*Triggers Possible* A Greeting (and About Me)
GuyHidden
Registrant
Hello all, I am new here. I would say that I am happy to be here, but I have mixed feelings on the subject- I am glad to have found a sanctuary of healing and connection, but of course it is unfortunate that what took place for me to be here happened at all.
You can call me Guy. I am 18, and am 3-4 years separated from what happened to me. I am shy (understatement) but opening up, I am in my first year of university, and I enjoy worldbuilding, creating art, writing poetry, and developing video games. The final item on that list is much rarer than the others, as it is a large commitment. However, I did create a relatively finished product that was a simple 1-hour game for my girlfriend- that was great fun. Other than that project, I have prototyped various mechanics such as an anxiety meter for a game about Social Anxiety Disorder, with which I am diagnosed. Luckily, my social anxiety has decreased by magnitudes over the past several months, but it is still a journey, and sharing my story on here is part of that journey.
Speaking of my story, I suppose I should get to why I am here.
The TLDR, in case you don't want to read all of this, as I did type a LOT, is at the bottom.
ALL letters used to refer to each person are completely random.
I am male survivor of adolescent sexual coercion when I was either late-14 or early-15 (the dates are hazy and things transpired over a few months around my birthday, so it could very well be both). It was the summer between middle school and high school, and I was with my boyfriend at the time for several months at this point. Let's call him B. B was a hypersexual teenager, and very quickly we began doing things that I was vaguely uncomfortable with, not enough to speak out but enough to make me uncomfortable. Then came the day when he asked me for a "favor"- oral sex. As I mentioned, the details are somewhat hazy, as I believe that my mind has repressed a lot of the event, but I said either "No" or "I don't really feel like it." He proceeded to beg me over and over again until I acquiesced. We continued to do it for a few months before B seemed to lose some of the desire to.
I realize now that recounting the event is more difficult than I would have thought it to be.
Soon after, I began to think that I was demisexual, which, for those who do not know, is under the family of asexuality and is when one must form a close connection with someone before feeling sexual attraction to them. I broke up with him several months later after finally realizing that something about what happened was wrong and that I was uncomfortable with B. Luckily, we went to different high schools. Years passed and I began to feel that I was asexual, not demisexual. I felt no sexual attraction- in fact, I was known by everyone around me as a prude and was very much repulsed by sex, be it in conversation, TV, or elsewhere. I told my parents what happened soon after breaking up with B, and they were disgusted with him, and supportive of me. I am very, very grateful for the parents that I have- I don't think I would have made it this far without them.
Just before my senior year of high school, just a year and a half ago now, I learned the term "sexual coercion." Before this, I was fully convinced that while what happened was horrible and traumatizing, because I eventually agreed to the act, that I was in the wrong and that there was nothing wrong with what happened. That was certainly what B thought. When I learned that this fell under sexual assault, I began to... heal? I contacted a help line, and I told my school counselor about what happened a few months later. That counselor convinced me to tell him B's name and school so that he could report him. I finally agreed to that, though I was quite nervous to do so. Nothing happened. He never got back to me about it.
At this time, I was dating the girlfriend between B and my current girlfriend. We can call her M. M and I were both convinced that I was asexual. I never considered her hot. At the time, cute, beautiful, amazing? Yes. Hot, sexy? No, I never really resonated with those words. Over time and healing, though, I began to regain my sexuality, I realized that I wasn't asexual, I was traumatized. I broke up with M for unrelated reasons.
Fast forward to about 11 months ago. I started dating my current girlfriend (let's call her Z). I was still quite sexually hesitant, and it took me a while to consider my girlfriend hot. I consider the first time I had sex with Z as my first time ever having sex. I didn't let B take that freedom and choice and moment away from me.
In terms of the sexual assault, everything was going great, the journey was difficult, but for a long time, my trauma wasn't on my mind. I had other issues- depression, anxiety, I almost fell into an eating disorder several times. Times were hard, but I made it through. I began college recently. Life was on the up! I felt good for a while, I was making new friends.
