zombie

zombie
T

Trevor

Registrant
i feel like a zombie rite now i think its
the medicine. like i feel like i wanna
get mad cuz i was up early thinking about
my mom but i cant get mad. it feels funny.
does anybody know what im talking about?
or am i just talking shit and making
myself feel like this? like in my head?
sarah my stepsistr said lotts of my problms
are just in my head that i make myself
crazy. so i told her its NOT in my head that
next time she gets gangfucked against her
will to just pretend like it was all in her head! and her ansr to that was "dont talk in that language to me" i probly shouldnt push her so much on this. but oh well. i dont wanna feel
so angry and sick and scared and fucked up all
the time anymore so i just do what i hafto do
to get bettr i guess. last week i went to visit my mom for a couple days to see how she
was doing. shes wicked depresed and kept talking
about how she ruined evrybodys lifes and she
kept saying shes sorry and she loves me.
and i love her to cuz shes my mom and i know
shes been hurt and needs help to. but thats no
excuse for trying to have sex w ur own son
is it? i dont care how drunk or high she was
she just shouldnt try that kind of thing. she
never did nothing cuz i wouldnt let her i would
just have keep pushing her away till finally
she would be to drunk to even stand so id help
her to bed and she would just pass out and
then the next day she wouldnt even remember
anything about the night B4. but she always
trys to put her hands all over me and it makes
me fucking sick ;( but now that shes in
the hospital im hoping she gets better soon.
 
it is confusing isnt it? you both love her, and hate her all at the same time. it is okay to love the person, and to hate something they do. i know you are in a hard time in your healing, and i hope and pray you find your way through as quickly as possible. there are no short-cuts, but some make faster progress than others. i hope yours comes quickly, so you can find a little healing and happiness.

jeff
 
ya i love her and i hate her and i wanna
see her get better and be like a real
mom should be and sometimes i wanna
kill her for stuff shes tried on me and
for leaving me alone with those sickos.
only reason why i even still talk to
her or go see her or try to help is cuz
i know shes just sick and cant help it
sometimes. or maybe im just a idiot
and making up excuses for her. thats
probly more like it. but i at least
know she loves me even if she dont
always show it or even if she trys
to show it in fucked up ways
 
Trev,

This would be a terrible situation for any adult to be in, specifically because of all the mixed and confusing feelings you have. For a teenager it HAS to be a lot worse. Don't blame yourself for how you feel; it's entirely natural.

You are NOT going crazy; Sarah is wrong there, but again, she is just trying to help on the basis of no real correct information. What is happening is that all the high-powered emotions about what has happened to you and what it all means are hitting you from everywhere at once. That's a rough thing to go through - for anyone.

I think that through all this you are keeping a good perspective. Just keep talking, it does help.

Much love,
Larry
 
Trevor,
All I can add is hang in there. You are totally on the right track. Let the feelings come and go - please never apologize for them. Let them out. You're a strong and amazing young man. You have endured the unimaginable. Be kind to yourself above all.
Paul
 
i dont fucking blame myself for
how i feel i blame THEM there the ones
who fucked me up and made me feel
like shit all the time. then they
just expect me to get over it?
fuck them im not getting over SHIT
until they see what they done!
just cuz i say i love my mom and
dont blame her dont mean shes not
gonna hear about it someday.
just not right now but when
shes bettr and thinks evrything is
cool and with another new asshole
boyfriend im gonna let her know
exactly what i think about her
and evrything thats happened.
bitch :mad:
 
I think that I just said this to another member here at MS, but I'll say it to you too Trev.

Some people have no fucking business having kids period, and although I'm pleased to have met you and honored that you share your experience with us, I also find it sad that so many good people, people just like you Trev, that have to pay such a terrible price for the momentary discretions of their parents that are having sex but not thinking realistically about what raising a child means.

You deserved a better family Trevor.

This isn't rag on Trevor's family day, I'm just trying to help you focus on the fact that all the problems that have resulted from your abuse were NOT YOU FAULT, and if some of your family get's upset by your bahavior, TOO FUCKING BAD. Right?
 
ya too fucking bad !!!! :mad:
its there problem not mine
i kinda know its not my fault
i guess. but thanks for
saying it again
 
Trev,

kinda know its not my fault
i guess.
Click to expand...
THAT's one you need to keep in kind every day. It wasn't your fault then, and it's not your fault now.

Much love,
Larry
 
i know its not my fault
now. it mostly wasnt my
fault then. but maybe like
2% of it was.
 
I know what you mean Trev, but even that little bit you will eventually let go of.

Many times we look back and think "I could have said this" or "done that", etc., but hindsight is always 20/20, as the saying goes. And remember, you are going through a period of really fast maturing right now, emotionally and socially as well as physically. Believe me, MANY things that seem obvious to you now did not look so clear only a year or so ago.

We are really being unfair to ourselves when we look back and use our minds as they are now to judge ourselves for what we did or didn't do when we were younger. For example, when I was first abused I can see clearly that had I run out of the bedroom and out the door, I could have saved myself. The abuser would NOT have chased me down the street in his underwear! But that's me thinking at age 57. Want to know what I did at age 11? I froze, cried, and did what I was told. I didn't SEE that I had any choice, and THAT's the difference.

Much love,
Larry
 
ya but even back then i
knew i had a choice. maybe
not the first time cuz i
said yes but i didnt know
he meant sex or i would have
said no. i just mean that
i always fought back and i
always just opend my mouth
and said what i felt about it
even tho i knew it would make
it worse i did anyways. i mean
it would have happened
anyways but if i just kept
my mouth shut i wouldnt
have got it so bad.
so like instead of just shutting
the fuck up when eric told me
to i kept going and end up with
my teeth knocked out. like if i
just shut up like he told me
he would have just gone
away. i pushed. thats the
part that where things
were my fault.
 
I see where you are going with this Trev, but if a guy speaks up to defend himself and then gets hurt even more, that doesn't make it his fault. That just makes the crimes of the abusers even worse. See what I mean?
 
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