a little progress, I guess
I'm not feeling so good this morning. I have been working at a job for the last 2 and 1/2 months that has been so chaotic, for me as a survivor, that I got very depressed, to the point where I was constantly thinking about hurting myself. The good news is that I got another job I am starting next Monday so I know I only have 4 days left in this job.
The progress I refer to in the title of this email is that, despite feeling utterly desperate on Sunday night, like just being in my body was unbearable, I did not do any of the following: cut myself; drink alcohol; rent a porn; or listen to the very destructive music I was addicted to since being an adolescent. I did punch a wall, but not hard enough to really hurt my hand, and I didn't do it in front of my wife.
This is progress because I know that in the not so recent past if I had felt like that I would have done one of those things to dissociate and then things would have gotten worse from there. I would be started down a "downward spiral" at that point and probably would have started denying that my abuse ever happened.
What I have been doing is overeating and my buying too many CDs. I know that both of these activities help me dissociate. They are not as destructive as the others, but they're still compulsions. I think I will be able to reign these activities in once I start at my new job (pretty much my old job and I'm comfortable at that company).
I got really scared at this last job--the one I am going to leave to go to in 20 minutes--that I was going to wind up just breaking down and having to return to a hospital. That really bothers me. When I have felt the worst was when I was so broken down, swarmed with anxiety, that I absolutely couldn't do anything without freaking out. I had to have shock treatments at that point (which worked, amazingly enough). I don't ever want to be that nonfunctional again.
It's just really scary; I really believe that I have come a long way in my recovery, but this fragility that I have--man, it sure cuts into my image of myself as a professional who can handle pressure. Of course, this job was more full of triggers than any job I have had since I had to drop out of grad school and go into the hospital, eventually getting those ECT treatments. I am very glad I am getting out of there. Maybe I am partly feeling down just because I have to go there today and for the next three days.
Just thought I'd share this. It would be interesting to me if anyone wanted to share their problems with work related to survivor issues. I found a book last night for a dollar called something like "Abuse Recovery" and it has a section in it on problems that survivors frequently have with work.
Jeff
The progress I refer to in the title of this email is that, despite feeling utterly desperate on Sunday night, like just being in my body was unbearable, I did not do any of the following: cut myself; drink alcohol; rent a porn; or listen to the very destructive music I was addicted to since being an adolescent. I did punch a wall, but not hard enough to really hurt my hand, and I didn't do it in front of my wife.
This is progress because I know that in the not so recent past if I had felt like that I would have done one of those things to dissociate and then things would have gotten worse from there. I would be started down a "downward spiral" at that point and probably would have started denying that my abuse ever happened.
What I have been doing is overeating and my buying too many CDs. I know that both of these activities help me dissociate. They are not as destructive as the others, but they're still compulsions. I think I will be able to reign these activities in once I start at my new job (pretty much my old job and I'm comfortable at that company).
I got really scared at this last job--the one I am going to leave to go to in 20 minutes--that I was going to wind up just breaking down and having to return to a hospital. That really bothers me. When I have felt the worst was when I was so broken down, swarmed with anxiety, that I absolutely couldn't do anything without freaking out. I had to have shock treatments at that point (which worked, amazingly enough). I don't ever want to be that nonfunctional again.
It's just really scary; I really believe that I have come a long way in my recovery, but this fragility that I have--man, it sure cuts into my image of myself as a professional who can handle pressure. Of course, this job was more full of triggers than any job I have had since I had to drop out of grad school and go into the hospital, eventually getting those ECT treatments. I am very glad I am getting out of there. Maybe I am partly feeling down just because I have to go there today and for the next three days.
Just thought I'd share this. It would be interesting to me if anyone wanted to share their problems with work related to survivor issues. I found a book last night for a dollar called something like "Abuse Recovery" and it has a section in it on problems that survivors frequently have with work.
Jeff