Some more Stuff **Im not sure if it will be triggering**
Sportbilly
Registrant
I posted a post a couple of weeks ago. And I have received some very encouraging emails and feedback. It is so hard for me to accept the encouragement as I feel so deeply ashamed of myself that I do not feel I deserve it. The feeling of shame and disgust can get overwhelming.
What started this journey ( I tried to take this journey several times but I was always too scared ) was that I got diagnosed with cancer. October 1st 2020. Cancer of the appendix! Who the fuck has cancer in their appendix!??? Well....fuck....ME!!!!!! Stage 4, none-the-less! 3 surgeries later a chemo wash and several rounds of chemo left me with feeling: "maybe I deserved it! I am rotting from the inside. I knew I was a bad person. It is my fault, just like ALL the other times." The days I had chemo gave me such bad flashbacks....flashbacks that I have never had before. Were they flashbacks of real events or made up ones. Because if they were real then this sexual abuse bullshit just got more.
My disgust in this is not only that it happened to me but also that it happened so many times with different people. That I allowed it to happen. I know people say its not your fault, you did not allow it...then why the fuck did it happen? I just realised that I was abused by a group of senior boys 17-18 years old, at my boarding school. ( I said before I was in many schools and went to boarding school on scholarship when I was 12--South Africa school system only has a primary school and high school. High school usually starts at age 14 but I skipped a grade and my bd is late in the year) I was painfully shy at school. Scared people will "know" that I was abused. I would avoid the communal showers like the plague (luckily I excelled at sport so I used to train at a club most nights so I was able to avoid the showers). But at least once a week one of the boys would make their "rounds". I was one of 6 freshmen and my punishment was that I was paraded naked in the hall ( being 12-I was the only one with no pubes!). Another boy would routinely slap me in my face with his penis.
Another memory that has recently come to light is when I was a 15--just after my dad started making me do stuff I went to see a therapist. I was an A student all my life and suddenly I was flunking out of school. A few sessions into the therapy with me never really saying anything the therapist asked me one day if I masturbated--I felt embarrassed and said no. He said its perfectly normal and he would like to show me how to...he got his dick out. I didnt know what to do. I got up and just left. He phoned my parents up and told them he think I was queer and that I made a pass at him. That night my dad fucked me.
My first "longterm" partner in the UK was not a very nice man. I had a nightmare once and wet the bed. He kicked me out (with his feet) of the bed. I told him I thought my grandfather abused me and he replied I properly deserved it and that I am a fucking whore.
Not until I read some other people's post did I realised that my abuse extended far beyond the rape by my grandfather and teacher.
It has left me feeling very empty and extremely sad in my heart.
I am sorry for this post and I am sorry it has not much significance. sorry
What started this journey ( I tried to take this journey several times but I was always too scared ) was that I got diagnosed with cancer. October 1st 2020. Cancer of the appendix! Who the fuck has cancer in their appendix!??? Well....fuck....ME!!!!!! Stage 4, none-the-less! 3 surgeries later a chemo wash and several rounds of chemo left me with feeling: "maybe I deserved it! I am rotting from the inside. I knew I was a bad person. It is my fault, just like ALL the other times." The days I had chemo gave me such bad flashbacks....flashbacks that I have never had before. Were they flashbacks of real events or made up ones. Because if they were real then this sexual abuse bullshit just got more.
My disgust in this is not only that it happened to me but also that it happened so many times with different people. That I allowed it to happen. I know people say its not your fault, you did not allow it...then why the fuck did it happen? I just realised that I was abused by a group of senior boys 17-18 years old, at my boarding school. ( I said before I was in many schools and went to boarding school on scholarship when I was 12--South Africa school system only has a primary school and high school. High school usually starts at age 14 but I skipped a grade and my bd is late in the year) I was painfully shy at school. Scared people will "know" that I was abused. I would avoid the communal showers like the plague (luckily I excelled at sport so I used to train at a club most nights so I was able to avoid the showers). But at least once a week one of the boys would make their "rounds". I was one of 6 freshmen and my punishment was that I was paraded naked in the hall ( being 12-I was the only one with no pubes!). Another boy would routinely slap me in my face with his penis.
Another memory that has recently come to light is when I was a 15--just after my dad started making me do stuff I went to see a therapist. I was an A student all my life and suddenly I was flunking out of school. A few sessions into the therapy with me never really saying anything the therapist asked me one day if I masturbated--I felt embarrassed and said no. He said its perfectly normal and he would like to show me how to...he got his dick out. I didnt know what to do. I got up and just left. He phoned my parents up and told them he think I was queer and that I made a pass at him. That night my dad fucked me.
My first "longterm" partner in the UK was not a very nice man. I had a nightmare once and wet the bed. He kicked me out (with his feet) of the bed. I told him I thought my grandfather abused me and he replied I properly deserved it and that I am a fucking whore.
Not until I read some other people's post did I realised that my abuse extended far beyond the rape by my grandfather and teacher.
It has left me feeling very empty and extremely sad in my heart.
I am sorry for this post and I am sorry it has not much significance. sorry
