All Adult Sexual Acting Out is An Attempt To Reconnect With Ourselves
Kevin, I recall reading another post where you went into detail about your marriage relationship and the family dynamics there and why it didn't work out. Yes - if spouses cannot put each other first and above their family or origin and even their kids. Although there are situations where parents need to choose their kids first - but those are scenarios like CSA and not the situations you lived through. I'm so sorry. It's easy to head into relationship with someone and not really know all the dynamics of their relationships. Or, we know some of those dynamics but believe things will change after marriage.Thank you for sharing. I look back at my life and realize acting out and coping in different ways was our way to control and temporarily feel safe. I had a woman in my life on and off throughout college and a few year after who made me feel safe. Her family was tolerant and accepting of everyone, no judgment, abuse was not part of their life nor would they tolerate it. Unfortunately, in the end it did not workout--she never married and we are friends today. I still remember the laughs and feeling of safety. I did not have that again until about 7 years ago and to this day. I think having people who do not judge or put you behind others allows us to feel safe.
Trauam is so difficult to understand. I have friends who are doctors and the admit they cannot understand--they say talk to a professional. As I was unraveling and post op nurse gave incompetent advice as to trauma. Sadly, people believe what they hear. I hold no grudge because I have learned people who advise without knowledge only show their ignorance.
I wanted to be loved in marriage but it was not meant to be as to battle a spouse who put parents and siblings first, sadly before me or children. The children do no see the damage done and none have a meaningful relationship. I look back and say I should have told of the abuse years ago, but I could not. Why I could not feel safe with myself.
It is important we look at our coping mechanisms, because most are unhealthy. Once we confess to ourselves our lives were damaged we can begin to heal--easier said than done.
I know intimacy today and in college but had gaps--sometimes in marriage I felt safe and felt intimacy until I realized I was the whipping boy to be left and to be spat, locked in a room etc because a spouse did not realize spouses are to be number one--a unit for the family.
I read this and realize I have traveled a journey that seems to never end, but one where I have found happiness, love and safety.
Kevin
I'm glad you have found love and intimacy in life. Finding, losing, and finding new friendships & intimacy is something that is lifelong and never ending. People change, people leave, people die - and part of relationship is allowing those we care about to make their own choices even if that means changing the level of relational intimacy we have. Our kids are a prime example of this. So in that sense, we continually experience risk, connection, and then loss (even if the people are safe). We get the highs and lows. And oh to have a place where we don't have to live the roller coaster of it.
So yeah - coping with difficult and painful things is something we will inevitably do. Sometimes we learn and / or choose healthy ways of coping, and sometimes we don't. As CSA survivors, we entered adulthood packaged with some unhealthy ways but we can address those. And per the onion picture - we can address them at different "levels." We can try and change the surface behaviors and find another way to cope (taking out anger at a punching bag at the gym vs. a destructive way of coping with anger, for example). We can also invest the time and cost to cope via getting help to try to address the heart issues that led us to those unhealthy coping mechanisms. Again - it doesn't have to be one or the other but can be. Or it can be both.
Kudos to you and your journey; for having found happiness, love, and safety in the midst of loneliness and loss.