General Thoughts to Share You and I Carry a Huge Load of Loss & Grief - And Often Don't Know It

MO-Survivor

Registrant
I commented to my T today: "When I started on this healing journey, I had no idea how big loss & grief were as a part of CSA." Because loss & grief - for us - are huge. They impact our relationships and ability to function. The underlying sense of loss in us drives much of the pain we feel from CSA. We didn't know or understand this as kids, because as kids - life just happened and became our "normal." Therefore, as kids, we also didn't grieve any of those losses. Instead, we have carried them - hidden deep inside - our whole lives.

My T also pointed out that life events can impact and grow our sense of loss & grief. One of the things I've really been struggling with is the childhood loss of intimate relationship with my parents because of the abuse. It's a little more confusing for me since the loss was initiated by my dad as my abuser, but that loss is still deeply felt towards both my parents. And it grew when I became a dad myself. I was determined to have an affectionate, loving, supportive relationship with my kids, and I did. Thereby, I learned up close what my parent-child relationship could have been with my parents. This just definitely increased the sense of loss of what I didn't have growing up.

When people come to this website, the largest rocks hitting them in the face are usually:
  • The need to tell someone who understands - what happened to us
  • Same sex attraction & sexual identity issues
  • Re-enacting the abuse & acting out (in one or more of several possible ways)
  • Problems with sexual intimacy in relationships
  • Problems with non-sexual intimacy in relationships
  • Addictions and self-destructive behavior
Loss & grief aren't in the list, because they don't usually come up. Loss doesn't drive every single one of those items (like SSA) but it plays a role in most of the others:
  • The loss of a "witness" (someone to see us as kids, to recognize the abuse, to get us out of it, to understand and help comfort) - drives our want & need to tell someone who understands what happened to us
  • CSA caused us to lose our ability to grow our own sexual identity. It was lost; many come here sexually confused
  • Acting out and re-enacting the abuse as kids was driven by the desire for (non-sexual) love, affection, and attention. Because it was lost when we were sexually perpetrated upon. We sought it out elsewhere, from someone else, only to find that non-sexual love, affection and attention was not to be found there either
  • We lost (or severely handicapped) our ability to connect with someone else in intimate, sexual and non-sexual ways out of self-protection, as we walled people off from us
  • Addictions & self-destructive behaviors are the result of a loss of hope and the need to escape the deep pain that is felt because of CSA
So on this topic... I had something amazing happen last week. It was tied to multiple things - but primarily tied to the loss of intimate relationship with my parents. I decided to share this with you guys, in case it helps someone:

"I have never, ever experienced something like I did today. I kept thinking of 'triggering' – although most of the time triggers are in reference to some memories of actual abuse that can cause other people to recall their own or can send them into all sorts of emotional turmoil. This was definitely triggering to me, because it touched so deeply and heavily on the loss that has been buried so, so deeply in my heart.​
I was reading @C. E. (Chase Eric)'s story, and I got to the part where he talked about what he lost with his parents because of the emotional walls he built up between them. And I started bawling. And I mean bawling – uncontrollably. I was unaware of what was even happening within me, consciously thinking, 'What is going on?' But the bawling continued. I headed up to my room because for some reason it seems like a more private place to lose it even though I was the only one in the house. And I continued to sob, bawl, and even wail a little bit from the deep, deep loss within me I was feeling – without really understanding it (for 45 minutes).​
I experienced these things at the time:​
  1. I finally grieved the loss of my parents and relationship that boy has always wanted, longed for, and has never given up hope for
  2. I felt that grief so deeply and conversed with my younger self – telling him how very sorry I was, but that what he longed and hoped for was gone. It’s lost – and cannot be recovered
  3. I longed to be comforted in the moment – to be held. But no one was around. The only person I wanted was my wife – I wanted her SO badly, to hold me in my grief while it poured out like a never-ending faucet
  4. So instead, I tried to comfort my younger self… myself. I told him how much I loved him. How I desperately wish I could have been there with him. That I would have loved him, protected him, and spent time with him doing fun things – bringing him joy
  5. While having that conversation with him, I also felt deep guilt. What Chase said about building that wall that kept him from his dad – I (my adult self; adaptive self) felt such guilt and sorrow that I kept my younger self from being able to experience love, joy, and intimacy – especially with our parents
    1. However, I couldn’t get over the “twisted” nature of that – the fact that the longing was for someone who actually caused me to build that wall. It’s too circular to make real sense out of
  6. I ended the conversation by telling my younger self how much I wanted him back in my life. I don’t want him relegated behind that wall of safety. I want him out, free, and able to live life to its fullest
I prayed in the midst of it all as well, asking God to help. Mostly – to help me keep present in this moment, to help me feel more alongside what was pouring out of me.​

