Inadequate
DanielQ432
Registrant
TRIGGER Warning - Maybe - I’m not sure if anything I write will be explicitly about CSA or other triggering things, but as I write, maybe … so I put this here just to be safe?
What can I say, I’m a weird dude …. this is gonna be really long and rambling
Superficially, I’m a grown man … a middle aged grown man at that. Emotionally - well, more accurately, developmental in the psychological realm, I feel stuck at about 12 or 13. That wasn’t the age of the last trauma I experienced during my “formative years.” It was the exact age I was when I experienced something I guess was pretty traumatic at the time, and growing up and to this day it bothers me … at about 12 1/2 I had a testicular torsion and had a testicle removed. The problem itself was pretty painful, I was actually a pretty sick little kid for a few days, and there was the added shame of it being a problem related to my reproductive anatomy. In a normal household I think parents, especially fathers, would or should talk to their sons about sexual development, anatomy, safe sex, etc. in my house talking about, acknowledging normal things like that were forbidden. CSA however was definitely in play … so yeah, one of my many grudges was having a father who abused me, but wouldn’t comfort me when I needed it or act like a normal father figure in any way.
Another reason I feel stuck at that age is because I really needed male friends and male bonding with peers and role models/mentors, and that was also denied me because my father was very abusive, isolated us, and really did cut off all outside contact that he could. I mean … I had to go to school, because the authorities would have come knocking … but anything discretionary was a no-go … friends, activities, sports, field trips, lessons, after-school jobs when older, driving, etc. So I missed that … how much less of a shitstorm of quiet desperation might my life be if I could have been in Little League or band or just hung around with 3 or 4 other boys and did normal things?
Honestly, I don’t feel confused about my sexuality, I believe I know where I fall along that continuum, but I feel … not confusion, but serious, deep, self-loathing inadequacy about my masculinity.
The abuse didn’t help, the lack of male companions and role models didn’t help. I look back now and I often wonder if the loss of a testicle diminished my testosterone at a critical stage, because I did really experience puberty later than normal, not dramatically, call-an-endocrinologist late, but I was probably a couple of months shy of 15 when I finally grew pubic and underarm hair and had the first “wet dream”. Also, I hated my voice and kept hearing about “your voice will crack” - never did, or at least not by much, I STILL hate my nasal, high-pitched voice, and hate it when someone on the phone says “ma’am” to me. I used to have fantasies that I could do something - like take up smoking - to damage my throat and vocal chords enough to lower the pitch of my voice.
So I’ve always wondered… never had the strength most men have, 50 or 75 lbs is the most I could lift. Never got good muscle definition or big muscles even when I did try weightlifting for a while … and I maxed out on the bench press at 2 or 3 reps of 120 lbs - while guys around routinely did 200, 250, whatever. I didn’t even have to shave regularly until 20 or 21. Stuff like that.
But yet … I can’t even remember what age it started or when it filled in fully, but I’ve got really dense, full chest and abdominal hair, hairy arms, used to have hairy legs but lost about 60% of that to “tortous veins”/venous insufficiency, and last time I had a physical my total testosterone was about 800. And a really full, thick beard, once it started - I’d have a serious 5 o’clock shadow except I’m blond. Libido has never been a problem, ever. So was biology against me or not, Dunno…
That’s the physical part of my sense of inadequacy. The psychological- well, I’m a coward, number 1 problem. Like, seriously a coward … like I am afraid to stand up for myself in even little situations. If I’m overcharged or get bad service or the car repair that cost $800 lasts a week … I just eat if, along with any sense of pride or dignity, spends days or years passive-aggressively muttering under my breath about it but do nothing.
I spent a lot of my years caught in a cycle of “I’m a victim. People hurt me. If I were that guy - the Navy Seal, the first member of the SWAT team through the door of the barricaded gunman, the hyper-masculine jock who hits home runs, the boxer, or maybe James Bond - they couldn’t hurt me.” It’s not real either - just a hyper-masculine fantasy.
Which is also weird, because IRL, I don’t “connect” with stuff like that … it doesn’t resonate with me. I’ve never watched a “Rambo” movie or and of the Die Hard films or anything with John Wayne or some modern-day equivalent - too much noise, too much violence. I’ve watched “Pretty Woman” probably 100 times … and I’m only moderately embarrassed about what that says about me.
