A note to husbands: a gentle reminder about your wife ~ I speak from experience

[Looking4Grace]

Hey all - I haven't been around too much lately but we are keeping on keeping on at my house. We now have three beautiful grandbabies and one more on the way. We are so blessed and love our new role as Nina and Papa. It's so awesome. We'll celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary in October, which marks 5 years since our lives completely changed due to a trauma re-enactment/acting out incident by my husband. We've had a lot of rough patches over these last 5 years, but we've also grown closer to one another in a way that I never imagined we would or could. Silver lining? Perhaps, but I will take all the silver linings that come our way. I just wanted to share a few pieces of wisdom that could potentially fill in some gaps for both husbands and the wives who love them and support them and are carrying this trauma with them.

My note to husbands who want to support their wives in this journey of walking together through navigating trauma, betrayal and life, in general, when you are a Survivor:

1. Please be sure to remind your wife/partner occasionally (or more often, if you can) that you are in this together, come what may.
2. Listen to her, even if it feels like criticism or judgment - trust me, it isn't. She is expressing her fear, her worry, her heart. Please listen to her.
3. Respect her boundaries. If she is like me, her boundaries will evolve over time. It is her way of coping, grieving, accepting.
4. Please try to earn her trust back.
5. Please love her unconditionally.
6. Please make her feel like she is still the center of your life, even if/when it feels like you are so lost and absorbed by your own raging storm that you can't see anything other than the rage and anger you feel. She's your lighthouse.
7. Communication is key - even the hard stuff. Especially the hard stuff! Don't be silent and don't make her feel like she has to be/remain silent, either.
8. Be respectful. Do not belittle her. Do not use her as your punching bag (not literally, of course) because she's an easy target. She doesn't deserve that.
9. Honor her. Honor her by choosing to love her not only with your words, but in action. She understands that all of this is extremely difficult, but mostly she just wants to feel like you still honor her, your marriage/partnership and your life together.
10. Just be yourself. Grow together. Give her a chance to show you that she loves you, honors you and respects you right back. Choose each other - every.single.day.

Grace, peace and love to all,
L4G

 

[david1965]

Thank you. That was a sweet reminder and perhaps a gentle kick in the butt.

 

[Healing light]

Hey all - I haven't been around too much lately but we are keeping on keeping on at my house. We now have three beautiful grandbabies and one more on the way. We are so blessed and love our new role as Nina and Papa. It's so awesome. We'll celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary in October, which marks 5 years since our lives completely changed due to a trauma re-enactment/acting out incident by my husband. We've had a lot of rough patches over these last 5 years, but we've also grown closer to one another in a way that I never imagined we would or could. Silver lining? Perhaps, but I will take all the silver linings that come our way. I just wanted to share a few pieces of wisdom that could potentially fill in some gaps for both husbands and the wives who love them and support them and are carrying this trauma with them.

My note to husbands who want to support their wives in this journey of walking together through navigating trauma, betrayal and life, in general, when you are a Survivor:

1. Please be sure to remind your wife/partner occasionally (or more often, if you can) that you are in this together, come what may.
2. Listen to her, even if it feels like criticism or judgment - trust me, it isn't. She is expressing her fear, her worry, her heart. Please listen to her.
3. Respect her boundaries. If she is like me, her boundaries will evolve over time. It is her way of coping, grieving, accepting.
4. Please try to earn her trust back.
5. Please love her unconditionally.
6. Please make her feel like she is still the center of your life, even if/when it feels like you are so lost and absorbed by your own raging storm that you can't see anything other than the rage and anger you feel. She's your lighthouse.
7. Communication is key - even the hard stuff. Especially the hard stuff! Don't be silent and don't make her feel like she has to be/remain silent, either.
8. Be respectful. Do not belittle her. Do not use her as your punching bag (not literally, of course) because she's an easy target. She doesn't deserve that.
9. Honor her. Honor her by choosing to love her not only with your words, but in action. She understands that all of this is extremely difficult, but mostly she just wants to feel like you still honor her, your marriage/partnership and your life together.
10. Just be yourself. Grow together. Give her a chance to show you that she loves you, honors you and respects you right back. Choose each other - every.single.day.