Letter to My Younger Self​

Then I put this onto paper because I didn’t want to end my conversation:​
“Dear (Younger Self),​
This is the adult you. I want to tell you how very, very sorry I am. I am the adaptive part of you who kept you safe all these years. I know you are heartbroken. I know you wish none of this had ever happened. That you wish your parents had loved and protected and nurtured you. Instead, they hurt you. Dad – because of what he did. Mom – because of her inaction during and after. You lost so much, man.​
I love you very much. I wish I could go back to when you were a boy so I could protect you, love on you, and do so much fun & cool stuff together. You and I would have had so much fun. Instead, I protected you. I built walls to keep out the abuse and the hurt. And I feel like I have robbed you of so much. I feel your loss today. And I know the biggest loss you feel is the loss of intimate relationship with your parents. I am so sorry. And I can’t help but feel that it’s my fault. But like I told you earlier – what could have been with your parents… is lost. It’s gone – forever. For that I am deeply devastated and my heart burns with hurt. We can never recover or restore what we really long for.​
So, will you please forgive me? Will you please forgive me for creating walls that robbed from you the possibility of love and intimacy, and instead left you alone, isolated, and forgotten?​
I love you. And I desperately want you back in my life. So you can bring us all the things our T has pointed to – learning to trust and not be afraid, learning to play again freely… unencumbered by fear or hesitation. I know you are still in there and I really, really want you to come forward into my life again. I will still keep you safe, but not by relegating you to only safe places and times.​
Last, I want you to have a voice again. I feel myself talking to you, but I would love to hear what you have to say, feel, and think.​
Love,​
(Your Adult Self)”​
 

Jeremy Doe

Registrant
@MO-Survivor , there is so much truth in this post. your strength and your ability to be vulnerable. It's admirable. There's so much here I could relate with. You stated the aspects so eloquently.

That reconnection with your younger self. The acknowledgement of the loss, and the subsequent grief. We shy away from those things, but they're so crucial to the healing process. Thanks for sharing this. It's extremely powerful.
 

Dan99

Registrant
I can relate to much of what you write. Loss of childhood plays a big part in my struggles. When I have shed tears it's never been about the actual abuse I suffered. It has always been over what it deprived me of.

My experience has also made me very jealous of others who have that "normal" childhood. It's ugly to think of myself as a jealous person and in general I'm not. I don't begrudge anyone any wealth or good luck or success. I think that's because I feel like I have a chance for those things too. But when I see people having those happy family moments, I do feel jealous. I want to get better about acknowledging those feelings and not burying them but it is a tough thing to unpack.

Thanks for sharing your insights.
 
I want to thank you, it touched me deeply.
 

Tom1967

Registrant
I commented to my T today: "When I started on this healing journey, I had no idea how big loss & grief were as a part of CSA." Because loss & grief - for us - are huge. They impact our relationships and ability to function. The underlying sense of loss in us drives much of the pain we feel from CSA. We didn't know or understand this as kids, because as kids - life just happened and became our "normal." Therefore, as kids, we also didn't grieve any of those losses. Instead, we have carried them - hidden deep inside - our whole lives.

My T also pointed out that life events can impact and grow our sense of loss & grief. One of the things I've really been struggling with is the childhood loss of intimate relationship with my parents because of the abuse. It's a little more confusing for me since the loss was initiated by my dad as my abuser, but that loss is still deeply felt towards both my parents. And it grew when I became a dad myself. I was determined to have an affectionate, loving, supportive relationship with my kids, and I did. Thereby, I learned up close what my parent-child relationship could have been with my parents. This just definitely increased the sense of loss of what I didn't have growing up.

