Hearing my little boy

[i-m-Bri]

I’m having this crazy two-way conversation with my inner boy over the whole telling thing.

Boy: Why would I tell anyone?
Adult: To break the silence

Boy: It would only smear me in shame and shit.
Adult: You don’t know that

Boy: Yes, I fucking do.
Adult: No…

Boy: Yes, then they’d know
Adult: Know what

Boy: You tell people you have a problem when you want help to fix it.
These things happened.
There was nothing to fix.
Adult: They could help fix you

Boy: No. Stay away
Adult: If not to fix you, could you help me. Cause right now I’ve spent my life managing this silence. Always being strong. Always coming out OK…and I can’t let anyone in closer than I can control.

The boy listened but couldn’t take anymore today and walked away.

Seeing myself this clearly is astonishing. I never went to anyone with my problems. My silence went well beyond shame from the assault. I’m talking about small life problems every kid faces. I never asked for help. In fact, I prickled when it was noticed I needed it. Why did I have to keep everyone so far away?

 

[Brazilian Survivor]

That’s a really strong conversation that you have whit yourself, and understand your pain, i think someday i will learn to talk whit my inner child i hope. Everyone has your time man, and it’s so much to handle, i hope we can heal and learning how to live a good life