I Thought I Knew What Happened…(Possible Triggers)
It’s taken me a year but today I’m ready to post. I am a 65 year old male. Just before Covid’s lockdowns hit in Mar 2020, I was struggling sexually from looking at some grand jury reports for priest sex abuse. While I wasn’t abused by a priest, I was abused at 8 by a 14 year old boy. The abuse went on over a 9 month period. All these years I thought I knew what had happened. But in trying to write my story last year, I realized that I just remembered three incidents. In two of those I was bent over for an hour in his attempt at penetration. In the third time, I was able to hold off giving oral sex (which he wanted me to do.) I’ve been seeing a therapist for a year and have come to realize there were other times that my mind has disassociated from my memory. Knowing this boy’s sexual determination, I’m sure he got me to give him
oral sex on numerous occasions. The reason I believe this is that when I was 9, I was alone with my brother (just this once), and we were fondling each other. My brother was 14 and had a huge erection. Suddenly as if I was following a learned behavior, I took him
into my mouth. My brother freaked out and that ended quickly. But why would I do that if I hadn’t done it before? I must say the feeling of my brother filling my mouth did not seem unfamiliar. In my 20’s to late 40’s, I was in a gambling addiction. I started meeting mostly older, married men and started providing them mainly with oral sex (but twice something else.) Again why would I do this as I am a heterosexual male? I now believe I was doing it as it was a learned behavior when I was eight. It became part of my erotic template. I have now been married for 17 years and have not been with another man since 2001. But I am now struggling with thoughts and urges to give another man oral sex. I am fantasizing a lot about this lately. My wife knows it and things are very strained right now. I know if I do something stupid for a few minutes that it will be the end of a great marriage. But I am struggling mightily and hope to hear some wisdom from you all that can help me-Thanks!
oral sex on numerous occasions. The reason I believe this is that when I was 9, I was alone with my brother (just this once), and we were fondling each other. My brother was 14 and had a huge erection. Suddenly as if I was following a learned behavior, I took him
into my mouth. My brother freaked out and that ended quickly. But why would I do that if I hadn’t done it before? I must say the feeling of my brother filling my mouth did not seem unfamiliar. In my 20’s to late 40’s, I was in a gambling addiction. I started meeting mostly older, married men and started providing them mainly with oral sex (but twice something else.) Again why would I do this as I am a heterosexual male? I now believe I was doing it as it was a learned behavior when I was eight. It became part of my erotic template. I have now been married for 17 years and have not been with another man since 2001. But I am now struggling with thoughts and urges to give another man oral sex. I am fantasizing a lot about this lately. My wife knows it and things are very strained right now. I know if I do something stupid for a few minutes that it will be the end of a great marriage. But I am struggling mightily and hope to hear some wisdom from you all that can help me-Thanks!