When people come to this website, the largest rocks hitting them in the face are usually:
  • The need to tell someone who understands - what happened to us
  • Same sex attraction & sexual identity issues
  • Re-enacting the abuse & acting out (in one or more of several possible ways)
  • Problems with sexual intimacy in relationships
  • Problems with non-sexual intimacy in relationships
  • Addictions and self-destructive behavior
Loss & grief aren't in the list, because they don't usually come up. Loss doesn't drive every single one of those items (like SSA) but it plays a role in most of the others:
  • The loss of a "witness" (someone to see us as kids, to recognize the abuse, to get us out of it, to understand and help comfort) - drives our want & need to tell someone who understands what happened to us
  • CSA caused us to lose our ability to grow our own sexual identity. It was lost; many come here sexually confused
  • Acting out and re-enacting the abuse as kids was driven by the desire for (non-sexual) love, affection, and attention. Because it was lost when we were sexually perpetrated upon. We sought it out elsewhere, from someone else, only to find that non-sexual love, affection and attention was not to be found there either
  • We lost (or severely handicapped) our ability to connect with someone else in intimate, sexual and non-sexual ways out of self-protection, as we walled people off from us
  • Addictions & self-destructive behaviors are the result of a loss of hope and the need to escape the deep pain that is felt because of CSA
So on this topic... I had something amazing happen last week. It was tied to multiple things - but primarily tied to the loss of intimate relationship with my parents. I decided to share this with you guys, in case it helps someone:

"I have never, ever experienced something like I did today. I kept thinking of 'triggering' – although most of the time triggers are in reference to some memories of actual abuse that can cause other people to recall their own or can send them into all sorts of emotional turmoil. This was definitely triggering to me, because it touched so deeply and heavily on the loss that has been buried so, so deeply in my heart.​
I was reading @C. E. (Chase Eric)'s story, and I got to the part where he talked about what he lost with his parents because of the emotional walls he built up between them. And I started bawling. And I mean bawling – uncontrollably. I was unaware of what was even happening within me, consciously thinking, 'What is going on?' But the bawling continued. I headed up to my room because for some reason it seems like a more private place to lose it even though I was the only one in the house. And I continued to sob, bawl, and even wail a little bit from the deep, deep loss within me I was feeling – without really understanding it (for 45 minutes).​
I experienced these things at the time:​
  1. I finally grieved the loss of my parents and relationship that boy has always wanted, longed for, and has never given up hope for
  2. I felt that grief so deeply and conversed with my younger self – telling him how very sorry I was, but that what he longed and hoped for was gone. It’s lost – and cannot be recovered
  3. I longed to be comforted in the moment – to be held. But no one was around. The only person I wanted was my wife – I wanted her SO badly, to hold me in my grief while it poured out like a never-ending faucet
  4. So instead, I tried to comfort my younger self… myself. I told him how much I loved him. How I desperately wish I could have been there with him. That I would have loved him, protected him, and spent time with him doing fun things – bringing him joy
  5. While having that conversation with him, I also felt deep guilt. What Chase said about building that wall that kept him from his dad – I (my adult self; adaptive self) felt such guilt and sorrow that I kept my younger self from being able to experience love, joy, and intimacy – especially with our parents
    1. However, I couldn’t get over the “twisted” nature of that – the fact that the longing was for someone who actually caused me to build that wall. It’s too circular to make real sense out of
  6. I ended the conversation by telling my younger self how much I wanted him back in my life. I don’t want him relegated behind that wall of safety. I want him out, free, and able to live life to its fullest
I prayed in the midst of it all as well, asking God to help. Mostly – to help me keep present in this moment, to help me feel more alongside what was pouring out of me.​

