Crippled
CompleteIsolation
New Registrant
I tried to press charges against my father a decade ago. After I was done telling the detectives the details, they nodded to each other in confirmation, and I became the target. Five years later, I tried to kill myself because of what followed. I've been labelled as the worst of the worst, and what was done to me, and the severe disabilities that resulted, are the proof I deserve it, according to many. One of the detectives, the very day after I interviewed with him, had my mother rub his wife in my face. She was someone from high school almost 20 years earlier who embarrassed herself in a class by trying to get another teen boy to beat me up. I always suspected she was just making him "work for it", and I was the convenient target sitting next to her. It backfired because I couldn't stand her, and almost 20 years later, her husband detective became one of the worst abusers I could have known to make me pay for her teenage embarrassment. He ultimately lost his job as a result of my suicide attempt, even though it's not public and he can deny it. He had to go back to school and earn a masters in criminal justice so he could be an administrative "desk" sergeant for the next few years. Detective for a decade -> grad school -> desk sergeant. Not exactly a typical career path. I recently found out he was promoted to lieutenant in charge of investigations in this town a couple years ago. That bothers me. He has a documented history of excessive force and overwhelming abuse of power. I know it personally. I've even been told exactly that. I knew someone else he nearly beat to death when a patrol officer, only I didn't know until after I interviewed with him. This is barely a scratch of what I'm dealing with. A senior enlisted marine was forced into retirement a few years ago because he was targeting me too, but I'm not allowed to talk about that because such things don't happen in this country.
On a certain trip through a major city over a decade ago, in the middle of the night, I was almost out of gas. I followed my first gps system, a program with a separate antenna loaded on my PDA. It brought me to this really dangerous neighborhood in this city and kept resetting my position, taking me in circles around this neighborhood. Suddenly I see a woman in her mid-20's in a Sunday dress walking down the middle of the street, completely alone. There was a car behind me maybe 100 yards following slowly. I pulled up to her and asked for directions to a gas station. She just stared at me for a moment before giving me the directions. Then she put her hand up and told me to not stop in that neighborhood, adamantly. I found the gas station just as my car ran out of gas. At the pump, where my car died, there was this guy at the other pump looking at me as if I was completely insane for being there. Imagine my surprise last year when I found out that during that year, this marine was the director of whatnot for the marine corps in that particular city. Last year, he tried to maim me at the warehouse he was working in. I didn't even know it was him. It was the only time I had ever patronized any business in that chunk of that particular state, and I happened to come face to face with him. How does that happen exactly? I look up a specialty item online, found a place that manufactures and sells said item, and after making several phone calls and getting "redirected" to this other business, a supplier of theirs, I just happen to come face to face with this guy. I tried to press charges and guess what... I became the target all over again. Even though he was clearly "corrected" by the marine corps on the way out the door for his abuses, I'm the problem. Everything is my fault.
I had to sell my house and move into my RV full time while pursuing a second masters degree because the first suddenly wasn't good enough for any employer. I have a 4.0 right now in one of the most grueling stem programs in the nation, and it's still not good enough. I can only prove so many times that I'm not what these people say I am, that they grossly misinterpreted the symptoms of my disabilities as dangerous and deviant behavior, including now autism, my 4th official disability. (This is called "confirmation bias". Different = danger.) I've been running away from everything related to sex my entire life. I've always been hyposexual to the point where I tried to talk friends out of it as a teen for fear they would get hurt too. But the label I get is 'sex pervert' obsessed with having sex with everything and everyone that crosses my path. Even my vet turned on me at this point and began acting as if I was abusing my 15 year old dog, which she previously claimed was thriving under my care.
I'm consistently labelled as the exact opposite of what I really am, of who I really am. I've never even been arrested, but the label is there, so I'm permanently guilty of what was done to me because people like me are apparently all the same. Now I can't even get the autism specialist I hired several months ago to email me the evaluation results. Once he collected his money, his tune changed completely, and his focus became trying to justify inappropriate diagnoses. (I put in two years with PhD trauma specialist over a decade ago so I know the signs, but that came to and end once I tried to press charges against my father. According to the former detective, she and I were having an inappropriate relationship which explains why she was protecting me, this woman I only ever called "Dr"...) I told him, the autism specialist, about the CSA and the harassment, not anticipating that most people choose to side with power, even when power is wrong. I can't wait to see what he decided to diasnose me with, if it will even be worth the fight. Either way, he's about to get a legal demand for the records and a complaint with the state licensing board for unprofessional behavior. He's given me just enough to make a case. My point though: this is what I'm constantly dealing with. I'm always the bad guy. I'm always the problem. Everything is my fault.
