Selecting sexual partners in my adulthood

[dcwofhs90]

Since joining this website, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I realized something. I tend to gravitate toward men who are physically larger and stronger than me. Ever since my abuse (age 11-16), I’ve always been extremely submissive. I like the feeling of someone else being in control of me. Unlike most survivors, I enjoyed every single moment with my abuser…I always went to him for more and more and more. Hundreds of times, actually. I don’t have ill feelings, no PTSD, nothing like that. I do have some guilt, but I only feel guilty because I enjoyed it so much. I absolutely believe that I was introduced to sexual activity before I was mentally ready, and it caused me to be hypersexual ever since. I’m here to try to understand it and how it affected my life. Does anyone else seek out partners who are larger than yourself, I guess as a way to reenact your abuse?

 

[TheNewMason]

This might be terrible advice, but don't over think it. You like who you like. And that's okay. Guys with zero history of abuse might want guys who are larger to dominate them. There's nothing wrong with that. Our abuse is just part of our sexual history. You are going to have feelings and memories towards it and sure, might even want to revisit it.

Here's the thing. If you are an adult with another consenting adult, and you are liking this hunk of a man you are with, who cares why you are attracted to him. Enjoy the time with him.

 

[dcwofhs90]

This might be terrible advice, but don't over think it. You like who you like. And that's okay. Guys with zero history of abuse might want guys who are larger to dominate them. There's nothing wrong with that. Our abuse is just part of our sexual history. You are going to have feelings and memories towards it and sure, might even want to revisit it.

Here's the thing. If you are an adult with another consenting adult, and you are liking this hunk of a man you are with, who cares why you are attracted to him. Enjoy the time with him.

I don’t feel like I’m overthinking it…really just trying to make sense of it all, now that I’ve begun talking about it. But I hear you, and I appreciate your input, I really do.

 

[mavericka]

My abuse began at 4 and involved my father, webcams and showing off to others. My abuse continued with others and my dad until 14. Had I been older when things started or it was not my dad maybe I would not have regrets about missing my childhood, for me the nature of the abuse also influenced my desires, instead of broadcasting on a cam I am private about my sexual relationships. Instead of seeking out or recreating what happened I pursued having a family with a wife and becoming a dad.

 

[dreamgurl]

I can very much relate to this, during my abuse I was groomed to be and act as a submissive sissy ( I do suffer from Gender Dysphoria). I was also exposed to and taught to like and accept humiliation, mostly verbal but also physical. I also enjoyed my abuse by both males and females from the age of six to fourteen and following my abusers abandoning me I felt lost. I continued to submit myself to men for their pleasure on into my thirties. Mostly seeking men for me to act as a submissive orally and anally.

 

[SaberCat]

Sexual arousal is complicated at best. Being turned on by a specific type of partner is not bad or good. It’s what turns you on. That’s generally good. Only two situations that it isn’t. Its legitimately dangerous OR everyone doesn’t consent. If all parties involved give consent and are *able* to give consent, no problem. that’s what our abusers never cared about. You were young and it’s OK if you liked it. Sex is supposed to feel good. But you weren’t in a position to give consent. Teenagers can’t give consent. Typically teens don’t know about all the things that they don’t know. Or the long term effects of what they do.

I would definitely speak to a therapist who understands CSA. I personally had negative sex behaviors from my CSA. They were dangerous and I needed significant therapy for them. I got past those and other things I’m into are OK. Sex and attraction definitely gets really complicated after CSA.

I hope you find peace brother!

Edit: I’m by no means OK with everything. I still have troublesome sexual behaviors but they aren’t an immediate threat to myself or others. I’m working past them.

 

[dcwofhs90]

There was a point during the abuse (I'd say around 15 years old) that I was a little taller than him, but still extremely skinny. But the "best," "most enjoyable" time during my years with him was definitely when it began at 11, and I was obviously much smaller than him. So many new feelings that I enjoyed immediately...so many new experiences...it just make sense to me that, on a subconscious level I'm trying to recreate it. And it's happened countless times over the past 40 years.

 

[GaD3!]

There was a point during the abuse (I'd say around 15 years old) that I was a little taller than him, but still extremely skinny. But the "best," "most enjoyable" time during my years with him was definitely when it began at 11, and I was obviously much smaller than him. So many new feelings that I enjoyed immediately...so many new experiences...it just make sense to me that, on a subconscious level I'm trying to recreate it. And it's happened countless times over the past 40 years.

I agree that it seems that at a subconscious level you are trying to reenact the earlier abuse. It is not unusual for that to take place.

 

[Chad75]

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[Chad75]

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