Letter to My Younger Self​

Then I put this onto paper because I didn’t want to end my conversation:​
“Dear (Younger Self),​
This is the adult you. I want to tell you how very, very sorry I am. I am the adaptive part of you who kept you safe all these years. I know you are heartbroken. I know you wish none of this had ever happened. That you wish your parents had loved and protected and nurtured you. Instead, they hurt you. Dad – because of what he did. Mom – because of her inaction during and after. You lost so much, man.​
I love you very much. I wish I could go back to when you were a boy so I could protect you, love on you, and do so much fun & cool stuff together. You and I would have had so much fun. Instead, I protected you. I built walls to keep out the abuse and the hurt. And I feel like I have robbed you of so much. I feel your loss today. And I know the biggest loss you feel is the loss of intimate relationship with your parents. I am so sorry. And I can’t help but feel that it’s my fault. But like I told you earlier – what could have been with your parents… is lost. It’s gone – forever. For that I am deeply devastated and my heart burns with hurt. We can never recover or restore what we really long for.​
So, will you please forgive me? Will you please forgive me for creating walls that robbed from you the possibility of love and intimacy, and instead left you alone, isolated, and forgotten?​
I love you. And I desperately want you back in my life. So you can bring us all the things our T has pointed to – learning to trust and not be afraid, learning to play again freely… unencumbered by fear or hesitation. I know you are still in there and I really, really want you to come forward into my life again. I will still keep you safe, but not by relegating you to only safe places and times.​
Last, I want you to have a voice again. I feel myself talking to you, but I would love to hear what you have to say, feel, and think.​
Love,​
(Your Adult Self)”​
Thank you for sharing you thoughts and insights on this, MO, they are profound. My T had asked me a few weeks ago to imagine I'm sitting down with my younger self, after an abuse incident and talk to him. He called it a Compassion exercise. He asked me to write down what I'd say to him,, my abused self.. I tried but came nowhere close the depth of conversation you just shared. After reading your response, Im going to try the exercise again. Thank you.
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
@MO-Survivor , there is so much truth in this post. your strength and your ability to be vulnerable. It's admirable. There's so much here I could relate with. You stated the aspects so eloquently.

That reconnection with your younger self. The acknowledgement of the loss, and the subsequent grief. We shy away from those things, but they're so crucial to the healing process. Thanks for sharing this. It's extremely powerful.
@Jeremy Doe - I am learning that grieving is the doorway to getting at all of the other things in that list above. It's odd - I know we try to attack those things head-on, and usually first. But they are so evasive; things don't seem to change. I really think it's because we haven't dealt with the deeper issues like loss and grieving those losses first. I did not anticipate or think things would work like this....
I can relate to much of what you write. Loss of childhood plays a big part in my struggles. When I have shed tears it's never been about the actual abuse I suffered. It has always been over what it deprived me of.

My experience has also made me very jealous of others who have that "normal" childhood. It's ugly to think of myself as a jealous person and in general I'm not. I don't begrudge anyone any wealth or good luck or success. I think that's because I feel like I have a chance for those things too. But when I see people having those happy family moments, I do feel jealous. I want to get better about acknowledging those feelings and not burying them but it is a tough thing to unpack.

Thanks for sharing your insights.
@Dan99, yesterday we also talked about some tangential things, and I can't recall what got my T to talking about the developmental aspect of little boys wanting to be like their dads. The picture of the little boy with shaving cream at the mirror with his dad, while his dad is shaving is a good example of this. I told her I have no memories like that, and no recollection of wanting to by like my dad. The memories I have are just the opposite - determined not to be like him.

My really good friend I made in college - I watched his 4 kids grow up (2 boys, 2 girls). Both boys expressed the desire to be like their dad - even though the older one in particular was a much different personality. I recall not being able to relate to that desire they had. In fact, it created distance between them and me, in my mind, and I actually wanted to encourage them to be their own person. Not their dad. Not exactly jealousy, but rather a want to not be different and weird, and the want to have that shared experience with them.
Thank you for sharing you thoughts and insights on this, MO, they are profound. My T had asked me a few weeks ago to imagine I'm sitting down with my younger self, after an abuse incident and talk to him. He called it a Compassion exercise. He asked me to write down what I'd say to him,, my abused self.. I tried but came nowhere close the depth of conversation you just shared. After reading your response, Im going to try the exercise again. Thank you.
@Tom1967 - my pleasure. If you can't have that conversation / write that letter to your younger self, tell your T you aren't there yet. It took months for me to actually think of my younger self as a person - someone I could converse with. It seemed like something for a long time that I just couldn't wrap my head around. And then, one day, on the way to a T session - I could. That one-sided conversation precipitated the one last week; it made last week's conversation possible. The fact you want to try again... means you will definitely get to the depth of conversation you want to have.
I want to thank you, it touched me deeply.
@Darren White - you are welcome. You are one of those guys... I have such empathy for, not really being able to imagine the horrible things you went through. Guys like you are an inspiration to all of us because you are here, you share your experiences and feelings, and you encourage others. Thank you!
 

