I've lost my identity

[Adam Robbins]

I feel so incredibly lost right now. With everything happening between my wife and I and the realization/revelation of my own sexual abuse, I don't know who I am. I haven't known myself for a very very long time. I held onto the secret I had about my cousin and I for 28 years. Yes, my wife knew about a portion of the experience, but the full truth has been locked away.

So now, I'm searching. Trying to find a foothold to latch onto of anything resembling who I think I really am. I ended up telling my three closest friends about the abuse today, and it feels like this weight has been lifted even further off of my shoulders. So now my wife, my mother, and my three closest friends from high school know. So I asked them, 'Am I this goofy wierdo that I've come to know or is that the product of the trauma.'

Of course, they're very validating because they're my bros. My mom is supportive because she's my mom. My wife sees the potential for good in me, but at the same time, her trauma about what I've done to her is new and that's at the forefront of what we're working on together.

But what do I think? I think I'm this bundle of nerves that's done any and everything to avoid hearing the truth for 28 years.

I was sexually abused by my cousin. She may not have known what she was doing at the times and maybe she was trying to deal with her own trauma that she was going through, but the fact remains that yes, it was sexual abuse. I may have given into my "curiosities about girls," but the fact remains that it should have never happened.

The only person I blame is Christopher Ramirez. My ex-uncle. My cousin's step-dad. He was in prison for 17 years for what he did to my cousin and a few weeks after he got released, he had a stroke and can no longer use his legs.

Pardon my language, but that's fucking karma.

But that still doesn't help me. That still doesn't shake this feeling of utter lostness.

The greatest feeling I do have is the validation that, even after only a few weeks after realizing I was abused and a month after my wife's discovery day, my wife told me this:

"Thank you for sharing and being so open, I hear that you're feeling lost and hopeless, while that's scary, terrifying actually, I think it's a good place to start.

Look at yourself! Really look! The fact that in the past whenever there were unsavory feelings or emotions they were ignored or bottled up immediately.

You didnt sit there in the discomfort, you didn't try to digest any of your feelings.

This in itself is showing me the minute changes that are starting to form. You're actually trying to confront the pain and the unknown. It shows me you are genuinely committed to growing into someone! You're not a coward running off to your coping mechanism that you grew to rely on. You're actually being vulnerable with me and thats an incredible feat all on its own. So hopefully as you continue to digest all these mixed feelings, you're able to find out who you are."

Her being able to recognize the cognitive changes I'm going through is the biggest validation. And maybe, just maybe, we can come back together and actually get to know each other the right way. No porn to run away to. No secrets holding me back. Just pure me and pure her.

That gives me hope, but I know I shouldn't hold onto that because our next chapter may be Christmases together with separate families. Whichever future ends up letting her be happiest is the future I want.

I just want to be a person I don't wake up hating every morning.

 

[Jeremy Doe]

Hey Adam,

First off, if no one has said it yet, I’m sorry that you had to go through the experience of abuse. You’re not to blame in it, and you have proven strength and character as evidenced by you still being here. And… it does get better. When you do the work, when you explore and understand the past, it loses its power over you.

I also empathize with you with things that are happening between you and your wife. I know when I finally came to terms with my stuff, that my wife was the closest to me and so she bore a brunt of knowledge that was not fair to just drop on her. While she knew that my time in foster care wasn’t ideal, we just made it a point to never explore or discuss it. When it came out just how not-ideal it was, she had some pretty strong emotions.

It wasn’t until months later that I really understood that passing on that trauma, or the knowledge of that trauma (which is traumatic), was unfair. A, she wasn’t trained to handle that level of knowledge. B, it wasn’t something that she asked to know. And C, I never took into account how learning about my past could be a triggering, from her own perspective based on her own history.

So give her some grace and space. It’s not everyday someone learns that someone they care about and love was subjected to something horrific and that there’s nothing that can be done to make it better or to go away. If your wife struggles with aspects and difficulties of being powerless, well, then it’s especially impactful.

With regard to your identity, and trying to get your bearings, I feel for you there. And I can tell you that your feelings are normal and expected. Your entire self identity was built around this idea of concealment. Now, you don’t have that protection mechanism anymore. Now, you’re a new person, a different person. I’d recommend you check out the book, “Victims No Longer” by Mike Lew. When you read both his case studies and the things he has to say, you’ll find a different level of empathy for yourself and that empathy is going to be needed as your embrace your new identity.

That your wife is supportive speaks a lot to you and her and your ability to withstand and grow from these realizations.

Self-loathing, guilt, and shame, are all normal outcomes to the trauma we’ve endured from rape and abuse. And once you can pause and understand the source of those feelings, the closer you’ll be to healing. One of the most powerful things that helped me with being able to place my feelings, my predilections, my phobias, and other personality quirks into a frame of reference and to understand how my abuse shaped me as a person.

Once you know that, you can start to rebuild and become the person you want to be. So don’t shy away from the pain. Don’t fill yourself with denial, and don’t try to hide your past. You spent a lot of time hiding that pain. Exploring and understanding it is the only path forward.


Good luck Adam. You’ve already made great strides in progress and healing.

 

[GaD3!]

To add to the excellent post of Jeremy Doe, are you in therapy? You don't mention it. I hope you are, if not I would highly recommend you work with a therapist trained in dealing with sexual abuse issues. It is very difficult to deal with the all the issues of sexual abuse without help.