Venting about difficulty relating to other men and the role it plays in sexual abuse

[Syans]

I have difficulty in being comfortable with my body because it has feminine parts

I am intersex person

Men treat me different but dont own up to it. They blame me. I have so many problems.

People think that feminine means the same thing as non-masculine. It does not. Those aspects can exist concurrently.

When I was 8/9 I developed breasts and other boys my age would start groping me and I was made fun of by my siblings. I complained (because I knew this was wrong) but was instead told that is was my fault for not doing sports. In their mind fat is the same thing as breast tissue. Basically when the other boys would grope me and stuff it was seen as okay and if I had a problem with it I would have to work out to get rid of the breast. I found it very violating to be groped and I am upset they didn't get in trouble for it. My siblings would also make fun of me and I am upset my parents never said anything to them about how that is not okay. I believed that I had brought this stuff on me as punishment for me not working out/do sports so I hated myself and my body for a long time and thought I deserved groping/ being made fun of. I would later go in shape but breast didn't go away.

 

[Syans]

It feels like I have been made to feel lesser than other men because I am not as assertive, muscular etc. Supposedly it is super bad to sexually harass children, but if it's being done to reinforce the dominant masculinity then it is fine then. Like, what the fuck. I feel like I am constantly being treated like shit by guys and I'm just supposed to take it because they're the dominant class and I'm not. And then I can't complain because it's my fault apparently that they sexually harass me.

 

[Jay_Talk2Me]

Defend yourself. Even if it means you're going to get your a** kicked. When you learn to stand up for yourself, your life will change.

 

[Syans]

I wish

Defend yourself. Even if it means you're going to get your a** kicked. When you learn to stand up for yourself, your life will change.

Absolutely not.

My understanding of assertiveness goes between two extremes, doormat and overly-aggresive. The reason I am going slow with assertiveness is not because I am afraid of getting pushed around by other people, it's because when I become assertive I get way too aggressive and people become afraid of me. Being assertive doesn't solve my problems and it makes me feel like shit. I am not taking your advice.

 

[Syans]

I understand that you're trying to help, but I'm just venting I'm not looking for advice right now.

 

[Healing light]

I hear you
I'm sorry that you have faced this and that the other children weren't challenged regarding their behaviour

I was raised in a very large extended family unit, an environment where the strongest kid got there own way
An environment where men and women were expected to act a certain way. Very specific gender roles

I was small with not alot of interest in sports that never went in my favour.
Despite my lack of interest I was taught bare knuckle boxing and expected to defend myself physically

Back in the real world, where it's not legal to punch someone to instil a boundary I have very few skills to create and instil them. I'm just learning now

I'd say be kind to your inner child who should have had support
And be kind to yourself now

Assertive and aggression don't need to go hand in hand
Personally I'm learning assertive body language as I hope this will assist me

Wishing you Peace in your healing journey HL

 

[Induna]

I grew breasts in adolescence. It had nothing to do with my masculinity, gender, sex, sexuality, whatever. That's just who I am. They are there whether I am fat or thin.

Whatever shame I've carried because of my body is on me. It was harder because I thought of my body as my enemy because desire opened the door to need and need to being vulnerable and being vulnerable to being a monster, or so I believed and used to build my prison. That's also on me. I can't blame any of this on what was done to me so long ago even as I acknowledge the desperation that rape and a fucked up family caused me to feel as a boy. I brought all of that forward into my life and never did the work to face my pain and fears.

So, if anyone makes fun of you because of having breasts, fuck them. They're idiots behaving like children.

 

[brother2none]

Defend yourself. Even if it means you're going to get your a** kicked.

Totally uncalled-for comment. Very insensitive to the moment. My heart breaks to see this in words. Why anyone would do something to get their "ass kicked" makes no sense at all.

When you learn to stand up for yourself, your life will change.

This part, alone, has some value. When I learned to stand up for myself, which took most of my lifetime to do, I had to shed so much insecurity caused by being sexually abused, that it is true that my life did change. I'm not sure what the OP was meaning by "change" and I doubt actually that change would have happened in the experience in the moment.

I understand that you're trying to help, but I'm just venting I'm not looking for advice right now.

Yeah you go!!!!

 

[Jay_Talk2Me]

Totally uncalled-for comment. Very insensitive to the moment. My heart breaks to see this in words. Why anyone would do something to get their "ass kicked" makes no sense at all.

This part, alone, has some value. When I learned to stand up for myself, which took most of my lifetime to do, I had to shed so much insecurity caused by being sexually abused, that it is true that my life did change. I'm not sure what the OP was meaning by "change" and I doubt actually that change would have happened in the experience in the moment.

Yeah you go!!!!

"Totally uncalled-for comment. Very insensitive to the moment. My heart breaks to see this in words. Why anyone would do something to get their "ass kicked" makes no sense at all."

If your son was getting bullied at school everyday or witnessed a sister being abused by a boyfriend... what would you tell your son to do?

 

[Jay_Talk2Me]

I understand that you're trying to help, but I'm just venting I'm not looking for advice right now.

I did not mean to sound cold or disparaging, I apologize if I did. But I would tell my son what I told you, out of love.

"Self defense is not just a set of techniques, it's a state of mind that begins with the belief that you are worth defending” -Rorion Gracie

 

[Syans]

I did not mean to sound cold or disparaging, I apologize if I did. But I would tell my son what I told you, out of love.

"Self defense is not just a set of techniques, it's a state of mind that begins with the belief that you are worth defending” -Rorion Gracie

---

I'm sorry for being mean to you. I have a very negative view of what men are and I don't know why I feel that way.

I won't be able to follow your advice because the groping I described happened a long time ago. It's not currently happening.

Sexual assault I experience nowadays guys normally do from a car (like honking at me or yelling at me). It's not really stuff I feel I can defend myself against but I'm open to suggestions on how to deal with it if you have any.