Trauma when drugged ***TRIGGERS***

[i-m-Bri]

***TRIGGERS***
When I was kidnapped, I was sedated. At one point, I came to and discovered I was tied to the bed. At the time it was just a fact I noticed before they asphyxiated me again.

Fifty years on, I am having waves of feelings of sadness, terror, and loneliness. I don’t know if I am feeling them for the boy I was. Or are his feelings emerging? Or both. I'm not functioning all too well. But I am taking care of myself.

My question is, can we be traumatized when drugged? If so, how do we deal? Emotions are fluid enough when sober, but drugged they are so hazy.

 

[Induna]

My question is, can we be traumatized when drugged? If so, how do we deal? Emotions are fluid enough when sober, but drugged they are so hazy.

I imagine so.

Memory is always odd. It is very likely that these feelings are in some way connected to something that is going on in your life now. It could be something you did, a person, a relationship that's new or changed, or it could be something internal like a memory or a new attitude or a new resolve you've discovered. If you were sedated it is unlikely you will be able to recall everything, but the feelings are real and you can let them out and see what they have to tell you. You don't need to act on them or even use them to draw conclusions about what "really" happened, just see where they take you knowing they come from long ago and that you are safe and OK now in the present. At least that's what I try to do with strong emotions I "come upon me".

 

[leith70613]

***TRIGGERS***
When I was kidnapped, I was sedated. At one point, I came to and discovered I was tied to the bed. At the time it was just a fact I noticed before they asphyxiated me again.

Fifty years on, I am having waves of feelings of sadness, terror, and loneliness. I don’t know if I am feeling them for the boy I was. Or are his feelings emerging? Or both. I'm not functioning all too well. But I am taking care of myself.

My question is, can we be traumatized when drugged? If so, how do we deal? Emotions are fluid enough when sober, but drugged they are so hazy.

Hello brother @i-m-Bri, i hope you're okay,

I'm so sorry for what you went through. I want to let you know that it's completely valid to be experiencing these waves of sadness, terror, and loneliness even decades later. Trauma can deeply affect us, even when we're not fully conscious during the event.

When I was a sex worker, I experienced assaults while heavily intoxicated. Although I wasn't fully sedated like you, the intense drug use blurred my memories and made everything feel like a fog. Even so, my body and mind still processed the trauma, leading to profound emotional reactions later on.

You asked whether we can be traumatized when drugged. The answer is yes. Our brains can register traumatic events even if we're not fully aware at the time. This means that the emotions and sensations you’re feeling now could very well be the result of the trauma you endured while sedated.

Regarding whether these feelings belong to the boy you were or are emerging now, it's likely a mix of both. Trauma has a way of resurfacing, and the emotions you didn't fully process at the time can come back later in life. It's like your younger self is reaching out, needing to be heard and healed.

I can relate to the confusion and haze surrounding those traumatic memories. In my experience, the feelings of helplessness and fear would emerge long after the event, sometimes triggered by seemingly unrelated things. It’s a reminder that our minds and bodies hold onto these experiences, even if we weren't fully conscious at the time.

Finding a therapist who gets trauma can really make a difference. It's awesome to know that you're taking care of yourself, Keep up with grounding stuff like deep breathing, maybe try yoga or just taking walks if you don't already do. Connecting with supportive people and jotting down your thoughts in a journal can also be really comforting.

 

[.aseity]

my T says to me that the parts of me live in the trauma world. getting close to those parts takes me back into the trauma world. the goal is to bring those parts up to the present. as Induna explains, where we are safe and OK. ..the isolated memories of your abuse are a frozen zone, it's harsh and nut much can survive there.

 

[i-m-Bri]

@Induna and @leith70613 I should have mentioned that I’m not surprised this is coming up. I recently discovered a documentary with the kidnapper in it. Seeing and hearing him has been a mixed bag. It's mostly reassuring but also not surprisingly triggering. As I always say, triggers are an opportunity. I am seeking a therapist to work through what’s been woken up.

@.aseity In a way, I see going through these feelings is a gift. Adult me is very present and compassionate. I am with the 15-year-old me as a companion. I am with him to witness what he feels. And nurture him. Here today, we are both safe.

I am functioning well enough, hitting my daily routine, and staying on top of work. Tonight is the first night in eight days I have not been socializing! But it’s all tainted with this sadness, and that’s OK.

---

It's kind of crazy, but I feel fortunate to feel these things regardless of where they come from. And more to the point, I feel fortunate to have so many people like you guys to share it with, and he heard and understood. We all had to deal with our stuff alone when it happened and afterward. This seems like a chance to give my kid the support he needed.
Thank you!