Just last Wednesday, 4 days ago, my father and I were discussing the state of our society and why people who experience sexual assault or harassment are afraid of speaking up. The discussion went deep, and it resurfaced memories. I remembered how I almost threw up when it happened the first time. It was a bad night, but I got over it. I learned that night that sexual coercion counts as rape. Before that, I had never considered what happened to me to be a big deal, and I still felt to a degree that it was my fault.
Friday came. I was hanging out with my friends when we saw a meeting for a club that we all wanted to join. We entered, and I saw my childhood friend (who I had known was in the club), who called me over. I said hi, but then I saw him for the first time for 3 years. B. He smiled at me. I had to leave early, while my friends were still inside. They eventually left and found me. When I told them what happened- they were wondering due to my clear distress- they were very supportive. However, I hated that I was put into a spot where I felt the need to share my trauma with my brand new friends of, at most, 3 weeks. I was lucky that they were all very kind.
My childhood friend messaged me saying that she is friends with B and thinks that it is hilarious that we know each other. They had to have been friends for at most 3 weeks, for the record, as they met at college, which started 3 weeks ago. I had a breakdown in the bathroom during a lecture that my friends and I attending after visiting the club, as seeing B's face for the first time since we broke up messed with me. A lot. It brought me back to that day.
I messaged my childhood friend about what happened and she was... vaguely dismissive. She said "I think he might not realize the extent of how that made you feel." She said this after learning that a friend she had just made raped her childhood friend. She said that a conversation would likely be helpful, but that it is my place. And so I decided to have a conversation.
I messaged him. That was when I learned that he lives in the same building, on the same floor as me. So I am meeting with him tonight to have what will no doubt be the most difficult conversation of my life up to this point. How do you tell someone that they are a rapist? Of course, I won't use that word, as I imagine he will deny and get defensive. I have gone over a hundred different scenarios of how I am going to react and what I am going to say. To be honest, I'm scared. Scared that seeing him again will send me back there, again.
Wish me luck.
TLDR: I was coerced into oral sex several times by my at-the-time boyfriend between middle and high school, I broke up with him months later. I didn't see him until just recently, when I learned that he goes to my university and lives on the same floor and dorm as me. I guess we are having a conversation tonight about it. In 3 hours. I am scared, but I need to do it, I think.
Apologies for typing so much! I think I really needed to get it all out. Thank you for reading
- Guy
You can call me Guy. I am 18, and am 3-4 years separated from what happened to me. I am shy (understatement) but opening up, I am in my first year of university, and I enjoy worldbuilding, creating art, writing poetry, and developing video games. The final item on that list is much rarer than the others, as it is a large commitment. However, I did create a relatively finished product that was a simple 1-hour game for my girlfriend- that was great fun. Other than that project, I have prototyped various mechanics such as an anxiety meter for a game about Social Anxiety Disorder, with which I am diagnosed. Luckily, my social anxiety has decreased by magnitudes over the past several months, but it is still a journey, and sharing my story on here is part of that journey.
Speaking of my story, I suppose I should get to why I am here.
The TLDR, in case you don't want to read all of this, as I did type a LOT, is at the bottom.
ALL letters used to refer to each person are completely random.
I am male survivor of adolescent sexual coercion when I was either late-14 or early-15 (the dates are hazy and things transpired over a few months around my birthday, so it could very well be both). It was the summer between middle school and high school, and I was with my boyfriend at the time for several months at this point. Let's call him B. B was a hypersexual teenager, and very quickly we began doing things that I was vaguely uncomfortable with, not enough to speak out but enough to make me uncomfortable. Then came the day when he asked me for a "favor"- oral sex. As I mentioned, the details are somewhat hazy, as I believe that my mind has repressed a lot of the event, but I said either "No" or "I don't really feel like it." He proceeded to beg me over and over again until I acquiesced. We continued to do it for a few months before B seemed to lose some of the desire to.
I realize now that recounting the event is more difficult than I would have thought it to be.
Soon after, I began to think that I was demisexual, which, for those who do not know, is under the family of asexuality and is when one must form a close connection with someone before feeling sexual attraction to them. I broke up with him several months later after finally realizing that something about what happened was wrong and that I was uncomfortable with B. Luckily, we went to different high schools. Years passed and I began to feel that I was asexual, not demisexual. I felt no sexual attraction- in fact, I was known by everyone around me as a prude and was very much repulsed by sex, be it in conversation, TV, or elsewhere. I told my parents what happened soon after breaking up with B, and they were disgusted with him, and supportive of me. I am very, very grateful for the parents that I have- I don't think I would have made it this far without them.