Dunc6932

Registrant
I commented to my T today: "When I started on this healing journey, I had no idea how big loss & grief were as a part of CSA." Because loss & grief - for us - are huge. They impact our relationships and ability to function. The underlying sense of loss in us drives much of the pain we feel from CSA. We didn't know or understand this as kids, because as kids - life just happened and became our "normal." Therefore, as kids, we also didn't grieve any of those losses. Instead, we have carried them - hidden deep inside - our whole lives.

My T also pointed out that life events can impact and grow our sense of loss & grief. One of the things I've really been struggling with is the childhood loss of intimate relationship with my parents because of the abuse. It's a little more confusing for me since the loss was initiated by my dad as my abuser, but that loss is still deeply felt towards both my parents. And it grew when I became a dad myself. I was determined to have an affectionate, loving, supportive relationship with my kids, and I did. Thereby, I learned up close what my parent-child relationship could have been with my parents. This just definitely increased the sense of loss of what I didn't have growing up.

When people come to this website, the largest rocks hitting them in the face are usually:
  • The need to tell someone who understands - what happened to us
  • Same sex attraction & sexual identity issues
  • Re-enacting the abuse & acting out (in one or more of several possible ways)
  • Problems with sexual intimacy in relationships
  • Problems with non-sexual intimacy in relationships
  • Addictions and self-destructive behavior
Loss & grief aren't in the list, because they don't usually come up. Loss doesn't drive every single one of those items (like SSA) but it plays a role in most of the others:
  • The loss of a "witness" (someone to see us as kids, to recognize the abuse, to get us out of it, to understand and help comfort) - drives our want & need to tell someone who understands what happened to us
  • CSA caused us to lose our ability to grow our own sexual identity. It was lost; many come here sexually confused
  • Acting out and re-enacting the abuse as kids was driven by the desire for (non-sexual) love, affection, and attention. Because it was lost when we were sexually perpetrated upon. We sought it out elsewhere, from someone else, only to find that non-sexual love, affection and attention was not to be found there either
  • We lost (or severely handicapped) our ability to connect with someone else in intimate, sexual and non-sexual ways out of self-protection, as we walled people off from us
  • Addictions & self-destructive behaviors are the result of a loss of hope and the need to escape the deep pain that is felt because of CSA
So on this topic... I had something amazing happen last week. It was tied to multiple things - but primarily tied to the loss of intimate relationship with my parents. I decided to share this with you guys, in case it helps someone:

"I have never, ever experienced something like I did today. I kept thinking of 'triggering' – although most of the time triggers are in reference to some memories of actual abuse that can cause other people to recall their own or can send them into all sorts of emotional turmoil. This was definitely triggering to me, because it touched so deeply and heavily on the loss that has been buried so, so deeply in my heart.​
I was reading @C. E. (Chase Eric)'s story, and I got to the part where he talked about what he lost with his parents because of the emotional walls he built up between them. And I started bawling. And I mean bawling – uncontrollably. I was unaware of what was even happening within me, consciously thinking, 'What is going on?' But the bawling continued. I headed up to my room because for some reason it seems like a more private place to lose it even though I was the only one in the house. And I continued to sob, bawl, and even wail a little bit from the deep, deep loss within me I was feeling – without really understanding it (for 45 minutes).​
I experienced these things at the time:​
  1. I finally grieved the loss of my parents and relationship that boy has always wanted, longed for, and has never given up hope for
  2. I felt that grief so deeply and conversed with my younger self – telling him how very sorry I was, but that what he longed and hoped for was gone. It’s lost – and cannot be recovered
  3. I longed to be comforted in the moment – to be held. But no one was around. The only person I wanted was my wife – I wanted her SO badly, to hold me in my grief while it poured out like a never-ending faucet
  4. So instead, I tried to comfort my younger self… myself. I told him how much I loved him. How I desperately wish I could have been there with him. That I would have loved him, protected him, and spent time with him doing fun things – bringing him joy
  5. While having that conversation with him, I also felt deep guilt. What Chase said about building that wall that kept him from his dad – I (my adult self; adaptive self) felt such guilt and sorrow that I kept my younger self from being able to experience love, joy, and intimacy – especially with our parents
    1. However, I couldn’t get over the “twisted” nature of that – the fact that the longing was for someone who actually caused me to build that wall. It’s too circular to make real sense out of
  6. I ended the conversation by telling my younger self how much I wanted him back in my life. I don’t want him relegated behind that wall of safety. I want him out, free, and able to live life to its fullest
I prayed in the midst of it all as well, asking God to help. Mostly – to help me keep present in this moment, to help me feel more alongside what was pouring out of me.​

