General Thoughts to Share After Mind, then comes body
blankspace
Registrant
Hi All,
Many of you know me at this stage and have seen the struggles of going up and down during my healing process. But this is only an area I have covered bits and pieces in mentions here and there in my posts. For years I was struggling with the memories and unknown effects the abuse and attack had on me and my body, not understanding why I would binge eat comfort food, not leave my room, not shower for days or even take care of myself.
In the last year of going to counselling and being on here, I have learned the reasons why I was like this. What happened made me feel dirty on the inside so my mind made me look dirty on the outside. I used comfort eating to subconsciously make myself fat even though I didn't want to be Fat, for two reasons, no one messes with the big guy and who would want to try to attack a fat ugly guy again. When I think back now, I am angry at my brain for doing that to me, although now I understand why it was done as a defensive mechanism.
The purpose of this post is to not dwell on the past but to move forward, counselling has allowed me to get to a stronger mental place, than I have ever been, I feel like I am starting to become what I could only think of as myself again, even though for a long time I had forgotten who that was. But healing the mind is only half of the battle, the other half is the body, as I have found one can affect the other.
My Weight:
I have started to focus on my diet a little more, not comfortable or fit enough to consider going to the gym yet, walking a bit trying to use that as a method of exercise until I feel I am fit enough to walk to the gym and not feel back pain, leg pain or be completely out of breath like and a sweating mess. Diet as well I have moved to tracking my calorie intake and trying to eat more and more protein to keep me full longer. Although that being said I still struggle with my intake of comfort food, not because I seek comfort, but because I have been eating it for so long that it has become somewhat of an addition. That is something I have been working on and trying to work on, by even calorie counting those meals and focusing on meals with lots of protein. I am a fan of Pizza and Burgers, no I force myself when I do, to try only have pizza maybe once a month and when I order a burger to get tons of extra salad to fill me up. As for soda, I only ever liked Coke Zero and Pepsi Max the most so that's never been an issue for me with sugar, but chocolate and crunchy chips have been. I only learned this year why I like chips so much and in case anyone else is like me with that. My councillor said it's a form of Anger/Anxiety/Stress dealing mechanism, the reason you do it could be any of those reasons and getting that mouth out through the chewing and crunching. I heard it myself and thought "Yeah right... sure" but then on a particularly hard day I found myself reaching for a good old pack of chips, not understanding why I was able to see this and stop myself. Being my weight has caused many other issues, that I am slowly working on and hopefully will be solving in a year or two when I start getting to a healthy weight again.
My Hygiene:
I force myself to have daily showers now and try to get regular haircuts to keep myself looking better. But one thing I noticed, because I had let my hygiene go, it affected me more than I thought. My Teeth for one, Brushing was always an issue for me, I think it was because the feeling in my mouth brought back bad memories and led me to spiral on those thoughts. This has been improving in the last while, but there is a chance that it's too late already, I have a horrible feeling that I might have gum disease in my bottom teeth due to the lack of cleaning and recently noticed a few issues that caused me to worry. I got myself registered with a dental clinic this week, and in the new year, I am going to see a dentist and see what I can do. I do have a fear I am going to lose teeth now. This affects my dream side career, for the longest time my dream career was that, a dream. But since moving to my new region and dealing with everyone, I have moved that career to a possibility in the next few years once I get my fitness up, I might actually get to follow my dreams on a part-time basis, and recently looking that up has lead to the fear that even though I have an opportunity now, I might not be able to because for the position I need to have good dental hygiene and gum disease isn't allowable. so of course that has caused me to overthink and worry about it.
If a trend like this about getting my life back on track this way is of interest or helps people I will continue it alongside my diary on my counselling session. I logged on today just to read around and get my head straight from overthinking, and I saw that my post had helped someone in a major way, considering what I am currently working through. I thought that maybe a thread on something like this might help someone too. I am fairly comfortable talking about things as I work on them, feel free to ask any questions you have.
