All alone

All alone
K

Kieran1

Registrant
I do feel what was taken from me was special.This abuser who I can call him now,reduced me to a guilty,ashamed boy. Yes,the physical pain,bleeding,and everything else taht happened on that horrible daychanged me in a way I still don't understand.My sister gave me a series of photos that were taken of me that summer. The one that I think was taken of me before school started again shows unsmiling,almost lost looking boy,who almost it seems is very uncomfortable about having his picture taken. I had not taken that photo out till this year. All that summer seems lost in one way.That "man" if I can call him that left me a few parting shots before he left.Are you OK Kieran?,heres some money for school.It was a lot I think $50.00 dollars.Its our secret (I think he called me"buddy".)I wasn't his buddy and I was so scared about someone especially my parents finding out I had it.How was I going to expain this? There's more if you want it,maybe next time he said .My first year at Junior High wasn't good. I started getting into trouble,late for class,smoking,swearing etc.I started bring home soft porno magazines,Playboys and hid them under my mattress. My mom found them and things got worse.It was a rough few years.Not your model "Leave it to Beaver" relationship with my folks.I had linked up with some other guys who were even worse than me.We broke into a garage,got caught. My Dad could not believe what I was doing.We lived in a small town and my Dad knew one of the police officers.I got let off,but I wasn't even grateful.I could tell my mom and dad were going through hell,my sisters thought I was crazy!Then Uncle Will showed up!My Dad still went out with him golfing and fishing,but because he lived quite a distance away he never actually came to our house.I had just turned 15 and whwn he arrived I remember taking off and staying out till almost midnight,when he left. That bastard had come after me again I knew! He kind of drifted away after that,I never saw him again. We still got Christmas cards from him from time to time,but I had cleaned up my act a little and joined the army as soon as they would take me.My Dad died late into his early eighties,and I received a letter when I was overseas that following year that"Uncle Will" had "passed away" as my Mom put it!All these years it has been my secret,hidden away so deep,I could not bring myself to even admit to myself.Now at this stage in my life I am so angry but still ashamed of what happened that summer,I was only 12 years old dammit!!!He took that from me! I wish he was still alive today, I would go up to him and do something I would probably regret!That wouldn't be the way to end it though would it? Like I have heard so many of you guys say to confront my abuser.How?He's dead!! I need your help guys,I have to talk to my partner about this soon and I don't know what to say or do.This is going to be something I have dreaded for so long.Telling it to you guys is one thing,but telling someone you love,is another.What will she do ,how will she react?
 
Kieran.
I kept my dirty secret about my past hidden from everyone from the age of 22to 56. When I decided that if I did not try to deal with my past it would kill me I still kept it from my Wife and Daughter. I told them I was attending an anger clinic at the local hospital when in fact it was a group therapy session. While there another person said the worst thing to happen to him in coming to grips with his past was that his wife left him because she considered him to be damaged goods. That absolutely terrified me. After two years I told them that I was in therapy for being physically abused as a child and sexually and physically as a teenager. They were absolutely supportive of me and I received love and support from them. I did not however tell them of my 3 1/2 years on the street as a male prostitute and as a heroin addict. I was still addicted to the violence and over the years had actually sought it as an addrenilen rush. I believed that this was far worse than the abuse and that I would be alone if they ever found out. This drove me crazy and led to an episode last early spring when I tried to end it by going for a swim in Lake Ontario at midnight. Finally the whole dirty mess came out. They were both very upset with me for not telling them everything. They understood completely what drove me to my lowest as a young man.
All I feel now is a terrible sadness and regret that I did not start a lot sooner in my recovery and include the two most important people in my life from the get go.
I am truly free of the guilt now. I am however still fighting the addiction to the violence. But I am an addictive person. Recovery from heroin and alcohol (AA) and cigarettes.
I hope this helps you in some way.
 
Kieran It is always best to go through the healing with your love ones at your side. You will most likely find great love and support. It took 20 years before I told my wife in May about my SA. She just wants to help me heal and she keeps reminding me when I start to drift back to the old bad habits. The more help the better the healing is. Muldoon
 
Kieran
I read your post and so much of it sounded like my childhood.
I was raped by a gang at school and given 10 ciggaretes to buy my silence - along with the threats of a severe beating. They were cheap bastards !
From there I got into all kinds of trouble, stealing and vandalism. After school I went to college and spent most of the time drinking and doing drugs, I signed up for 6 subjects and got thrown out of 2 and failed the other 4.
I did an engineering apprenticeship for 4 years - failed that - and bulled my way into jobs since then.
And what akes me mad is that I know I'm not stupid.
I can look back now at 49yo and see that they took everything away from me, and that hurts. My ambition was to be a journalist, I repair sewage pumps. But I love being a fitter and have no regrets about what actually happened, however odd that seems. Maybe it's acceptance of who and what I am.

