Zzzzzzz....

[teimosa]

Perhaps I could get some feedback here. Some of you might remeber that I am in a long distance relationship with my BF who is CSA (we both have a history of physical and emotional abuse as well).

We get to see each other about once a month. Though we have been friends for many years, we are very new in this committed relationship. We spend a lot of time on the phone. We talk everyday. Our conversations have been known to last on excess of 8 hours sometimes (though lately we have been trying to keep it down to 3-4 hours a night). I love talking to my BF and we do have a lot to discuss. The only problem is is that sometimes, I find myself dozing off (only for a couple of seconds at a time) during some of the conversations. I don't realize it until he asks me something related to a statement that he made and I find that I am lost.

My days tend to be very long, I have to be at work by 8 am with a 45 minute commute...I don't get home sometimes until 9 or 10 pm...After work I either have to go to school or I go to my martial arts class, this week I have been really swamped becuase I have papers due and the work is rather rigorous). This is not to say that he doesn't have long days also, becuase he does. For some reason or another, he seems to be able to just stay up all night and go to work and still be able to function (he is in a time zone 3 hours later than mine!)

I guess the thing that makes me feel really bad is that on two occasions when this happened he was sharing some important stuff with me. He was really hurt and felt that I was unavailable to him. He said that he felt really stupid becuase he was digging really deep to share some things with me and that I wasn't present for the conversation. I felt terrible and very guilty. I don't really know what to do or how to make things right. On the one hand, I know that I didn't do it deliberately and I had no intention of being insensitive, sometimes sleep just hits me and I don't even realize that I am as exhausted as I am. I don't want him to feel like he can't talk to me or that I am not interested in his feelings or what he has to say, becuase there is nothing further from the truth. All I could do was apologize, but I feel like that is so lame. I know that consistancy is very important to him, so I am very consciencous of making sure that my behavior is predictable. He know what times of day I am available to talk to him and I make a conscious effort to be available during those times. Unfortunaly we have to have the majority of our conversations at night when I am winding down from the business of the day. It really is not the best time, energy-wise, for me to talk, but it is the onyl feasible time of the day that we can talk at any length. Has anyone else had any experiences like that?

Teimosa

 

[SandyW]

Why don't you guys try emailing each other? That way you can read and respond when you are fully concious, and he can be sure you get all of what he has to say. By the way, it will lower your phone bill.

 

[Freedom]

Hi,

SandyW has a good idea. But the two of you need to brainstorm and come up with something that really works well for both of you.

Unfortunately, as my best friend says, you cannot store sleep. You need to take care of yourself as you support him.

Peace,
Freedom.

 

[Lloydy]

tell him you want some extra beauty sleep - just for him

Dave

ps. email's the answer

 

[teimosa]

I would love to e-mail him. but he doesn't have the capabilities (no computer and really no access to one either). I tried to apologize to him, but now he is telling me that he feels that I don't respect his feelings. I asked him what I could do to make him feel differently but he said he really didn't know. Unfortunately the conversation tonight really didn't improve much. I suggested therapy, but he didn't really seem to appriciate me bringing it up when I did. I am really at a loss right now as to what to do. I feel like if I don't talk to him, it will make him feel insecure and when I do talk to him and I get tired then he gets upset with me....

 

[Lloydy]

I am really at a loss right now as to what to do. I feel like if I don't talk to him, it will make him feel insecure and when I do talk to him and I get tired then he gets upset with me...

You have to be firm I think, point out to him that you are BOTH trapped in this spiral. Get together and sort out some boundaries.

Dare I suggest that you're both feeling insecure for slightly different reasons ?

Dave

 

[Freedom]

Hi,

Lloydy makes good points. (As usual.

This is a great opportunity to start learning adult problem solving.

BTW, I wonder, if there is really an issue that he is not verbalizing.

Tough spot but go easy and do not overeact; he may be doing that already.

Peace,
Freedom.

 

[SandyW]

I tried to apologize to him, but now he is telling me that he feels that I don't respect his feelings.

Honestly, who here is not respecting the other persons feelings, or needs for that matter? It seems like he is playing a control game here by not allowing you the sleep you need.

