Yuk!***Triggers***

[don64]

*******Triggers*******

I've been feeling anxious and nauseous since early this morning. I won't go into detailed specifics because it's just too gross to put into words, but I found myself involuntarily screaming at her to get cerain body parts off me. I finally am at the feeling level of her forcing me to be sexual with her in early childhood. I of course didn't understand anything about what was happening, but I did understand that she was hitting me, pinching me, and verbally threatening me to make me be still while she did what she wanted to with me. Mostly using my hands and arms as a human dildo, I now understand. The whole thing just makes me sick. I have had an intellectual understanding of this for some time, but it never occurred to me that I would actually dredge up feeling level memories from my own guts. It makes me feel poisoned from the inside. And, the element of total domination of me is beyond my power to describe. It majorly fucked me up. I hope this process is part of majorly un-fucking me up. Right now I just feel as if I am swimming in a poisonous soup.

Don

 

[traveler]

(((((((Don))))))) -

so sorry for your pain and re-experiencing of dark memories.
offering prayers and comforting thoughts on your behalf.

- Lee

 

[Bardo]

Don,
Wishing you peace and a safe passage through this rough time. I believe that these episodes are part of the healing process, however horrible they are.

All the best,
Freeman

 

[Nothing Man]

Don, I'm so sorry these memories have re-emerged and are tormenting you. Please remember you have already survived the assault, the assault is over and you have survived. You have survived. All that remains are the memories, and you are now safe.

I am wishing for peace and serenity for you, Don.

Mike

 

[don64]

Thanks Lee, Freeman and Mike,

I'm in a pretty primitive place with this. I feel like a little kid, and am just crying here thinking about this. I can see myself at 2 and three with the above scenario and just holding my little hands up to ward off being hit. Somehow I've carried that expectation of being hit with me throughout my life. I've never been in situations where I have been hit since I left my parents house and went away to school, but there has been an unconscious expectation that I will be hit if I don't please people, even or especially at my expense.

During this hermit period, I truly hope this round of clearing begins to open the space in me where I know what is right for me FIRST, and my creative energies and intentions move from that place inside me. Even during this last time out in the world of people, which I consider a nice success for me, I still just automatically went into the helpful role. It's clear to me that I have yet to fit myself in with people where my own needs are present from the beginning, and can be held in focus for me.

Thanks for your support. I'm feeling very tender and easily bruised right now.

Don

 

[bluesky]

Don
I am so sorry that you are going through a hard time. I hope and pray that healing and peace embrace you. Take care of your self and thank you for all the times your words have helped lift me from the depths of darkness.
Sending you my care and compassion.

 

[Jay1946]

Don:

How were you able to connect with those feelings? I ask because I feel a need to do the same myself. There are feelings that I've recognized intellectually but have have not been to connect to so far.

 

[don64]

Thanks Bluesky for your caring and support. Don

 

[don64]

Hi Jay,

I know a LOT intellectually that I have not felt emotionally. As I have consciously opened to the possibility of doing brain stem work, which is work at the level of instinct, written very early, and very difficult to access by higher brain functions, I find myself tapping in to brain stem memories. That's my best guess. This is the first time I have had an emotional memory connect with the previous intellectual awareness. My most serious damage was in infancy through I'm guessing 3 1/2. My mother had two other children at that point, and my father left for Korea.

The feelings and understandings I'm now uncovering are infancy and on. Since I had this first rage outburst connect, I'm finding as I connect my rage to a source since this first time, I'm moving back into infancy. It is satisfying work to touch myself as a baby, feel the feelings, from my current adult self send love and compassion, and hold that early version of me in SAFETY. I didn't have safety from the woman who birthed me. I believe as I do this my infant self will heal, and all of me heals going forward.

My feeling is there is a natural healing process always operating, and the smartest thing I can do is stay out of the way and just pay attention to what comes up. That's what I've been doing for many years, and even though I go through very frustrating and even dark times, I always find an elegance to the process in hindsight.

Best of luck to you with patience. I believe things come up when the time is right. You never know what tools you may need to acquire to support the uncovering of new material. That's what always seems true for me. I recently moved back into hermit status again. I needed the solitude I now have in order to do the work I'm doing now. With people, I probably would have completely missed the emotional connect and would have been projecting all these feelings on others.

Don

 

[don64]

Since my original post, I have come to understand that the early abuse from my mother (I'm still not having concrete and connected emotions with detailed events from my father) produced the program that said I could never feel my real feelings, because to do so could be lethal. I also now understand this is where my contingent thinking originated--the program that said how I think or feel is completely contingent on what I imagined "other" wanted or needed. There is a me in here, and I intend to uncover me.

Don