Letter to My Younger Self​

Then I put this onto paper because I didn’t want to end my conversation:​
“Dear (Younger Self),​
This is the adult you. I want to tell you how very, very sorry I am. I am the adaptive part of you who kept you safe all these years. I know you are heartbroken. I know you wish none of this had ever happened. That you wish your parents had loved and protected and nurtured you. Instead, they hurt you. Dad – because of what he did. Mom – because of her inaction during and after. You lost so much, man.​
I love you very much. I wish I could go back to when you were a boy so I could protect you, love on you, and do so much fun & cool stuff together. You and I would have had so much fun. Instead, I protected you. I built walls to keep out the abuse and the hurt. And I feel like I have robbed you of so much. I feel your loss today. And I know the biggest loss you feel is the loss of intimate relationship with your parents. I am so sorry. And I can’t help but feel that it’s my fault. But like I told you earlier – what could have been with your parents… is lost. It’s gone – forever. For that I am deeply devastated and my heart burns with hurt. We can never recover or restore what we really long for.​
So, will you please forgive me? Will you please forgive me for creating walls that robbed from you the possibility of love and intimacy, and instead left you alone, isolated, and forgotten?​
I love you. And I desperately want you back in my life. So you can bring us all the things our T has pointed to – learning to trust and not be afraid, learning to play again freely… unencumbered by fear or hesitation. I know you are still in there and I really, really want you to come forward into my life again. I will still keep you safe, but not by relegating you to only safe places and times.​
Last, I want you to have a voice again. I feel myself talking to you, but I would love to hear what you have to say, feel, and think.​
Love,​
(Your Adult Self)”​
Thank you for the thought you put into this. Got me thinking so hard about me as an adolescent, who became frozen and put up those walls of protection. A brutal recurring realization that hits you with such force.
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
Thank you for the thought you put into this. Got me thinking so hard about me as an adolescent, who became frozen and put up those walls of protection. A brutal recurring realization that hits you with such force.
@Dunc6932 - "A brutal recurring realization that hits you with such force." Amen to that - great description of the realization.

So after all that I wrote happened last Friday, I took the afternoon off because I had no capacity to get work done. About 3:00 I decided to go walk in the park by myself. As I left the house, the local radio station was playing AC/DC. I was like, "Oh yeah.... I need to hear AC/DC right now." It just met my mood in the moment. When I got to the park, I pulled up an AC/DC album in Amazon Music, put my earbuds in, and started walking. At 3:00 (heat of the day), there weren't many people at the park. But I found myself with a powerful urge to find any random man... and punch them in the face. WTH? I quickly recalled what my T has said to me over and over: "We don't get to pick and choose what emotions we let through. We either let them all through, or none." Additionally, I thought to myself: "Oh yeah... I guess I forgot that in addition to that young boy in me, there's also the adolescent me in there too. And he's the angry one." I'm happy to say I did not go punch some random guy. And that experience gave me a little perspective re: what's going on in some people that appear so angry and on edge all the time that they make you feel like if you say the wrong thing, they will punch you in the face.