I know that consistancy is very important to him, so I am very consciencous of making sure that my behavior is predictable.

Yes, your behavior is predictable. You are exhausted. You need sleep. Therefore, you sleep. And just think...this makes him upset. He seems to be using your predictability to manipulate you.

Dave couldn't have said it better...

Get together and sort out some boundaries.

Set a reasonable limit on the call, like an hour or two so you can get to bed. How about going back to the old fashioned letter? Even if he can't get near a computer, a mailbox shouldn't be a problem. Just think...could re-read them when he's feeling lonely and insecure...the anticipation of coming home to a letter from him waiting for you...quiet reflection as you pen your reply to him. I just thought of this...no wonder relationships were longer lasting back then.

Sandy

 

[Lloydy]

Sandy - that's a good point, writing letters.

We think slower and more clearly when we write, whether by letters or email, and try harder to convey exactly what we mean and get it right because we can't explain a point as we go along as we can when talking.

When my brother in Canada was suffering clinical depression we emailed every day, and it was far more emotional than talking on the phone. We could print the emails and read them over when replying, think about what we were going to say. We shared some powerful things across the Atlantic during that time.

Dave

 

[Cement]

***THIS MIGHT BE TOO STRONGLY WORDED***

Hey there...

Just putting in my two cents, and you know how my two cents turns into a good half a dollar...

I really think there is something to the safe distance of your relationship and the fear that we abused (that's me, YOU, him and everyone here) have of getting too close to someone juxtaposing itself to the desire to be on the phone and talk for such marathon sessions.

I know I addressed this in our PM's, but your boundaries are being pushed PAST their limits!

I said this before, and everyone knows I just say stuff, so tell me to f off if I am out of line, but I know you, I talk to you, not to him. It is you I know and therefore am concerned for.

Here I go...get off the damn phone.

And this is not the first, nor even second time he has balked at the idea of therapy.

By putting so much focus on him and his needs and his issues I feel (notice that verb, I don't REALLY know either one of you, but that ain't stoppin' me now) you are hiding from your own growth.

I know you have a long time in with this guy; that means to me that you will have a future as well, IF IT IS MEANT TO BE. You needn't worry that you have betrayed him - if anything, you have betrayed yourself. After all, isn't that what we do?

To finish off, please ignore whatever of this you find wrong or too strongly worded. Now, Get Off The Phone!

James

 

[teimosa]

Thanks for the input everyone. We had a flare up the other day, but were able to at least come back to some equilibrium. Im not really sure what his position is about therapy. When I talked to him about it again, he told me that he was not oppsed to the idea. He is afraid that he will come all the way out here to be with me, start going to T with me only for me to wakw up and discover that our relationship is dysfunctional and start distancing myself from him. He asks me for a lot of guarantees about thigs. The fact of the matter is that I love him and am committed to this relationship. I don't really like giving guarantees, becuase I don't think anything is really guranteed, but to tell him that would speak very loudly to his insecurities.

I think that I am really approaching this phone thing the worng way. The fact is, that when I am actually on the phone with him for all that time, I don't feel like I need to get off the phone, most if the time I even lose track of the time, when it becomes an issue is when I get tired and fall asleep. I guess I need to stop blaming him for the whole phone thing and exercise some self control on my own behalf and as Cement so artfully said "GET OFF THE PHONE!"

I am not trying to imply that I am the one that is all right and completely healthy and everything, becuase God knows that I have my own issues and I have had a really emotional week (found out some information about the my brother's murderer from 20 years ago and had some really painful realizations about a past relationship of my own). It has been emotionally exhausting for me and I really haven't had the most patience (aside from the fact that I am just tired...reassuring my BF each and every day and being really acutely aware of his stuff can also be exhausting sometimes....) Fact is though, that he is always willing to hear me when I am going through me stuff, so I fell really badle when I am "unavailable" (aka ZZZZzzzzz) to hear his stuff.

 

Allelujiah, james!

At this point, your relationship should be strong enough to withstand "i'm really tired, i'll talk to you tommorrow. love you, bye"

jg