Going Too Far

Going Too Far
S

Sykolojik

Registrant
Let me start by saying I was blessed with good parents..but they still couldnt protect me from the outside world. From an early age, around 5, I was abused repeatidly by my kindergarten teacher, a neighbor, and a friend's sister..the last incident happened when i was 15, one of my mom's friends (the woman was in her mid 40s) sexually assaulted me..because of all this I have issues..I get triggered way too easily, and its always very intense..and needless to say I cant form relationships..and its come to my attention recently that perhaps castration would be best..take away the urge to not be alone..i've convinced myself the only way to get through this is on my own..i'm about two seconds from being checked in to a mental institution..i'm sick of going out of my mind every day..aside from the sexual abuse, i've been mentally conditioned to hate myself for being born male, and triggers are everywhere..TV, movies, radio..the attacks never end..Yes, i've had therapy and counseling, and i've been doped up on just about everything They can throw at me..Nothing Helps..perhaps being institutionalized would be best for me?
 
I would refer you to my own story, posted in two parts, just over a year ago here. You can easily access it in my post history. I was the victim of 11 different perps between that age of 5 and 18, violent physical and emotional abuse from my parents, as well as religious abuse too. I spent many years struggling withdrawn from my family in isolation all whacked-out on dope and involved in destructive sex addiction too. I had some initial success in my first attempt at therapy but a combination of lousy circumstances in my life helped ruin that first chance and I went off of the deep end for another 7 years. Part of the reason was that I was still too shy and too worried that anyone would find out what I was doing.

Finally after an intervention in 1996 I began my recovery journey again. I was inpatient in substance-abuse recovery several times. I attended therapy from several fine specialists. I went inpatient at a place that specialized in treating addiction and childhood sexual victimization concurrently. And I finished-up in the Spring of 2000 with another outfit that treated both issues on an outpatient basis. The last 9 years have been the best years of my life. I have gone from daily hard drug abuse in the worst part of the inner city to owning a house in a nice suburb. I have 9 years on the same job. And I finally met, dated, and married my 2nd wife, something that I had at one time thought impossible.

Have you heard of Prescott House? They are an inexpensive inpatient treatment facility in Prescott, AZ that will treat addictions and childhood sexual victimization at the same time. I attended there back in the Fall of 1999.

http://www.prescotthouse.net/

Much more expensive would be another option, which would involve some inpatient substance-abuse therapy at Hazelden in MN, then possibly their Jellinek program, then staying in a halfway house in St. Paul while seeing Mic Hunter there. This basically describes some of my treatment history.

http://www.hazelden.org/

http://unjobs.org/authors/mic-hunter

Listing from www.theawarenesscenter.org:

Minnesota
St. Paul Mic Hunter, PhD, LMFT 357 Kellogg blvd., East, St. Paul, MN 55101

Phone: 651-224-4335

Experienced working with both male and female survivors. Author of several books on child sexual abuse

(Sorry Ken, you are not in their directory).

Anyhow, it took me a considerable amount of time in my recovery, and many setbacks, to finally find my freedom. But the end result has been better than my wildest dreams had been. I have found the life that I was meant to live before I was abused. My recovery is so complete that I went several years of not even thinking about my previous limitations before I discovered this site a year ago and decided to try to help out here. My self-esteem and confidence have been restored, as well as healthy adult intimacy too. Recovery is possible, my man, if you will just stay with it and keep on giving an honest effort.

Here at MS is a great place to come for help. Hope that we can help you find your freedom here too.

Mark
 
i've gotten myself off the hard drugs, by sheer will power..I smoke pot when i can..and i never want to stop that..nor do i want my life to turn around..i really dont care to live that long..just long enough to be useful to those that need me..then i want out..i'm glad your life changed for the better..but i dont even want mine to change anymore..i just want it to be over..being an inpatient isnt an option as i have two elderly parents to look after and tend to..maybe after they're gone i can seek lock-down help..also i dont want to get married again or even meet someone new..i've sworn off women..i think i'm better off alone..those that love me want whats best for me..but maybe whats best for me is just letting me go...
 
i really dont belong on this site..i dont fit in with others who supposidly know my pain..sorry i wasted everyone's time...i'm leaving the site to deal with this on my own....
 
Syk,
You didn't waste our time. If you throw it all away you are wasting yours and at the rate you are going you have precious little time left. If you won't live for yourself, and you won't interact with us, then at least give some consideration to your Mom and Dad who depend on you and want more for you than what you are willing to take. Of course there is no hope tomorrow if you chuck it out today.

What the heck is with this? You show up here with a sad story like you are the only one in the world who has had a bad time of it? Sorry, you are not that special! There are men here who have suffered abuse that you cannot fathom and you stick your booboo in their faces and say they don't understand? I won't give you the permission to walk away and throw in the towell like that. You came here because you do care about yourself and you do want to find hope. You only wish you don't care, because it hurts so badly to admit that you do care. It hurts because you are alive and since you are alive you have hope. Yeah you did the meds and counseling - no wonder it didn't work if you didn't try any harder than this. Yeah you have done dope, so have thousands of others who have broken the hold - including weed. By God you are going to get through this. That's what I said, "By God". Have you asked him what he thinks of your stupid plan. Asking God for help can't be any more stupid than that. I will talk with you more tomorrow...