 

[Induna]

It's kind of crazy, but I feel fortunate to feel these things regardless of where they come from. And more to the point, I feel fortunate to have so many people like you guys to share it with, and he heard and understood. We all had to deal with our stuff alone when it happened and afterward. This seems like a chance to give my kid the support he needed.

 

[i-m-Bri]

It’s astonishing, things I’ve recalled a billion times suddenly have feelings attached to them.
I am grateful
And terrified.

 

[Induna]

It’s astonishing, things I’ve recalled a billion times suddenly have feelings attached to them.
I am grateful
And terrified.

I hear you. I know just what you mean. I, too, have opened a new door. One I feared for decades would end me, but I am still here. Feelings I have denied myself are returning. I am afraid but I accept that the fear originates in my past self and I have faith that the man I am now can come out the other side

 

[i-m-Bri]

I hear you. I know just what you mean. I, too, have opened a new door. One I feared for decades would end me, but I am still here. Feelings I have denied myself are returning. I am afraid but I accept that the fear originates in my past self and I have faith that the man I am now can come out the other side

You will come out the other end, maybe a bit wiser, a bit better, or just survive recalling them. There's no judgement of what happens to us when we are in those ancient feelings.

 

[i-m-Bri]

***TRIGGERS***
I’m saying I am feeling things I never have before.
But what is it I am feeling while I remember being tied to his bed?
Fear.
Under-the-drugs fear.
A terror that can’t tremble.
It roams around, lost, no where to go.
The drugs neuter it, but can't really kill it.
It's left to lurk deep inside me.

What a fucking sick thing to do to a boy’s psyche.

 

[Induna]

What a fucking sick thing to do to a boy’s psyche

Absolutely terrible. I am sorry you went through that. You are better and stronger than he ever was.

 

[i-m-Bri]

Absolutely terrible. I am sorry you went through that. You are better and stronger than he ever was.

For decades, I believed I was a vessel containing the darkness they taught me, and I had a choice to unleash it or withhold it from the world. I know now only part of that is true. Yes, they taught me vile. It's a scar on my psyche, their footprint. But I didn't capture it. I am not protecting the world from it. I don't have a noble cause to keep it from escaping. That just isn't in my character.
Thank you @Induna

 

[.aseity]

Fear.
Under-the-drugs fear.
A terror that can’t tremble.
It roams around, lost, no where to go.
The drugs neuter it, but can't really kill it.
It's left to lurk deep inside me.

me as well. makes me wonder. how much of this insanity is possibly in the blueprints.

 

[i-m-Bri]

how much of this insanity is possibly in the blueprints.

Do you mean now permanently hardwired into us?
I want to think not.
But maybe the best we can do is override that circuitry.
???

 

[.aseity]

i mean that if it were to happen to anyone
being restrained either physically or chemically is maybe impossible to fully comprehend for someone who hasn't been. even frozen in fear or inescapable torment. it does something to a person. (obviously) .. sorry i am not articulating myself very well.

 

[i-m-Bri]

I’m the one who’s not gonna make sense, but it’s almost like our bodies betrayed us. I know it was the drugs. But in the moment all we I knew is I couldn’t move…and I needed to.

 

[Induna]

The feeling that "our bodies have betrayed us" is one many of us share . I came to think of my own body as "enemy territory".

 

[.aseity]

in a way i am thankful the drugs had a sedative effect. that experience of paralysis is horrific. i imagine for anyone unable to use their body from the waist down or neck down is like being trapped in a prison. many such people such as darren are very inspiring people because he refused to let that crush him. i do not doubt he hurt and struggled.

 

[i-m-Bri]

The feeling that "our bodies have betrayed us" is one many of us share . I came to think of my own body as "enemy territory".

One of the worst aspects of abuse is how they delight in turning us against ourselves. It's sadistic.

 

[i-m-Bri]

in a way i am thankful the drugs had a sedative effect. that experience of paralysis is horrific. i imagine for anyone unable to use their body from the waist down or neck down is like being trapped in a prison. many such people such as darren are very inspiring people because he refused to let that crush him. i do not doubt he hurt and struggled.

I can't imagine the hell daily.

The drug used to paralyze me didn’t have a sedative quality. But the booze it was in went right to my head (I barely ate anything for four days). The terror and pain flushed the little bit of alcohol out of my system really quickly. But it was replaced with shock.