I keep saying that I want to do something about all this, but how do I do this on my own? Everything is stacked against me. I have no one on my side. They all bailed when this marine's name kept coming up a decade ago, long before I understood his involvement. I kept getting told that the proper way to deal with CSA, and everything that resulted, was to not talk about it, because pretending problems don't exist is the solution. Accepting my punishment is the solution. I spent years banging my head against the wall processing the CSA. Now I can't get past everthing that followed. Enough for now.
On a certain trip through a major city over a decade ago, in the middle of the night, I was almost out of gas. I followed my first gps system, a program with a separate antenna loaded on my PDA. It brought me to this really dangerous neighborhood in this city and kept resetting my position, taking me in circles around this neighborhood. Suddenly I see a woman in her mid-20's in a Sunday dress walking down the middle of the street, completely alone. There was a car behind me maybe 100 yards following slowly. I pulled up to her and asked for directions to a gas station. She just stared at me for a moment before giving me the directions. Then she put her hand up and told me to not stop in that neighborhood, adamantly. I found the gas station just as my car ran out of gas. At the pump, where my car died, there was this guy at the other pump looking at me as if I was completely insane for being there. Imagine my surprise last year when I found out that during that year, this marine was the director of whatnot for the marine corps in that particular city. Last year, he tried to maim me at the warehouse he was working in. I didn't even know it was him. It was the only time I had ever patronized any business in that chunk of that particular state, and I happened to come face to face with him. How does that happen exactly? I look up a specialty item online, found a place that manufactures and sells said item, and after making several phone calls and getting "redirected" to this other business, a supplier of theirs, I just happen to come face to face with this guy. I tried to press charges and guess what... I became the target all over again. Even though he was clearly "corrected" by the marine corps on the way out the door for his abuses, I'm the problem. Everything is my fault.
I had to sell my house and move into my RV full time while pursuing a second masters degree because the first suddenly wasn't good enough for any employer. I have a 4.0 right now in one of the most grueling stem programs in the nation, and it's still not good enough. I can only prove so many times that I'm not what these people say I am, that they grossly misinterpreted the symptoms of my disabilities as dangerous and deviant behavior, including now autism, my 4th official disability. (This is called "confirmation bias". Different = danger.) I've been running away from everything related to sex my entire life. I've always been hyposexual to the point where I tried to talk friends out of it as a teen for fear they would get hurt too. But the label I get is 'sex pervert' obsessed with having sex with everything and everyone that crosses my path. Even my vet turned on me at this point and began acting as if I was abusing my 15 year old dog, which she previously claimed was thriving under my care.
I'm consistently labelled as the exact opposite of what I really am, of who I really am. I've never even been arrested, but the label is there, so I'm permanently guilty of what was done to me because people like me are apparently all the same. Now I can't even get the autism specialist I hired several months ago to email me the evaluation results. Once he collected his money, his tune changed completely, and his focus became trying to justify inappropriate diagnoses. (I put in two years with PhD trauma specialist over a decade ago so I know the signs, but that came to and end once I tried to press charges against my father. According to the former detective, she and I were having an inappropriate relationship which explains why she was protecting me, this woman I only ever called "Dr"...) I told him, the autism specialist, about the CSA and the harassment, not anticipating that most people choose to side with power, even when power is wrong. I can't wait to see what he decided to diasnose me with, if it will even be worth the fight. Either way, he's about to get a legal demand for the records and a complaint with the state licensing board for unprofessional behavior. He's given me just enough to make a case. My point though: this is what I'm constantly dealing with. I'm always the bad guy. I'm always the problem. Everything is my fault.
I keep saying that I want to do something about all this, but how do I do this on my own? Everything is stacked against me. I have no one on my side. They all bailed when this marine's name kept coming up a decade ago, long before I understood his involvement. I kept getting told that the proper way to deal with CSA, and everything that resulted, was to not talk about it, because pretending problems don't exist is the solution. Accepting my punishment is the solution. I spent years banging my head against the wall processing the CSA. Now I can't get past everthing that followed. Enough for now.
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