Dunno … Dunno …. A lot of this is me rambling- to where I don’t know either? Too bad I wasn’t born on Galifrey, so I could just regenerate into the me I would like to be …
What can I say, I’m a weird dude …. this is gonna be really long and rambling
Superficially, I’m a grown man … a middle aged grown man at that. Emotionally - well, more accurately, developmental in the psychological realm, I feel stuck at about 12 or 13. That wasn’t the age of the last trauma I experienced during my “formative years.” It was the exact age I was when I experienced something I guess was pretty traumatic at the time, and growing up and to this day it bothers me … at about 12 1/2 I had a testicular torsion and had a testicle removed. The problem itself was pretty painful, I was actually a pretty sick little kid for a few days, and there was the added shame of it being a problem related to my reproductive anatomy. In a normal household I think parents, especially fathers, would or should talk to their sons about sexual development, anatomy, safe sex, etc. in my house talking about, acknowledging normal things like that were forbidden. CSA however was definitely in play … so yeah, one of my many grudges was having a father who abused me, but wouldn’t comfort me when I needed it or act like a normal father figure in any way.
Another reason I feel stuck at that age is because I really needed male friends and male bonding with peers and role models/mentors, and that was also denied me because my father was very abusive, isolated us, and really did cut off all outside contact that he could. I mean … I had to go to school, because the authorities would have come knocking … but anything discretionary was a no-go … friends, activities, sports, field trips, lessons, after-school jobs when older, driving, etc. So I missed that … how much less of a shitstorm of quiet desperation might my life be if I could have been in Little League or band or just hung around with 3 or 4 other boys and did normal things?
Honestly, I don’t feel confused about my sexuality, I believe I know where I fall along that continuum, but I feel … not confusion, but serious, deep, self-loathing inadequacy about my masculinity.
The abuse didn’t help, the lack of male companions and role models didn’t help. I look back now and I often wonder if the loss of a testicle diminished my testosterone at a critical stage, because I did really experience puberty later than normal, not dramatically, call-an-endocrinologist late, but I was probably a couple of months shy of 15 when I finally grew pubic and underarm hair and had the first “wet dream”. Also, I hated my voice and kept hearing about “your voice will crack” - never did, or at least not by much, I STILL hate my nasal, high-pitched voice, and hate it when someone on the phone says “ma’am” to me. I used to have fantasies that I could do something - like take up smoking - to damage my throat and vocal chords enough to lower the pitch of my voice.
So I’ve always wondered… never had the strength most men have, 50 or 75 lbs is the most I could lift. Never got good muscle definition or big muscles even when I did try weightlifting for a while … and I maxed out on the bench press at 2 or 3 reps of 120 lbs - while guys around routinely did 200, 250, whatever. I didn’t even have to shave regularly until 20 or 21. Stuff like that.
But yet … I can’t even remember what age it started or when it filled in fully, but I’ve got really dense, full chest and abdominal hair, hairy arms, used to have hairy legs but lost about 60% of that to “tortous veins”/venous insufficiency, and last time I had a physical my total testosterone was about 800. And a really full, thick beard, once it started - I’d have a serious 5 o’clock shadow except I’m blond. Libido has never been a problem, ever. So was biology against me or not, Dunno…
That’s the physical part of my sense of inadequacy. The psychological- well, I’m a coward, number 1 problem. Like, seriously a coward … like I am afraid to stand up for myself in even little situations. If I’m overcharged or get bad service or the car repair that cost $800 lasts a week … I just eat if, along with any sense of pride or dignity, spends days or years passive-aggressively muttering under my breath about it but do nothing.
I spent a lot of my years caught in a cycle of “I’m a victim. People hurt me. If I were that guy - the Navy Seal, the first member of the SWAT team through the door of the barricaded gunman, the hyper-masculine jock who hits home runs, the boxer, or maybe James Bond - they couldn’t hurt me.” It’s not real either - just a hyper-masculine fantasy.
Which is also weird, because IRL, I don’t “connect” with stuff like that … it doesn’t resonate with me. I’ve never watched a “Rambo” movie or and of the Die Hard films or anything with John Wayne or some modern-day equivalent - too much noise, too much violence. I’ve watched “Pretty Woman” probably 100 times … and I’m only moderately embarrassed about what that says about me.
Dunno … Dunno …. A lot of this is me rambling- to where I don’t know either? Too bad I wasn’t born on Galifrey, so I could just regenerate into the me I would like to be …