Grace, peace and love to all,
L4G

Thank you for sharing

Peace HL

 

[Healing light]

Hey all - I haven't been around too much lately but we are keeping on keeping on at my house. We now have three beautiful grandbabies and one more on the way. We are so blessed and love our new role as Nina and Papa. It's so awesome. We'll celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary in October, which marks 5 years since our lives completely changed due to a trauma re-enactment/acting out incident by my husband. We've had a lot of rough patches over these last 5 years, but we've also grown closer to one another in a way that I never imagined we would or could. Silver lining? Perhaps, but I will take all the silver linings that come our way. I just wanted to share a few pieces of wisdom that could potentially fill in some gaps for both husbands and the wives who love them and support them and are carrying this trauma with them.

My note to husbands who want to support their wives in this journey of walking together through navigating trauma, betrayal and life, in general, when you are a Survivor:

1. Please be sure to remind your wife/partner occasionally (or more often, if you can) that you are in this together, come what may.
2. Listen to her, even if it feels like criticism or judgment - trust me, it isn't. She is expressing her fear, her worry, her heart. Please listen to her.
3. Respect her boundaries. If she is like me, her boundaries will evolve over time. It is her way of coping, grieving, accepting.
4. Please try to earn her trust back.
5. Please love her unconditionally.
6. Please make her feel like she is still the center of your life, even if/when it feels like you are so lost and absorbed by your own raging storm that you can't see anything other than the rage and anger you feel. She's your lighthouse.
7. Communication is key - even the hard stuff. Especially the hard stuff! Don't be silent and don't make her feel like she has to be/remain silent, either.
8. Be respectful. Do not belittle her. Do not use her as your punching bag (not literally, of course) because she's an easy target. She doesn't deserve that.
9. Honor her. Honor her by choosing to love her not only with your words, but in action. She understands that all of this is extremely difficult, but mostly she just wants to feel like you still honor her, your marriage/partnership and your life together.
10. Just be yourself. Grow together. Give her a chance to show you that she loves you, honors you and respects you right back. Choose each other - every.single.day.

Grace, peace and love to all,
L4G

Thank you for sharing

Peace HL

 

[Looking4Grace]

Thank you. That was a sweet reminder and perhaps a gentle kick in the butt.

I think as husbands walking this path with their wives, it's hard to know - like truly and deeply know - that your wives are walking beside you, every step of the way and that they are very often hurting, too. Along the path they sometimes get pushed aside, used, hurt, betrayed and left alone to figure out where they stand in the midst of your storm. Our feelings are real. Our pain is real. We just want to be reminded sometimes that even though we are also grieving the life we thought we would have with you, we are still standing with you and offering unwavering support, grace, forgiveness and love. We accept that it looks different and we choose you. We choose us and our life. We are not the enemy ~ quite the opposite.

My husband forgets, too. He gets so caught up in his own head that he forgets that I'm still standing there too. I know it's not about me and that's not my intent - but, in reality, I still want reassurance sometimes that we're still walking the path together. It's hard for him to see me cry and it's hard for him to know that he has caused and does cause me pain due to his choices and the betrayal that has happened. It's easier to push that aside and I totally get that. I suppose that's why I offered this reminder to anyone who chooses to read it. If your wife is still in your life and still chooses every day to love and support you, then please cherish her.

Life is short. Choose joy.

 

[david1965]

It sounds like we are in the same stage of life. She and I have both verbalized that we are 35 years in so not going anywhere.

It easy to get absorbed in our own hurt and forget that even without all the extra pain caused by betrayal that in one way or another we tend to bring to the party, wives / partners carry a heavy burden. Just keeping confidence, and seeing us in pain and confused and angry is a heavy burden. Dealing with that and holding our hands so frequently while trying to trust is tough.

Cecil Murphey has a pretty good book for men , Not Quite Healed and he lays it out well for the men. It is a shared pain. It took a long time to see the pain she carried with the depression and anger and hurt.

He also wrote a companion for wives, When A Man You Love Was Abused. He does a pretty fair job of letting both sides see that the pain is mutual. Different but not easier.

Always good to be reminded. Our side forgets that your side needs support as well.

Thanks again

 

[Resurgam]

 

[Ivy2624]

Thanks for sharing this gentle reminder. Hope everyone reads this.

 

[Ivy2624]

Thanks for sharing this gentle reminder. Hope everyone reads this.