Wife struggling with the secrets, the lies, the lonliness!

Wife struggling with the secrets, the lies, the lonliness!
H

HAF

Registrant
Been married for over 15 years. Two children. I was always conscious my husband was not open and honest about everything. From the early days, I suspected porn was an issue but he insisted it was my imagination. I love my husband. He is is wonderful in general but there has always been this faint sense of darkness and lies that I couldn't put my finger on. I chose to focus all of his positives and push the hestitant feelings to the side.

Many years later, his emotional negativity increased, he showed no intimate connection (unless I initiated) and the sense of secracy increased. At one point I remember fearing he was interested in children (heartbreaking and confusing thoughts that I would beat myself up for having). Any time I carefully tried to raise concerns he would bring up all my faults, or tell me I was imagining it or overreacting or make out that I was calling him the worst person in the world. I would do some self reflection, try other approaches and tell myself he just can't deal with his emotions ... he struggles.

About a year ago, I explained I had had enough... he either needed to tell me what was going on or I was leaving. It turned out he was lying about our finances and he was using male porn sites... lots of them, most days and in male forums and live rooms (so for years and years!). He explained he felt a lot of shame. Believes he is not gay.

As I tried to process all of this, we talked more and it turns out he was sexually assaulted as a teenager (he hadnt connected any of his behaviours to the abuse himself but I did research and found resources, books, this forum and others).

A year later, and what I feared would happen has... I have tried to manage feelings of betrayal etc. and I tried to be supportive of him at the same time... however... I feel like I am again solely responsible for saving our marriage. Nothing has changed ... I feel the lies are back, he has not sought support and did look into the resource and support groups at the time but more recently stated he doesnt think he needs therapy or anything like that. His short snappy fuse is as bad as ever. I feel like ive been carrying the emotional well being for all of us for so long, I just cant do it any more. It breaks my break, but I cant see any other way forward other than to remove (protect) my emotional well being by stepping away. Any thoughts or advice or other wives of male survivors out there that can relate?
 
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Hello, HAF - I can relate to much of what you are going through. My husband has also made some really, really bad decisions and has put himself -- and me - and frankly, his adult children because if and when they ever find out about the truth depth of his deceit, lies, behaviors, cheating, etc., they will be crushed and the thought of that is just heartbreaking to me. I hope it never happens. I've tried to let go of thinking I can possibly control any of that because I cannot. I have to just hope for the best. It's very difficult.

Also, I unfortunately know what it feels like to be in a situation where you are the victim of gaslighting and narcissism - i.e., the comments that you are imagining everything, being too sensitive, turning it back on you, etc. - it's not cool. It's a coping mechanism for them because your pain is too much on top of his pain and angst and shame he already feels. It's really very sad. I have had to create and protect boundaries for myself in this regard and like everything else on this journey, it's a work in progress. I am finally learning to speak up for myself and to stand up for myself and not backing down for it or apologizing. I am learning to demand respect.

At least for me and my husband, the effort is still worth it. We still want our marriage and our life and therefore I'm willing to put in the work to protect him (as best I can), protect me, protect us and protect our family.

Anyway, I'm happy to chat so please feel free to reach out. I can't tell you what to do or not to do, of course, but I can remind you that no matter what, you are enough. You are enough.

Sending hugs,
L4G
 
L4G,
Thank you so much for reading and replying. Im both sorry and grateful that you and your husband have a similar story. You sound very strong and its positive to read that there are others as well as the boundary setting. I have never apologised and was always aware his responses were defense mechanism but I think this perspective has always given me hope that change was possible.

Finding out about the CSA gave me more hope again that there was a more positive way forward but it only just dawned on me (after his recent, very minor but painful lies) that I cant be his therapist and I cant keep supporting him when he doesn't recognise that he even needs support. This has hit me hard. I guess previously it was hurt and pain but with hope ... so now its just pain.

Our children are young and his emotional snappy responses impact them, I manage this day by day, week by week and talk the children through how we all respond to stress and its nothing they did in the moment - and that he loves them etc. and they would be devastated if we were to separate. But more so, how will I be able to support them if we were to see or have the children at different times. So much to figure out.

I may indeed reach out. Thank you for sharing your story. It has me feel less alone and a bit less numb. Much much appreciated.
 
Sometimes people are just not ready to be confronted. It may take time. No one wants to be ‘drawn out’ and if one does it persistently and in a confrontational way the other party would actually prefer that the one probing just go away so they can get away from being confronted with something they aren’t ready to deal with. Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot and you weren’t ready.
 
Thanks @Hsqmyp I agree. The part I am struggling with is the realisation that I dont think there ever will be a time he is 'ready'. And the heartbreak that is coming with this realisation. I guess it goes back to what L4G and others have said about setting boundaries, him not being ready shouldnt mean I need to continue to carry the lies, the pain, the shouting, the fault finding in my action and every part of my personality on his bad days, and the kids upset. Tears fill my eyes as I type - he isnt ready or able, and may never be and me leaving him (to find some emotional securiry of my own) will break his heart even more than it breaks mine. 💔
 
The core of my response is that it may take time. Most people don’t like to be confronted about sensitive issues, but I can’t think of an issue that could possibly be more sensitive than this.

I know that my response would be if someone confronted me about something very sensitive. I would absolutely run away from it immediately.

This isn’t really about you, even though the effect of it is hitting you. Probably the best thing that could be done is to have some third-party convince him to go into therapy alone, not couples therapy until he’s ready.

There may not be a solution as immediate as you want it to be.
 
Thanks @Hsqmyp. I hear what you are saying and appreciate your insights. Such a shame the world cant protect everyone from abuse in the first place.
 
@HAF - I just want to second what @Hsqmyp stated insofar as no immediate solution. In fact, it's never actually "resolved" in the truest sense of the word. This battle is lifelong and will always exist in some form or another. Therapy may help, for sure, but all of this takes precious time. And patience. Lots and lots of grace, patience and understanding.

I think it's fair to say that therapy is tricky, too. There is no one size fits all, unfortunately. I think that the therapists did more harm than good for my husband, to be perfectly honest. He needs someone who can help him help the little boy that was raped as a 6 year old and help him to feel loved and safe again. Hey needle, meet haystack. Sigh.

So, yes, you have to preserve your energy and make sure that you set boundaries and basically, do what brings you joy. You can love and support, give grace, patience and understanding, etc., while also choosing joy for yourself and your kiddos. I get that this is easier said than done, of course.

Sending love.
L4G
 
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