"You Don't Need To Remember"
I would like to share something that means a lot to me as I try to recover. It's kind of long, but I think it's worth consideration by other survivors. I could sure use some company in considering it.
I just read a recommended site about recovered memoriies of sexual abuse. It was a valuable resource, and I'm glad it was posted. But something that was said on the site (and many other places too) reminded me of something I feel very strongly about. I hope someone else understands how I feel, and will say so if they do.
I hope I can say this like I think and feel it. It took years for it to gel in my mind, but now I know why I've searched so hard for clarity about my memories, and need at least SOME.
I feel misunderstood, and even betrayed, by those who say, "Whether your abuse accounts really happened or not doesn't matter. What matters is treating your present symptoms, and your claiming a good quality life from now on".
I say that's easy for them to say, and it's also crap unless you have ABSOLUTELY no other choice.
I've observed those around me, both near and far.
A large part of who anyone is, is their journey along the way--the good and bad people and experiences they've known. We use and need the facts of our history for our sense of identity. Total amnesiacs must go through hell.
Ask anyone (including therapists who say that the past doesn't matter) about themselves, about who they are, about what makes them tick and able to continue on in their life.
They'll eventually tell stories about Grandma and Christmas, family traditions and gatherings, some of which they continue to practice to the present day. When they are down or lonely or sick, they often fall back on those warm memories to soothe them. They look at pictures, they make phone calls. They draw on what was, as well as what is.
What if in the middle of such a warm recounting, I said to them, "First, I don't necessarily believe that story. It's a memory, and memories can be corrupted. But second, it doesn't really matter now anyway--it's old history. Concentrate on today and tomorrow, and you'll be just fine."? What if I could take away their trust in those memories? I think they would have a very hard time defining themselves.
We are buildings made of the bricks that were our past, good, bad, or in-between. The problem is when the very existence of many of our bricks is totally in question.
For instance, I'm angry at my mom, I barely speak to her. I can live with that in myself if she did even a few things I later remembered. But I wouldn't feel right about that if I'm just plain wrong, and I'm falsely accusing her. That's not fair to her, and I suppose not to me either. I can't prove it, and she denies it. No one else has approached her with similar accusations, so I can't use that to give me clarity. It feels crazy, this 'recovered past' stuff.
Some have said, "Well then, just talk to her once in a while, or send her a card, in case it didn't happen". Yeah swell, then the body memories start. There seems to be NO middle ground about this.
She's not the only one--my dad, several others, which way was it really? The old nicer version, or the updated abusive version?
Then there's me living on Social Security, my head too scrambled to keep a full time job. I used to earn good money, and held a steady job for decades. Now, if lots of the bad stuff happened, I can accept it better. I mean, who could blame me? Recovery from PTSD takes time.
But if normal day-to-day pressure alone did me in, (I've never been a diagnosed with a delusional chemical inbalance), what chance do I even have of recovery?? Did I just not measure up? I SEEMED stronger than many who are still going, so what the heck happened?
No, I don't want to ask the questions forever, if the answers are unfindable. I get that. I am trying to find new ways in life that are not about abuse/not abuse. But who I knew, and what they did, are a part of my fabric as much as anyone else's. People are drawn to their heritage when it's good, and they build memorials to reconcile tragedies and those who suffered when it's bad. How can anyone deny me my normal human need to do the same thing in my life?
I don't deny that some are well-intentioned to say, "Just make your life about tomorrow". But I think many of them lean hard on their own emotionally-remembered yesterdays to get through their own day, while they say my focus is misdirected. I think some more honesty and understanding about that in themselves would help them help me.
I hope I got it across like I feel it. It's not about 'Therapists are just dorks', a nice distortion that would be. It's about, "Hey, we all build our identities on our history, and unlike yours, mine is WAYYYY up-in-the-air. I need to define it if I can, and it's not an easy thing to give that up. Can you please understand and respect that, and work with me on that basis?"
Regards,
Tribear
I just read a recommended site about recovered memoriies of sexual abuse. It was a valuable resource, and I'm glad it was posted. But something that was said on the site (and many other places too) reminded me of something I feel very strongly about. I hope someone else understands how I feel, and will say so if they do.
I hope I can say this like I think and feel it. It took years for it to gel in my mind, but now I know why I've searched so hard for clarity about my memories, and need at least SOME.
I feel misunderstood, and even betrayed, by those who say, "Whether your abuse accounts really happened or not doesn't matter. What matters is treating your present symptoms, and your claiming a good quality life from now on".
I say that's easy for them to say, and it's also crap unless you have ABSOLUTELY no other choice.
I've observed those around me, both near and far.
A large part of who anyone is, is their journey along the way--the good and bad people and experiences they've known. We use and need the facts of our history for our sense of identity. Total amnesiacs must go through hell.
Ask anyone (including therapists who say that the past doesn't matter) about themselves, about who they are, about what makes them tick and able to continue on in their life.
They'll eventually tell stories about Grandma and Christmas, family traditions and gatherings, some of which they continue to practice to the present day. When they are down or lonely or sick, they often fall back on those warm memories to soothe them. They look at pictures, they make phone calls. They draw on what was, as well as what is.
What if in the middle of such a warm recounting, I said to them, "First, I don't necessarily believe that story. It's a memory, and memories can be corrupted. But second, it doesn't really matter now anyway--it's old history. Concentrate on today and tomorrow, and you'll be just fine."? What if I could take away their trust in those memories? I think they would have a very hard time defining themselves.
We are buildings made of the bricks that were our past, good, bad, or in-between. The problem is when the very existence of many of our bricks is totally in question.
For instance, I'm angry at my mom, I barely speak to her. I can live with that in myself if she did even a few things I later remembered. But I wouldn't feel right about that if I'm just plain wrong, and I'm falsely accusing her. That's not fair to her, and I suppose not to me either. I can't prove it, and she denies it. No one else has approached her with similar accusations, so I can't use that to give me clarity. It feels crazy, this 'recovered past' stuff.
Some have said, "Well then, just talk to her once in a while, or send her a card, in case it didn't happen". Yeah swell, then the body memories start. There seems to be NO middle ground about this.
She's not the only one--my dad, several others, which way was it really? The old nicer version, or the updated abusive version?
Then there's me living on Social Security, my head too scrambled to keep a full time job. I used to earn good money, and held a steady job for decades. Now, if lots of the bad stuff happened, I can accept it better. I mean, who could blame me? Recovery from PTSD takes time.
But if normal day-to-day pressure alone did me in, (I've never been a diagnosed with a delusional chemical inbalance), what chance do I even have of recovery?? Did I just not measure up? I SEEMED stronger than many who are still going, so what the heck happened?
No, I don't want to ask the questions forever, if the answers are unfindable. I get that. I am trying to find new ways in life that are not about abuse/not abuse. But who I knew, and what they did, are a part of my fabric as much as anyone else's. People are drawn to their heritage when it's good, and they build memorials to reconcile tragedies and those who suffered when it's bad. How can anyone deny me my normal human need to do the same thing in my life?
I don't deny that some are well-intentioned to say, "Just make your life about tomorrow". But I think many of them lean hard on their own emotionally-remembered yesterdays to get through their own day, while they say my focus is misdirected. I think some more honesty and understanding about that in themselves would help them help me.
I hope I got it across like I feel it. It's not about 'Therapists are just dorks', a nice distortion that would be. It's about, "Hey, we all build our identities on our history, and unlike yours, mine is WAYYYY up-in-the-air. I need to define it if I can, and it's not an easy thing to give that up. Can you please understand and respect that, and work with me on that basis?"
Regards,
Tribear
