"You can't handle the truth!"

"You can't handle the truth!"
E

EGL

Registrant
I've been thinking about my mother lately and how she's curious as to what's up with me. She knows that something serious is afoot, but not sure what. I feel she's eventually going to try to press me for info on it, and I'm reminded of the movie (can't remember the name of it) where Tom Cruise is a military prosecutor and yells at Jack Nicholson who is testifying.

Cruise yells "Tell the truth!"

Nicholson fires back "You can't handle the truth!"

Familiar feeling with anyone here? It's how I feel with my mother. With her desire to understand and "help", I think if she knew the truth, she couldn't handle it.
 
Eddie,

I'm in the same boat with you. I've kept it from my parents for 31 years, and at this point intend on keeping it from them for the rest of their lives. Not to deny myself the right to vent to them and get this off of my chest, but I think if I told them now, it would only make things worse for me, not better. I could not stand to see my father act pleasant around me like a total stranger or see and hear my mom cry everytime she sees me for the rest of my life. Besides, she would tell her sister and soon everyone would know.

From what I've read in the MS posts, whenever anyone has told their families, it has created more problems than I am willing to cope with. I may be selfish, but at this point, I have to think about me and how is the best way for me to survive. Being greeted like a stranger, seeing Mom cry all the time, and being "outted" in no way makes it easier for me.

That's why this place is a Godsend. I can tell you guys and you understand.
 
Familiar feeling with anyone here? It's how I feel with my mother. With her desire to understand and "help", I think if she knew the truth, she couldn't handle it.
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Much of society can't handle the truth. That is part of why things are the way that they are for us right now.
 
There is nothing they can do now. I honestly believe that most of them do know. But they just can't handle the truth being spoken. Unless it is an essential part of the healing process, don't rub their noses in it. It won't do you any good.

Aden
 
I know every situation is different and by no means do I want you to take this as advice as to what you should do, but want to add a different perspective.

I too had decided long ago not to tell my family about my SA. I thought my reason was a good one, that being I did not want to hurt them.

I think now however, it was not that so much as that deep haunting fear of what the results would be. And most importantly I think, that fear that the people I knew would always be there for me, might not be if I told them.

I knew my parents loved me deeply, and I credit that love for helping to minimize a lot of the things I have had to deal with in relation to SA. But I had all the fears of them not believing me, of them ignoring it and not thinking it was a big deal, and my biggest fear was that they knew what happened and had not done anything about it.

But because of circumstances involving my two nephews, and the realease of one of the guys that abused me from prison, and his moving back near where my family lived, and then of all things, my dad hiring him to work for him, I felt I had no choice. I could not take the risk of him being so close to my nephews.

So with a lot of advice and help I told my parents.

And yes it was the hardest thing I have ever done and I spent hours holding my mom while she cried, and my brother in law spent that same time with my dad working on keeping him from doing something bad to the guy.

And when all was said and done, I learned and experienced something I had not expected. The release of the secret began a whole new relationship with my parents. I now have a deeper and more personal relationship than I have ever had. I realized I tried to stay away from "home" largely because I didn't have to deal with the memories if I was not there, but with the secret out, I see my parents more and see my nephews more and my only wish is that I would have done it sooner.

The other great result is that I don't care anymore who knows, it is no longer a secret from anyone. And one thing I know is that keeping SA a secret is a huge load to carry around, and not having to carry that around every hour of every day has ended up being the most healing thing I have ever done.

And Dad fired the bastard!!

BT
 
Wanted to add, Ken Singer has some great material about telling people and all the steps to go through to prepare, and even more importantly, some good stuff about why we choose to tell or not to tell.

It helped me a lot.

BT
 
BT

Loved your story and am happy for you that things worked out well. You are right that we need to see things from different points of view. Our responsibility to each other is to tell the story the way we see it. that is how we can help each other best.

Aden
 
I also highly reccomend reading the Disclosure article here on the site before or even if you decide to tell you mother.

Speaking personally, telling my mom was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do because I know that it would hurt her terribly. At times, I wish I hadn't ever told her because I know she blames herself, but I never would have known that I was abused even earlier than I can recall if I hand't told her.

It should probably also be noted that niether of my perps were related to me or my mother, which probably made it a lot eaiser to tell her.

Ultimately you should only tell her when and if you are ready. If your not just tell her your working through some shit and you'll let her know if and when you are ready to talk. I doubt it will satisfy her, but at least she'll know that you know she wants to help.

I hope that this was helpful, best of luck

Eric
 
I settled this one for myself several years ago. I asked myself would I get anything from telling my mother what happened? Selfish? You better believe it. Yup, I was the injured party here and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks I ought to do or tell them. I do what's best for Dan in this regard. I don't owe anyone else anything.

Like Rich, I concluded I don't want the hassles that would flow from telling my mother. (my father is long dead)

If she were my abuser, I'd probably feel a need to confront her. As it is, she was just a shitty mother. Not worth the drama of bringing it up now. And it's definitely unrealistic, and probably unfair, to expect she would keep it to herself. She thrives on victimhood. She'd be buzzing about it to her friends in a matter of minutes, looking for sympathy and doing the poor me schtick. Sorry, nothing there for me.
 
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