Live,
Shadow+Walker
 
SYK,
Like I said, I am back again tonight. Too bad you flew off in a huff before you even gave any body a chance. The guys here do try to understand and do care. It is wrong to expect them to perfectly understand everything, because they weren't there. In turn they don't expect you to understand everything perfectly about them and there experiences. Well if you ever read this, congratulations on your resolve to come back and try again. The guys here at MS will be here.

The worst really is over. The abuse has stopped for you and now where it takes you is up to you. You are the one who decides from here what actions and consequences you will take and endure. As bad as it was it didn't kill you. What sense does it make for you to trash what's left of your life? Even your abusers couldn't or didn't do that. What are you going do kick to the curb what's left of your life, all the while pointing at them saying they are the ones who are kicking it to the curb? If so you might as well gift wrap yourself in a pretty package and send it to your abusers, because you are wimping out and giving in to them.

You say you were blessed with a good Mom and Dad. Along with those blessings came many others. What are you going to focus on, the dirt in the flower garden or the flowers? Look at those blessings and appreciate them for what they are. It shows you that not all of life is screwed up. Live for those blessings, emulate those blessings and you will find that your life will be filled with blessings. Hope is there asking you to take hold of it by the hand and travel the path. Whatever you invest in from here is what your life will be filled with. If you act like a posse member of the Texas Hippie Coalition and you stay all "pissed off and mad about it" you will find that your life is full things to be pissed off and mad about. If you aim for the sunrise of hope and invest your efforts in blessings (your and others) then joy will be yours inspite of the sorrows that happen your way. I am not talking about living in denial, I am saying focus on your blessings.

I don't want to see you go away from MS hurt. I want to see you go away some day healed. Until then stick around and make some investments in your life that will actually pay off.

Live,
Shadow+Walker
 
Syk,
When you decide to give it another try we will be here. MS is a place to meeet and talk. As I said before, the guys here at MS do care and sincerely try to understand. They are here as friends offering and receiving peer support, not as professionals to be hired and fired. Welcome back when you get here and let's see if we can understand where we can offer that support for each other.

Do well and be well,
Shadow+Walker
 
syk,

i second what shadow+walker is trying to say.

and i have a question:

it that 'sick of logic' or 'sicko logic'?

either way, i'm sick of the thinking part too, because it usually leads to spinning your wheels. but you can't get to the feeling part until you realize the thinking part has been a ruse all along.

so, apparently you are there. why bail out just when you've gotten to the next plateau? if you think you can come here and we will let you eternally lick your wounds, then you would be wrong about that.

in signing up for this website, there is an unspoken expectation that you will be open minded to the point of exploring other option besides the conclusions that led to dead-end thinking.

it is not over for you. you came here, to the only place on the planet that has the best tools all in one spot, and all the best resources, all in one spot: the people who have gone through what you endured and have found a way to move beyond the limits of logical conclusion and into the realm of connection to the visceral effects of sexual abuse. the trap is not in the mind, but in the inability to release the feelings of anger and fear, and sorrow and pain, that get trapped in the head trying to make sense out of it all.

don't give up until you have at least given a shot to a Weekend of Retreat; give the male survivor pro's an opportunity to prove you right about the things you are right about, and wrong about the things you are wrong about, and give you new tactics for managing the pain that never seems to fade.

all the best,

ron
 
i'm back..because some of my friends convinced me to try again. I dont know how much good it'll do..i'm pretty screwed up in the head..

and for the record, its "Psycho-logic"
 
Hey Sykolojik,
Welcome back!!! I am glad you decided to give things a second try at MS. I was just on my way to bed, but wanted to say Hey.
I just posted a response to your thread in INTRO. We'll talk again tomorrow.

Peace,
Shadow+Walker
 
i'm back..because some of my friends convinced me to try again. I dont know how much good it'll do..i'm pretty screwed up in the head..

and for the record, its "Psycho-logic"
Click to expand...

damn bro, you got some good friends, and it sounds like with their love and support you are going to be just fine, and as you work on your recovery, you'll come to see that you are being the same kind of helpful support for someone else, like they are for you now....... paying it forward.....sounds very cool.

glad you made it back!

all the best,

ron
 
Good evening men at Male Survivor!!! Shadow+Walker here spinning a tune that is a recent fav. This little number goes out to one of our new friends at MS, let's hear it for Sykolojik as we dedicate this song to him. Sykolojik, this is your song tonight and here is hoping you have an awesome night and thanks for being a cool dude.

click here to listen to the song dedicated to Sykolojik on this awesome summer night 2009!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkvvuZrL9XM


Peace,
Shadow+Walker
 
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