Feeling lost
When I reconciled with my on-again off-again boyfriend about a year ago, I took things really slow. No sex for the first 9 months, friendship to love type of thing. Told him I am dating for marriage so if this was not his interest to please let me go. After dating for a year, I expected a proposal (which I made clear). We had a heartfelt conversation where he expressed fear of unknown origin that prevented him from proposing, but also he asked me to move in. I was surprised and asked over and over "are you sure?" to which he said yes and he was excited to live with his favorite person.
Then, two weeks before my move-in our whole world imploded. I found out he had been engaging in a porn addiction and drinking heavily behind my back. During the confrontation, he suddenly realized and revealed to both of us that he was a victim of CSA. Obviously, this immediately took priority over my feeling of betrayal. I was still moving in, but the mood has shifted - I became preoccupied with his periods of anxiety/freeze response and supporting his newfound sobriety, while the rest of my energy was spent on feelings of anger at him and sadness for myself following his betrayal.
For the first month of living together, I helped him find a therapist. We found a great one, who seems like an ideal fit for his trauma, and he has been to 6 appointments so far. I have been seeing a therapist myself during the past year, doing EMDR because I want to be my best self for my future kids and husband. But of course, all of my sessions lately have been focused on navigating this new relationship struggle.
I decided for myself that I will stay with him while we are going through this, in hopes that we both heal and grow stronger together. I shared this with him to reassure him I will not abandon him during this most difficult time in our lives.
He repeatedly expressed a new fear of his - that he will be an awful father and pass on his trauma to our future kids. I challenged this by pointing out all the positive changes he has made in the past 2 months. But he does not feel that way. He tells me he feels fear and overwhelming loud anxiety all day long.
Well, last night he told me he needs to be alone, meaning out of our relationship. He fears falling back into the addiction patterns and not being able to control his anger. I felt hurt and restated that a time of personal crisis is not a good time to make huge decisions. I just want him to give this a chance. I've known him for over a decade and haven't seen him sober for this long of a time. I haven't seen him this miserable before either. I want to see him heal... I feel like this breakup attempt is him falling into old patterns as well. I asked for a few months more to keep living together and to give therapy time to work.
Now I am at a loss. I am realizing that most likely we will end up parting ways. But to see a switch from a man who wanted to marry me and have a family to someone who doesn't know what he wants in the future all within two months is devastating. Is there hope for us? I hate that we are both miserable but hoped it would be temporary. Just trying to make sense of a very complicated situation with a man I still love, even though I suspect he never knew what love was.
Then, two weeks before my move-in our whole world imploded. I found out he had been engaging in a porn addiction and drinking heavily behind my back. During the confrontation, he suddenly realized and revealed to both of us that he was a victim of CSA. Obviously, this immediately took priority over my feeling of betrayal. I was still moving in, but the mood has shifted - I became preoccupied with his periods of anxiety/freeze response and supporting his newfound sobriety, while the rest of my energy was spent on feelings of anger at him and sadness for myself following his betrayal.
For the first month of living together, I helped him find a therapist. We found a great one, who seems like an ideal fit for his trauma, and he has been to 6 appointments so far. I have been seeing a therapist myself during the past year, doing EMDR because I want to be my best self for my future kids and husband. But of course, all of my sessions lately have been focused on navigating this new relationship struggle.
I decided for myself that I will stay with him while we are going through this, in hopes that we both heal and grow stronger together. I shared this with him to reassure him I will not abandon him during this most difficult time in our lives.
He repeatedly expressed a new fear of his - that he will be an awful father and pass on his trauma to our future kids. I challenged this by pointing out all the positive changes he has made in the past 2 months. But he does not feel that way. He tells me he feels fear and overwhelming loud anxiety all day long.
Well, last night he told me he needs to be alone, meaning out of our relationship. He fears falling back into the addiction patterns and not being able to control his anger. I felt hurt and restated that a time of personal crisis is not a good time to make huge decisions. I just want him to give this a chance. I've known him for over a decade and haven't seen him sober for this long of a time. I haven't seen him this miserable before either. I want to see him heal... I feel like this breakup attempt is him falling into old patterns as well. I asked for a few months more to keep living together and to give therapy time to work.
Now I am at a loss. I am realizing that most likely we will end up parting ways. But to see a switch from a man who wanted to marry me and have a family to someone who doesn't know what he wants in the future all within two months is devastating. Is there hope for us? I hate that we are both miserable but hoped it would be temporary. Just trying to make sense of a very complicated situation with a man I still love, even though I suspect he never knew what love was.
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