I told my wife, the first person ever, just before out 25th wedding anniversary. And I hadn't got a clue what her reaction would be, I feared she would throw me out.
But she didn't, and it's something that doesn't seem to happen.
They stick with us and support us, and if I'm brutaly honest I would say that if she hadn't then maybe it would have been best for both of us to part. To live with someone who doesn't understand or support could be so much worse.

But the question everyone wants the answer to is "how can we tell what they'll do?"
Who knows ? I didn't that's a fact, well, not conciously anyway. Maybe sub-conciously I did, maybe it's one of the instincts we have ?
Maybe it's the reason I waited 31 years to tell someone ?

Dave
 
So far, today has been a difficult one for me. I am so anxious and upset about disclosing my abuse to my wife,I stayed awake most of the night.I'm sure she knows something is wrong,because when she left for work this morning she asked me what was going on? You were up and in the family room half the night,and your eyes are red as if you have been crying she said.I have a day off today and have to pull myself together if I am going to talk to her tonite. Probably wallow in self-pity and cry all day!
 
Kieran:

I too felt the same way before I finally broke the dam.
Think for a bit though about here. She married you.
Therefore it follows that she saw something in you that you cannot see. I suspect it is your stength, kindness and your love and concern for others. Theses same feelings about yourself were stripped from you by that bastard perpetrator. She will understand believe me. If your wife is like mine she is really in touch with the sensitive side of her being. My wife and daughter were relieved that is what not them, had a far greater understanding of my mood swings and anger throughout my life with them and have been my best supporters since I told them about it. If you think it will help feel free to show her the posts you have received. If you want you can show here my original post. Brother, and I mean that, you are not alone. We are all here with you.
 
Kieran, Mike is right on. Telling your wife will be very freeing for you and will explain so much to your wife. Most men report that their wives were very touched and more loving than ever.

Remember-it happened to you--you could not control it and did not want it. You have nothing to feel shame about. But most of us do feel embarassed, and I know I felt that I was so weak for not fighting off my perp--a guy who could have lifted me up with one arm. I was a young teen--hardly could have fought him off, but I condemn myself for it, or rather I did, for decades. Really DUMB.

Take care brother.

Bob
 
Thanks for the advice. I really to appreciate the help you have given me by relating your story. I will let it all out tonite. I am still scared,but now I realize that we as victims have to do this.Having someone in my corner supporting me will make it a lot easier. I know in my heart that my wife loves me deeply and by telling her, a huge weight will be lifted off my shoulders.I want her to know of my abuse,grieve with me and help me,because I really need it now.The pain of my abuse is so strong,I am still crying but to me that's OK.I need to.I have to go now,but can I just ask if all of you can say a prayer or a thought for me? Thanks so much and I will share with you soon.
 
We're right behind you Kieran
Dave
 
I told my wife last Thursday. She has been really amazing. She holds me when I cry, didn't throw me out, lets me have space if I need to cry alone hasn't pushed for more details than I am capable of sharing yet. She even bought new lingerie and conviced initiated in the bedroom. If I wasn't crying with this crap already I could start. Look I'm conjugating my verbs. I still can't spell though.
 
Mr Edd
I just finished telling you how brave you are on the other topic about visiting your therapist and here you are doing even more brave stuff !!

If you bottle your secret 'Brave Potion' you'll be rich !

Dave :D
 
Kieran1,

I am so sorry for your pain and suffering Kieran1.
To add to what TheDean said,

-"Remember-it happened to you--you could not control it and did not want it."-

I had a whole LOT of shame connected to the 'wanting'...Some of it felt good, and I HATED myself for it. I was so, so mad about what I had remembered I had done. Lord, how I prayed. Prayed for his death and mine. Prayed for it to stop. The memmories of a lost childhood. The terror. Frightened beyound comprehension. Yet attracted to "it". I felt I deserved "it" after a while. That he was right. That this was my fate.

-"You have nothing to feel shame about."-

That is the truth. The sin lies with the PERP.
Yet, it IS Normal to Feel Shame, embarresed, confused, and lots more.

Even if you Felt you had some control at the time, you actually did NOT. The PERP was "All Controlling".

Even if some of 'it' felt good, he was manipulating you with a Spinal Reflex Responce.

Even if you felt you cooperated with him, or allowed it to happen or didn't stop it, He was in Control & using your own ignorance, naivaty, youth and lack of understanding against you. He was FULLY aware this this. He was Fully aware that his actions were inappropriate.

Kieran1, you are the victim of the most horrible of all monsters. The most powerful of all monsters. No alien or creature of Hollywood can hold a candle to this monster. Cause it's REAL.

The one weapon you have that realy works against it, is your voice. Talking about it here, to a therapist, to your partner, and perhaps one day to others, is powerful. The monsters greatest tool against us, is our silence. Then, as well as now. Break the silence, speak our turths, let the secretes out.

Blacken...
 
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