This Boy is Lost… and it’s been killing me for 53 years…

[Resurgam]

Thank you.

 

[deedeeiny60]

Mo having been away from MS for 18 months today I read this post. All your sentences were of deep value at least for me. I found myself in every instance you described. Different types of abuse maybe but with same results. But at the end trying to read the end through my tears I found hope, integration and fulfilment of my journey. Thanks for such a beautiful post.
PEACE,!

 

[MO-Survivor]

Thank you.

YW

 

[MO-Survivor]

Mo having been away from MS for 18 months today I read this post. All your sentences were of deep value at least for me. I found myself in every instance you described. Different types of abuse maybe but with same results. But at the end trying to read the end through my tears I found hope, integration and fulfilment of my journey. Thanks for such a beautiful post.
PEACE,!

Thanks @deedeeiny60.

It's been interesting the last couple of months. To resurrect that "before-boy," or to grieve him alongside the teenager in me....

I've had my wife and my T both say, "But I don't want that boy to be gone." "Yeah - but that boy can still live in you." Kind of confused me - because I 100% want that boy back - to be resurrected! And the young parts of me who refuse to give up - they latch onto statements like that and I'm back into trying to avoid the grief and loss. It's why adult (dad to them) me knows we have to do something to bring closure to the idea that the "before-boy" can be rescued and revived. That is such a hard message to tell to myself. It's why I am going to have a "funeral" for him and for them. I decided instead of a eulogy, I need to write something to that 8 yo me and that 13 yo me. And...

My T asked me last week, "So... I understand now. I get this better now - and yes, it does sound important to have that finality and closure for yourself about the 'before-boy.' But... what about the 'after-boy?' What about that 3 yo boy?" Dude... I started crying and told her I really hadn't thought about that, but it makes me so fucking sad to think about him. I immediately picture that "after boy" in that hotel room after he was violated by a stranger - sexually assaulted with SO much confusion and anger and sadness. I just picture him in that room, alone, in shock - and never the same. So, of course it makes me cry. I told her I also immediately think of 8 yo me - he carried all of that sadness inside. And talking to him about that 3 yo "after-boy" makes him just cry and cry.

Anyway, yes. There is hope! There is fulfillment. But for me... I have to get through this - the shittiest part of this journey of all. I have been so grief-averse and loss-averse my whole fucking life. And I finally understand why - fully. It doesn't fix it, but it is another step forward. And that's all we can do - one step forward at a time.

Thanks again for your comment.

 

[Induna]

My T asked me last week, "So... I understand now. I get this better now - and yes, it does sound important to have that finality and closure for yourself about the 'before-boy.' But... what about the 'after-boy?' What about that 3 yo boy?" Dude... I started crying and told her I really hadn't thought about that, but it makes me so fucking sad to think about him. I immediately picture that "after boy" in that hotel room after he was violated by a stranger - sexually assaulted with SO much confusion and anger and sadness. I just picture him in that room, alone, in shock - and never the same. So, of course it makes me cry. I told her I also immediately think of 8 yo me - he carried all of that sadness inside. And talking to him about that 3 yo "after-boy" makes him just cry and cry.

It’s very hard for others to understand how agonizing it is to try and hold these different “stages” of ourselves together. We cannot fix it. We cannot return to the boys we were. It isn’t just memory or fear or pain or self-comfort. We died. Part of us just died and death, at least in this world, is forever.

This is very painful to write about, but I guess that’s the only way forward. Look at what was lost, feel it, know it, accept that that boy is gone…and try to love the men we’ve become, value our struggles and the courage it takes to face it, even though it sure as hell doesn’t feel like courage. We were born the moment our boys died, and we are beautiful, too. I pray so at any rate.

 

[Georgie]

Writing or talking about our abuse can be painful, but it can lead to a solution. It's like getting an injection of an antibiotic. The arm may be sore for a while, but it can cure the infection.

 

[MO-Survivor]

It’s very hard for others to understand how agonizing it is to try and hold these different “stages” of ourselves together. We cannot fix it. We cannot return to the boys we were. It isn’t just memory or fear or pain or self-comfort. We died. Part of us just died and death, at least in this world, is forever.

This is very painful to write about, but I guess that’s the only way forward. Look at what was lost, feel it, know it, accept that that boy is gone…and try to love the men we’ve become, value our struggles and the courage it takes to face it, even though it sure as hell doesn’t feel like courage. We were born the moment our boys died, and we are beautiful, too. I pray so at any rate.

Dude - something about how you write and talk to me. It always resonates. Thank you. You are right - we are beautiful too We have other strengths and qualities like perseverance that our before-boy might not have had if not for what we went through.

Writing or talking about our abuse can be painful, but it can lead to a solution. It's like getting an injection of an antibiotic. The arm may be sore for a while, but it can cure the infection.

Grieving is definitely like this. If we keep it in and never grieve, we will end up with a host of issues - physical, emotional, mental. It needs to come out.

 

[Silly]

We cannot return to the boys we were. It isn’t just memory or fear or pain or self-comfort. We died. Part of us just died and death, at least in this world, is forever.

@Induna - a hard truth, but I think for the most part you are correct, but I say "for the most part" because my before-boy resides in my memory and dreams. As bad as things were in my youth, there were good things too, and those I choose to hold onto.

 

[Induna]

@Induna - a hard truth, but I think for the most part you are correct, but I say "for the most part" because my before-boy resides in my memory and dreams. As bad as things were in my youth, there were good things too, and those I choose to hold onto.

Yes. Mine kept treasures that he could only give me when I finally had the courage to feel again what I buried and open my heart to him. I never realized how lost I had been without what he knew and I had turned my back on.