Violence

[philistine]

I don't post often, but I wanted to ask a question.

How often is violence offered to you (I just got hit in the face by a tweaker, so it is up close and personal at the moment)?
This has been my first foray into the world where making sure someone is okay, resulted in violence.
It was just a jab to the nose (he had leaves and wanted me to be up close and personal with).
It was a shock, but a lot less than what could have happened, so I am a little ummm... overwrought(if that is the correct word it), lots of adrenaline,

Not saying enough, but, the situation was drug related rather then an incident of bias.
I'm, at the moment, quite calm and ok. I really wish that someone would, umm... take the person inhand and show him the error of his ways.
In the en d, I'm just trying to shake off an upsetting experience,

 

[Avery46]

(((((Mike)))))

I have experienced violence. But at this moment am concerned for you and how your processing it.

Shake the trauma out. Stand still and then let your body shake more and more. You might calm now but a storm might be brewing.

Now for my honest reaction - OMG - are you ok? Drugs? We need to talk I feel but, I will leave that up to you at this moment.

Your my friend. Your a good man.

Donnie

 

[philistine]

I'm fine, it was more funny than painful.
I went out last night, had several drinks and random guy on the street was really angry and throwing handfuls of leaves around.
When I asked if he was okay, he shoved the leaves in my face.
The leaves were dirty and just pretty nasty, but that was the extent of any injury.

 

[Avery46]

Mike,

Good to hear. I was getting ready to get my "whoop axx" out though - lol.

Your friend,
Donnie

 

[prisonerID]

Mike,

It is understandable why you were shook up some by this incident. Not too long ago I was in a Borders book store talking with a guy who works there. Out of nowhere comes this street guy who bursts in and begins asking me for money. When I politely refused he kept on until finally he began ranting and raving and threatening me. He was told to leave but just a bit later he came back and started it all over again but got right up in my face raising his fist towards me and cursing me with all kinds of choice words. They had him removed again but it got my adrenalin running. I was never physically struck but it still charged me.

One time previously when leaving a club I was grabbed by another street guy who was hustling. He kept offering sex for money (so he could buy drugs). That was a triggering deal and I did react pretty strongly to it but also on the inside I felt like I did at 29 and froze a bit. But got away from him - I was never in any real danger. There were others leaving the club as well.

Sorry you were treated like that, Mike. Glad you saw it had nothing to do with you and just his own insanity.


Daryl

 

[Moortje]

Best wishes to you Mike, and sorry you endured what you did.

As for me, I have been fortunate in that I have never been physically assaulted by anyone other than my abuser.

For the past year, I have been dating a very large man (he's into strength-training and bodybuilding and adding as much muscle as possible, etc), and this brings its own set of anxieties for me. He has never raised a finger to intentionally hurt me, though we have had 'accidents' where he's overestimated his strength (or underestimated my weakness, lol); such as him accidentally slamming me into a doorway as we both playfully raced through it, etc. that left a bad bruise on my shoulder and face) He is 30 years old, and through his teenage years up until around he was my age (24), he suffered from severe anger issues; he used to punch holes in the walls of his room at his parents' house and get into street fights, among other things. It was around that time that he found a way to channel that aggression into punching bags and lifting weights, and it transformed him into a much more calm, happy, balanced, even cautious and soft-spoken person. He has been that way ever since.

He is one of the most calm, gentle, zen-like people I have the fortune of loving. However, he is a manager at an incredibly stressful retail job (especially this time of the year) and that can get his tempter flaring at times. Again, while he has always bent over backwards to never show me a sign of that anger (he knows how sensitive I am to violent behavior and even violent attitudes), he does get filled with anger he needs to vent. So far the punching bag seems to work wonders, and considering that he's been using this system for the 5+ years since he met me, I suspect that it's an effective outlet for him.

But fear, and violence, is a debilitating fear for me, whether it's in a relationship or with a friend or just a random person. I really shy away from conflict out of a deep, intense fear of getting 'hurt', and the hurt that would inflict psychologically as well.

 

[diamondheart]

Confrontation in general is a fear of mine. Especially when it comes to someone with anger issues...

I recently realized that in many situations in my life, I have been crippled when it came to standing up for myself. I just lay there and wait for it to go away, like I did with the CSA...

My last relationship I found myself again walking on eggs shells, afraid what my ex would do if he got too angry? I knew going into the relationship of his anger issues but thought I would never do anything to warrant getting hit. This was until one Thanksgiving he almost stabbed me with a fork because of how I responded to him thinking he got a virus on my laptop. I wasn't mean or angry with him and look how he responded. After that, I realized it wouldn't always take much to set him off...

I stayed with him out of fear and codependency. I felt like there wasn't anything better... I had learned with my perp that this was what love was about.

Thankfully he never hit me but I got out... As much as I loved him, I couldn't risk getting harmed. It wasn't until this past summer when he tried to hit me in the head with this huge stick, that I realized I had to leave. A person can only take so much abuse before they burst, just like air in a balloon. He had threatened me with physical violence enough one too many times...

I can also remember getting myself into sexual situations where I felt like I did with the CSA, where I didn't have a voice to stop it... or where I felt like I had to let it happen... Recently with my ex, we got into this situation with another couple where the one guy was touching and making advances with my ex. I felt powerless to stop it and too afraid to confront the guy. So I just let it happen and they ended up having sex... right in front of me... and I couldn't stop it...

 

[philistine]

Looking back at this I can actually see that I was trying to talk about 2 threads.
1. Violence and reactions to it.

2. Does the level of fear that I live with constantly, desensitize me to times that fear is a good and reasonable reaction?

Any thoughts on either?

 

[prisonerID]

Mike,

I went from an extreme reaction after my assault of being so hyper about every movement and every person around me. I still cannot bring myself to walk by a van. One was not involved in my kidnapping and yet I see them as nothing but something to be tied up in and disappear within.

At some point I became numb to fear and very reckless. I put myself in dangerous situations a lot of the time. I also would not see that fear was a good reaction to what was going on around me. I think desensitize is the right word for it. As long as I was not raped again I did not really care if anything else happened to me. I feared that happening every day for many years but feared nothing else.

We nee a level of general fear at times to act as our alarm in many situations. For me everything else was minor and of no consequence after the rapes.

You bring up a good point.


Daryl

 

[philistine]

So it isn't just me?

 

[Avery46]

So it isn't just me?

No it isn't just you. I have been assaulted and blamed myself immediately and irresponsibly - NOT saying you did.

Deep breath....

Donnie