You shall know the truth ...
I had a massively intense session with my therapist today, but now I know how Little Bear survived.
Somehow, somewhere, a long, long time ago, he grabbed hold of a Bible verse (John 8:32) and made it his keystone - "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."
He believed in Truth. He had faith in Truth.
Now "Truth" with a capital "T" can be an incredibly abstract and complex concept - the world's greatest philosophers have spent their entire lives trying to understand Truth. But it can also be very, very simple - so simple, in fact, that a 5 year old can understand the difference between truth / lie, true / false, honesty / deception. He may not be able to express it in *words*, but he nevertheless still *knows*.
And Little Bear knew, at some deep level, that he had been told many, many lies, and he knew that he believed them. Lies told by an alcoholic father, a mentally ill mother, by his playmates, even lies he told to himself as he struggled to understand his experience growing up in that sort of craziness. And then, more lies, told by his perpetrator, by his church, by his teachers and employers, by sex partners, lovers, politicians and popes.
But through it all, Little Bear held on to his faith in Truth, and his belief that he would eventually know what that was - and he believed with all his heart that when he did know what Truth was, it would indeed set him free.
He spoke the words of John 8:32 today in a therapy session, then burst into the most painful tears & wailing I think I've ever experienced.
Now, this is kinda weird, talking about a part of me in the third person - because there's Little Bear, Big Bear, lots of other "parts" - and then something / someone else - Me - Self - I - Soul - Who I Really Am.
He is the one speaking / writing now.
I *got* it today and understand how I survived. I also understand why I so vehemently hate groups like "Courage" (Catholic "ex-gays"), Holocaust Deniers, and all people that LIE.
But I also acknowledge that sometimes he/we/I don't *know* what the Truth is, or more likely, how to frame it, how to place my experience in a context so it can be understood. And sometimes Truth really can be subjective - it's true that I am gay, just as it is true that many of you are straight.
But what happened today was this : I *got* it, that I have lived my entire life in search of / in honor of Truth, and I swore - fully consciously, Little, Big and "I/Me/Soul" all together - that Truth is what I will continue to seek for myself, for the rest of my life - no more secrets.
Immediately thereafter, I spilled some stuff to my therapist that I have NEVER said to ANYBODY ever before.
Five year olds believe in fairy tales, because they *know* that there is indeed a Truth behind them; that kind of belief is POWERFUL. Unite that with my adult belief that I can indeed heal - that as an adult I can sort out the Truth, and my own Truth, and fit it all together and live in this world, live in Truth - that's solid rock under the shifting sands of my survivor issues.
I'm staking my recovery on Truth, and I believe in it. I believe I can heal. I believe - no, I KNOW ...
I CAN DO THIS !!!!
Somehow, somewhere, a long, long time ago, he grabbed hold of a Bible verse (John 8:32) and made it his keystone - "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."
He believed in Truth. He had faith in Truth.
Now "Truth" with a capital "T" can be an incredibly abstract and complex concept - the world's greatest philosophers have spent their entire lives trying to understand Truth. But it can also be very, very simple - so simple, in fact, that a 5 year old can understand the difference between truth / lie, true / false, honesty / deception. He may not be able to express it in *words*, but he nevertheless still *knows*.
And Little Bear knew, at some deep level, that he had been told many, many lies, and he knew that he believed them. Lies told by an alcoholic father, a mentally ill mother, by his playmates, even lies he told to himself as he struggled to understand his experience growing up in that sort of craziness. And then, more lies, told by his perpetrator, by his church, by his teachers and employers, by sex partners, lovers, politicians and popes.
But through it all, Little Bear held on to his faith in Truth, and his belief that he would eventually know what that was - and he believed with all his heart that when he did know what Truth was, it would indeed set him free.
He spoke the words of John 8:32 today in a therapy session, then burst into the most painful tears & wailing I think I've ever experienced.
Now, this is kinda weird, talking about a part of me in the third person - because there's Little Bear, Big Bear, lots of other "parts" - and then something / someone else - Me - Self - I - Soul - Who I Really Am.
He is the one speaking / writing now.
I *got* it today and understand how I survived. I also understand why I so vehemently hate groups like "Courage" (Catholic "ex-gays"), Holocaust Deniers, and all people that LIE.
But I also acknowledge that sometimes he/we/I don't *know* what the Truth is, or more likely, how to frame it, how to place my experience in a context so it can be understood. And sometimes Truth really can be subjective - it's true that I am gay, just as it is true that many of you are straight.
But what happened today was this : I *got* it, that I have lived my entire life in search of / in honor of Truth, and I swore - fully consciously, Little, Big and "I/Me/Soul" all together - that Truth is what I will continue to seek for myself, for the rest of my life - no more secrets.
Immediately thereafter, I spilled some stuff to my therapist that I have NEVER said to ANYBODY ever before.
Five year olds believe in fairy tales, because they *know* that there is indeed a Truth behind them; that kind of belief is POWERFUL. Unite that with my adult belief that I can indeed heal - that as an adult I can sort out the Truth, and my own Truth, and fit it all together and live in this world, live in Truth - that's solid rock under the shifting sands of my survivor issues.
I'm staking my recovery on Truth, and I believe in it. I believe I can heal. I believe - no, I KNOW ...
I CAN DO THIS !!!!