Many of you know me at this stage and have seen the struggles of going up and down during my healing process. But this is only an area I have covered bits and pieces in mentions here and there in my posts. For years I was struggling with the memories and unknown effects the abuse and attack had on me and my body, not understanding why I would binge eat comfort food, not leave my room, not shower for days or even take care of myself.
In the last year of going to counselling and being on here, I have learned the reasons why I was like this. What happened made me feel dirty on the inside so my mind made me look dirty on the outside. I used comfort eating to subconsciously make myself fat even though I didn't want to be Fat, for two reasons, no one messes with the big guy and who would want to try to attack a fat ugly guy again. When I think back now, I am angry at my brain for doing that to me, although now I understand why it was done as a defensive mechanism.
The purpose of this post is to not dwell on the past but to move forward, counselling has allowed me to get to a stronger mental place, than I have ever been, I feel like I am starting to become what I could only think of as myself again, even though for a long time I had forgotten who that was. But healing the mind is only half of the battle, the other half is the body, as I have found one can affect the other.
My Weight:
I have started to focus on my diet a little more, not comfortable or fit enough to consider going to the gym yet, walking a bit trying to use that as a method of exercise until I feel I am fit enough to walk to the gym and not feel back pain, leg pain or be completely out of breath like and a sweating mess. Diet as well I have moved to tracking my calorie intake and trying to eat more and more protein to keep me full longer. Although that being said I still struggle with my intake of comfort food, not because I seek comfort, but because I have been eating it for so long that it has become somewhat of an addition. That is something I have been working on and trying to work on, by even calorie counting those meals and focusing on meals with lots of protein. I am a fan of Pizza and Burgers, no I force myself when I do, to try only have pizza maybe once a month and when I order a burger to get tons of extra salad to fill me up. As for soda, I only ever liked Coke Zero and Pepsi Max the most so that's never been an issue for me with sugar, but chocolate and crunchy chips have been. I only learned this year why I like chips so much and in case anyone else is like me with that. My councillor said it's a form of Anger/Anxiety/Stress dealing mechanism, the reason you do it could be any of those reasons and getting that mouth out through the chewing and crunching. I heard it myself and thought "Yeah right... sure" but then on a particularly hard day I found myself reaching for a good old pack of chips, not understanding why I was able to see this and stop myself. Being my weight has caused many other issues, that I am slowly working on and hopefully will be solving in a year or two when I start getting to a healthy weight again.
My Hygiene:
I force myself to have daily showers now and try to get regular haircuts to keep myself looking better. But one thing I noticed, because I had let my hygiene go, it affected me more than I thought. My Teeth for one, Brushing was always an issue for me, I think it was because the feeling in my mouth brought back bad memories and led me to spiral on those thoughts. This has been improving in the last while, but there is a chance that it's too late already, I have a horrible feeling that I might have gum disease in my bottom teeth due to the lack of cleaning and recently noticed a few issues that caused me to worry. I got myself registered with a dental clinic this week, and in the new year, I am going to see a dentist and see what I can do. I do have a fear I am going to lose teeth now. This affects my dream side career, for the longest time my dream career was that, a dream. But since moving to my new region and dealing with everyone, I have moved that career to a possibility in the next few years once I get my fitness up, I might actually get to follow my dreams on a part-time basis, and recently looking that up has lead to the fear that even though I have an opportunity now, I might not be able to because for the position I need to have good dental hygiene and gum disease isn't allowable. so of course that has caused me to overthink and worry about it.
If a trend like this about getting my life back on track this way is of interest or helps people I will continue it alongside my diary on my counselling session. I logged on today just to read around and get my head straight from overthinking, and I saw that my post had helped someone in a major way, considering what I am currently working through. I thought that maybe a thread on something like this might help someone too. I am fairly comfortable talking about things as I work on them, feel free to ask any questions you have.