We talked a bit yesterday too about anger at that boy - that he was so self-protective and built walls. I know others have had anger and frustration at that younger version of themselves. I've never felt that way. I think that's because I typically think about 3 me's: 1) The young, innocent boy who grieved so hard last Friday and who I talked to, 2) (now I think of this one) The angry teen who was big enough and old enough to take care of himself and who really separated from his family, 3) The current me - I incorporate that adaptive personality into who I am now rather than my younger self or teen self (although the teen definitely had that adaptive personality too). Because I identify #3 (the me now) as the one who built all the walls and self-protection, I have never been angry at that young boy or even the teen. Just mad... at myself.

Break down those walls @Dunc6932! They aren't needed anymore :)
 

Dunc6932

Registrant
Adolescent years were when it happened for me. I had no choice but to put up those walls then. I don’t get angry at myself for doing that then. I can just think of the immense shame and grief like it was yesterday. Am working on those walls. They have sucked ever since they went up. (I only like a couple of AC/DC songs, so it would depend on which came up, but hey, everyone’s style is different. Glad you didn’t knock someone out!)
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
Adolescent years were when it happened for me. I had no choice but to put up those walls then. I don’t get angry at myself for doing that then. I can just think of the immense shame and grief like it was yesterday. Am working on those walls. They have sucked ever since they went up. (I only like a couple of AC/DC songs, so it would depend on which came up, but hey, everyone’s style is different. Glad you didn’t knock someone out!)
@Dunc6932 - me too. I was actually worried because my younger daughter (13 yo) had a soccer game that night, and I have lost it - only at refs (as a coach and as a parent), and only a couple times when they weren't keeping kids safe from injury. Last spring my younger daughter was playing in a game that became very physical. The refs had just gotten done with a 15-16 yo boys game - which was crazy physical, and I suppose the boys set the baseline pretty high for what was deemed a foul. After the girls' game started, a girl on the other team - who had already fouled a few times - decided to hip check my kid while she was in the air (the fouler did not even have possession of the ball when she did this). My daughter literally flew through the air a good 3-5 feet and out of bounds. I immediately looked to the ref (an older, balding, tattooed guy) who waved his hands signaling, "No foul." I jumped up: "What are you talking about? How is that not a foul? Blah blah blah!" I kept on a bit and he just let me. After a pause I shouted, "Explain to me how that wasn't a foul." His response: "Sit down!" And at that point, I decided sitting was the best option.

Anyway - I thought about telling someone last Friday to make sure and hold me back if something similar happened. My wife couldn't be there to do it. But, after riding to the game with my daughter, everything settled down in me. Whew! :)
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Want to know another layer of all of that, of all this?

...what if the one person that knew you were abused passed away? You're best friend, your biggest cheer leader, your confidant, the only one whom knew your secret.

"Grief" will slowly kill you, if you are not careful.

I have been grieving for so long and for so much more.

This was a great read because there is so much truth to it. I just wish I didn't resonate with so much of it.

...Hugs
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
Want to know another layer of all of that, of all this?

...what if the one person that knew you were abused passed away? You're best friend, your biggest cheer leader, your confidant, the only one whom knew your secret.

"Grief" will slowly kill you, if you are not careful.

I have been grieving for so long and for so much more.

This was a great read because there is so much truth to it. I just wish I didn't resonate with so much of it.

...Hugs
CT,

Dude - yes, that makes me so sad. That is truly, “Grief upon grief.” Another layer which doesn’t just add to grief, but exponentially multiplies it. I am sorry you lost that person. It’s easy to say, “Go find another,” but we all know it isn’t that easy or simplistic.

Interesting you bring this up, because my T brought this up as a barrier to intimacy with my wife: “What if you ‘lost’ her (in any sense of the word)?” It would be devastating. Thankfully, I guess, she has more longevity in her family than me. The other barrier to our intimacy is fear, and that is because we share sexual intimacy and that kid in me thinks she isn’t “safe.” Oh - and this is also part of the reason my T keeps trying to get me to make more guy friends, I think.

Death - I hate the idea and the reality. I know no one likes it, but I hate it. For the reasons and feelings you expressed. That’s part of the reason why my T and I have talked about my fear of my parents dying. I have no idea what my own reaction will be, but I want no regrets. Still, per my post here, it will add, “Grief upon grief,” when they die. Not for the same reason as losing that significant other, but still multiplied.

I am so sorry CT Much love and peace to you!
 

