a significant relationship to you. You could always contact the rehab center and ask them what their policies are. his lack of contact probably has absolutely nothing to do with his desire to talk to you now that may not be the case if he’s choosing not to have you visit, but they may not allow visits in the beginning anyway again you can check with the rehab center for their policies.

And the reason I’m saying this is you mentioned you have anxious, attachment problems yes this may be feeding them, but it may have nothing to do with his choice at this point other than the fact that he’s in rehab so to clarify for yourself I think it would be a good idea to investigate this further and also seek some support. Many many of us also have substance abuse problems so I think you may find that there are ways that you can get some support for that here. I’m not one of those so I can’t really advise you much on that but before you go down the depression anxious rejection thought patterns please investigate what he’s allowed to do and also realize that rehab is an intense focused process that is focused completely on him and his healing and not on his outside attachments and relationship relationships, and it has to be that way for it to be effective