New here & seeking advice

New here & seeking advice
P

Plath

New Registrant
A few nights ago my husband revealed to me that he had, in his words, been the victim of 'child rape'. From the little he said I know it happened more than once and that it was a boy/man.


He is not someone to ever talk about his problems. Always in the past I have had to really push conversations to get him to open up and allow us to get to the bottom of what is going on. I know that is absolutely the wrong thing to do here and won't be doing that.


I'm ashamed to say initially my response (kept to myself) was anger that he had kept something so huge about his past from me and desperate to know more. I've moved on from there and now my concerns are around next steps.


He recently sought help for depression for the first time even though it is something he has always struggled with. Unfortunately the help received was a waste of time and in order to go further he needs to go through the process again, something he had said he didn't want to do. (UK based so through NHS, we can't afford to go private)


I don't want to push him to talk or seek help before he's ready but equally I know he is not someone to ever do either of these things on his own.


His depression has been fuelled by work and money situations however I now know that this has of course been a major contributing factor. He's not doing well at the moment and I worry if I do nothing things will just get worse. He keeps looking at me as if he's waiting for me to bring it up.


I've seen that the charity SurvivorsUK has a free counselling service, that of course would mean us talking about it though. The question is how to get there.


I can't help now looking at him and seeing this scared little boy that I just want to hold and make whole.


There is of course lots more I could say to add further context but then I'd be writing an essay. Hopefully this is enough to understand the situation as a starting point.


Any suggestions on what I should do now would be hugely appreciated.
 
@Plath I’m so sorry that you have found your way here! I’m also in the UK and know how terribly difficult it is for men to find support dealing with this, and how long the NHS wait is for counselling.

Someone said to me, it is a gift that your husband has shared this with you, it is in a way, but it is also one of the hardest things to hear.

You say you don’t want to push, and I think that’s absolutely right, but he does need to get some help. My husband went in and out of therapy for years before the last time I said non negotiable, you have to!

I would also suggest as he starts to disclose more to you that you seek someone to talk to, it’s a lot to carry!

This forum is wonderful, so supportive and always someone to listen!

I know of a few helplines that your husband and you could call, but they really are just there to listen, they can’t help with therapy. I’ll find them and send over the links.

Take care!
 
@Plath
Just wanted to let you know you r not alone. I am also a survivors wife. My husband disclosed a little over 2 years ago. We have been together over 27 years. It's hard for me to take in. Luckily my husband sees a therapist weekly. I also see a therapist every couple of weeks. My husband talks to some survivors on the forum made for survivors on here. There r some of us survivors wives that chat around 7 pm ct on Tuesdays. Feel free to join
 
Thank you @Mary80 and @Dream24 . Your words are really appreciated and Mary those links would definitely be helpful, thank you. The chat would be lovely but that's the middle of the night here and I have two young children, I sleep when I can 😂

We spoke last night. I actually said to him you keep looking scared that I'm going to bring it up and so I'm just going to do it. Turned out he'd been waiting for me to, and he wanted to. He wanted to talk. He told me what he said he remembered, some details I think have become repressed memories or he just wasn't ready yet. It was ongoing for a substantial period of time by an older cousin.

I spoke about talking to a therapist. He said that he'd said it to me and that was it, done. He knows I won't let it go at that and I said I'd give it a bit of time and bring it up again but that he did need to talk to a professional.

I think because what seems to be a big takeaway for him was the feeling that he encouraged it and after a while even looked forward to it (his mother is an alcoholic, was in and out of rehab in his youth, dad not in the picture, grateful for someone choosing him and giving him special attention). He really for those reasons doesn't want to talk to someone. I assured him that this wasn't unusual. It's going to take time for him to be ready though.
 
Also, this is just really helpful having this here. It's just so huge and I I need to talk about it, offload but obviously can't break his trust and talk to one of my friends about it.
 
Plath said:
Thank you @Mary80 and @Dream24 . Your words are really appreciated and Mary those links would definitely be helpful, thank you. The chat would be lovely but that's the middle of the night here and I have two young children, I sleep when I can 😂

We spoke last night. I actually said to him you keep looking scared that I'm going to bring it up and so I'm just going to do it. Turned out he'd been waiting for me to, and he wanted to. He wanted to talk. He told me what he said he remembered, some details I think have become repressed memories or he just wasn't ready yet. It was ongoing for a substantial period of time by an older cousin.

I spoke about talking to a therapist. He said that he'd said it to me and that was it, done. He knows I won't let it go at that and I said I'd give it a bit of time and bring it up again but that he did need to talk to a professional.

I think because what seems to be a big takeaway for him was the feeling that he encouraged it and after a while even looked forward to it (his mother is an alcoholic, was in and out of rehab in his youth, dad not in the picture, grateful for someone choosing him and giving him special attention). He really for those reasons doesn't want to talk to someone. I assured him that this wasn't unusual. It's going to take time for him to be ready though.
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I’m so pleased that he spoke to you again about it, you are his safe place! It took us a few talks, more came out each time, so do be prepared there could be more disclosure to come.

Therapy really is the best option for you both, stay strong, and as you say, don’t let that thought go, it really is a step towards healing, when he is ready! How is your husband with things like you offering to help? Would he let you look at therapists for him, so that when he is ready you have found someone? There are some private places that offer FOC depending on where you are based.

Take care!
 
Hi Plath-I’m sorry for your needing to find your way here, but glad you found us. Like others have said, this is a safe place to vent, share information, etc. Maybe you could suggest to your husband that he come here just to either get it all out or maybe read some of the other survivor’s stories so he doesn’t feel alone or see how others have coped. Then maybe the seed would be planted that it was not his fault and he did not encourage it.
We’re here, you’re not alone, feel free to vent, ask questions……..there are lots of ups and downs.
 
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