*Triggers Possible* I told a friend last night. Can't sleep.
blackrabbit223
Registrant
TWs: Physical and sexual abuse, near-death experience (?).
I told a friend about the abuse last night and now I can't sleep. I woke up at 2:40 something in the morning and haven't been able to get back to bed. I think it brought up some old stuff, but other than that it went really well. My friend was supportive of me and believed me.
The thing is, she said that my ex tried to kill me. "Straight up attempted murder" about the time they strangled me when I was 18. I keep thinking about that. Attempted murder. I don't think they meant to try and kill me, but I know they meant to hurt me and that they liked it. It turned them on to hurt me in other ways like with the spanking or tickling (which is painful to me, so I consider it physical abuse). It wouldn't surprise me, if they liked it. I talked about it a bit here in 2024.
They only did it the one time, so I should be grateful I suppose. I know that strangulation is often a predictor for death in abusive relationships, that's what a domestic violence hotline told me. They never tried to kill me but were physically abusive in other ways like I said.
The worst part is that my sister was home, just in the other room. I should've told her right away and called the police or an ambulance, but I didn't. I just froze while/after it happened and then went to sleep. I slept so deep that I missed the start of my shift in the morning, and they were pissed. About my lateness and that they had to drive me to work. What did they think was going to happen after choking me? It exhausts you, even if it's only for a few seconds and you didn't go unconscious. I didn't. Your body reacts like it's dying, at least mine did. It felt like I was being killed.
Now I get nervous if seatbelts get too close to my neck and I can't button up my shirts all the way. The slightest pressure on my neck makes me freak out. I go back and forth between being able to handle strangling scenes in movies or video games. I already had a fear of violent deaths like that, but now it's worse.
There's one scene in the The Last of Us game + show where one of the main characters is strangled by a man that tries to sexually abuse her. I don't know how many times I've watched that. I've replayed the Youtube clip to an unhealthy degree. She fights back against him, which is cathartic to watch.
I didn't scream for help, or kick my feet on the bed. I didn't try to grab their arms or push them off. I didn't run away. I just laid there as they straddled and choked me out. I "let it happen". I'm still learning to accept that freeze and fawn responses are my go-to. I hope I can get back to sleep tonight, and that everyone else has a good rest too.
Take care.
I told a friend about the abuse last night and now I can't sleep. I woke up at 2:40 something in the morning and haven't been able to get back to bed. I think it brought up some old stuff, but other than that it went really well. My friend was supportive of me and believed me.
The thing is, she said that my ex tried to kill me. "Straight up attempted murder" about the time they strangled me when I was 18. I keep thinking about that. Attempted murder. I don't think they meant to try and kill me, but I know they meant to hurt me and that they liked it. It turned them on to hurt me in other ways like with the spanking or tickling (which is painful to me, so I consider it physical abuse). It wouldn't surprise me, if they liked it. I talked about it a bit here in 2024.
They only did it the one time, so I should be grateful I suppose. I know that strangulation is often a predictor for death in abusive relationships, that's what a domestic violence hotline told me. They never tried to kill me but were physically abusive in other ways like I said.
The worst part is that my sister was home, just in the other room. I should've told her right away and called the police or an ambulance, but I didn't. I just froze while/after it happened and then went to sleep. I slept so deep that I missed the start of my shift in the morning, and they were pissed. About my lateness and that they had to drive me to work. What did they think was going to happen after choking me? It exhausts you, even if it's only for a few seconds and you didn't go unconscious. I didn't. Your body reacts like it's dying, at least mine did. It felt like I was being killed.
Now I get nervous if seatbelts get too close to my neck and I can't button up my shirts all the way. The slightest pressure on my neck makes me freak out. I go back and forth between being able to handle strangling scenes in movies or video games. I already had a fear of violent deaths like that, but now it's worse.
There's one scene in the The Last of Us game + show where one of the main characters is strangled by a man that tries to sexually abuse her. I don't know how many times I've watched that. I've replayed the Youtube clip to an unhealthy degree. She fights back against him, which is cathartic to watch.
I didn't scream for help, or kick my feet on the bed. I didn't try to grab their arms or push them off. I didn't run away. I just laid there as they straddled and choked me out. I "let it happen". I'm still learning to accept that freeze and fawn responses are my go-to. I hope I can get back to sleep tonight, and that everyone else has a good rest too.
Take care.