Photoman

Registrant
CT,

Dude - yes, that makes me so sad. That is truly, “Grief upon grief.” Another layer which doesn’t just add to grief, but exponentially multiplies it. I am sorry you lost that person. It’s easy to say, “Go find another,” but we all know it isn’t that easy or simplistic.

Interesting you bring this up, because my T brought this up as a barrier to intimacy with my wife: “What if you ‘lost’ her (in any sense of the word)?” It would be devastating. Thankfully, I guess, she has more longevity in her family than me. The other barrier to our intimacy is fear, and that is because we share sexual intimacy and that kid in me thinks she isn’t “safe.” Oh - and this is also part of the reason my T keeps trying to get me to make more guy friends, I think.

Death - I hate the idea and the reality. I know no one likes it, but I hate it. For the reasons and feelings you expressed. That’s part of the reason why my T and I have talked about my fear of my parents dying. I have no idea what my own reaction will be, but I want no regrets. Still, per my post here, it will add, “Grief upon grief,” when they die. Not for the same reason as losing that significant other, but still multiplied.

I am so sorry CT Much love and peace to you!
I know firsthand how losing your spouse has an impact on healing. I lost my wife (31 years) 4 months ago, she was the only one I ever told about my abuse (except you guys) and now I feel naked. No one to talk to. Grief has compounded my feelings and is making it hard to get thru most days. I try to stay busy but find myself gazing out into space. I'm determined to make it but man, it's so hard.
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
I know firsthand how losing your spouse has an impact on healing. I lost my wife (31 years) 4 months ago, she was the only one I ever told about my abuse (except you guys) and now I feel naked. No one to talk to. Grief has compounded my feelings and is making it hard to get thru most days. I try to stay busy but find myself gazing out into space. I'm determined to make it but man, it's so hard.
:( @Photoman - I can't even imagine. Your grief must be so huge right now.

It's funny. My wife works a job where she deals with grief and grieving all the time. She's trained in helping people process through it and has facilitated many sessions with family members whose loved one died, with first responders who see so much trauma, and others. My church recently started hosting a grief group for anyone who wanted to come, and she jumped right in and added a lot to the group. There certainly isn't enough attention given to this aspect of life, and there aren't many opportunities like what she and the church provide. But they are out there. I told my wife last week, "Maybe I need to go to grief group with you." And I only said that half-kidding. It would probably do me good, although I would probably feel a little out of place with my grief being CSA at this point way more than loss that comes with death. But you might think about seeing if there are any resources / groups / people who facilitate processing through grief. That support is so necessary for us.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
I am so sorry CT Much love and peace to you!
Thanks MO, i'm sorry too.

I hope through therapy you and your wife can see beyond what happened and live in the moments you have together.

life is hard but it doesn't have to be so complex. Our human conditions make it so very complex some times. Thank you for spending so much of your time writing/typing & editing here. I appreciate your thoughts and words here in this space.
 

Photoman

Registrant
:( @Photoman - I can't even imagine. Your grief must be so huge right now.

It's funny. My wife works a job where she deals with grief and grieving all the time. She's trained in helping people process through it and has facilitated many sessions with family members whose loved one died, with first responders who see so much trauma, and others. My church recently started hosting a grief group for anyone who wanted to come, and she jumped right in and added a lot to the group. There certainly isn't enough attention given to this aspect of life, and there aren't many opportunities like what she and the church provide. But they are out there. I told my wife last week, "Maybe I need to go to grief group with you." And I only said that half-kidding. It would probably do me good, although I would probably feel a little out of place with my grief being CSA at this point way more than loss that comes with death. But you might think about seeing if there are any resources / groups / people who facilitate processing through grief. That support is so necessary for us.
Thank you for the idea. Maybe my Church has a program like that but I've not heard of it offhand. I feel lost right now and would like to be around people who can support and help me. Thanks again MO-Survivor.
 

MO-Survivor

Registrant
Thank you for the idea. Maybe my Church has a program like that but I've not heard of it offhand. I feel lost right now and would like to be around people who can support and help me. Thanks again MO-Survivor.
If not at church, try hospitals in the area. They often facilitate or will know of grief groups in the area.
 
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