Just before my senior year of high school, just a year and a half ago now, I learned the term "sexual coercion." Before this, I was fully convinced that while what happened was horrible and traumatizing, because I eventually agreed to the act, that I was in the wrong and that there was nothing wrong with what happened. That was certainly what B thought. When I learned that this fell under sexual assault, I began to... heal? I contacted a help line, and I told my school counselor about what happened a few months later. That counselor convinced me to tell him B's name and school so that he could report him. I finally agreed to that, though I was quite nervous to do so. Nothing happened. He never got back to me about it.
At this time, I was dating the girlfriend between B and my current girlfriend. We can call her M. M and I were both convinced that I was asexual. I never considered her hot. At the time, cute, beautiful, amazing? Yes. Hot, sexy? No, I never really resonated with those words. Over time and healing, though, I began to regain my sexuality, I realized that I wasn't asexual, I was traumatized. I broke up with M for unrelated reasons.
Fast forward to about 11 months ago. I started dating my current girlfriend (let's call her Z). I was still quite sexually hesitant, and it took me a while to consider my girlfriend hot. I consider the first time I had sex with Z as my first time ever having sex. I didn't let B take that freedom and choice and moment away from me.
In terms of the sexual assault, everything was going great, the journey was difficult, but for a long time, my trauma wasn't on my mind. I had other issues- depression, anxiety, I almost fell into an eating disorder several times. Times were hard, but I made it through. I began college recently. Life was on the up! I felt good for a while, I was making new friends.
Just last Wednesday, 4 days ago, my father and I were discussing the state of our society and why people who experience sexual assault or harassment are afraid of speaking up. The discussion went deep, and it resurfaced memories. I remembered how I almost threw up when it happened the first time. It was a bad night, but I got over it. I learned that night that sexual coercion counts as rape. Before that, I had never considered what happened to me to be a big deal, and I still felt to a degree that it was my fault.
Friday came. I was hanging out with my friends when we saw a meeting for a club that we all wanted to join. We entered, and I saw my childhood friend (who I had known was in the club), who called me over. I said hi, but then I saw him for the first time for 3 years. B. He smiled at me. I had to leave early, while my friends were still inside. They eventually left and found me. When I told them what happened- they were wondering due to my clear distress- they were very supportive. However, I hated that I was put into a spot where I felt the need to share my trauma with my brand new friends of, at most, 3 weeks. I was lucky that they were all very kind.
My childhood friend messaged me saying that she is friends with B and thinks that it is hilarious that we know each other. They had to have been friends for at most 3 weeks, for the record, as they met at college, which started 3 weeks ago. I had a breakdown in the bathroom during a lecture that my friends and I attending after visiting the club, as seeing B's face for the first time since we broke up messed with me. A lot. It brought me back to that day.
I messaged my childhood friend about what happened and she was... vaguely dismissive. She said "I think he might not realize the extent of how that made you feel." She said this after learning that a friend she had just made raped her childhood friend. She said that a conversation would likely be helpful, but that it is my place. And so I decided to have a conversation.
I messaged him. That was when I learned that he lives in the same building, on the same floor as me. So I am meeting with him tonight to have what will no doubt be the most difficult conversation of my life up to this point. How do you tell someone that they are a rapist? Of course, I won't use that word, as I imagine he will deny and get defensive. I have gone over a hundred different scenarios of how I am going to react and what I am going to say. To be honest, I'm scared. Scared that seeing him again will send me back there, again.
Wish me luck.
TLDR: I was coerced into oral sex several times by my at-the-time boyfriend between middle and high school, I broke up with him months later. I didn't see him until just recently, when I learned that he goes to my university and lives on the same floor and dorm as me. I guess we are having a conversation tonight about it. In 3 hours. I am scared, but I need to do it, I think.
Apologies for typing so much! I think I really needed to get it all out. Thank you for reading
- Guy
