Years of abuse

[NobodyCT]

I never thought in a million years I would be writing this, but here goes..

The first time I was abused was by a female babysitter. I don't recall my exact age, but I was young, very young. I remember bits and pieces of it. I know it went on for a while, but not sure how long. My mother almost caught us once, but nothing happen. My pajama bottoms were on backwards, but I can't remember what was said. But nothing happen..

The next time I was abused was by 2 teenage brothers. It was a living HELL!!!! I am haunted to this very day by what happen in that locked room!!! I was beaten up, sexual abused, bullied and they didn't stop no matter how much I begged or cried. They only stopped because I was bleeding out of my rectum....I don't remember much after that, but these memories are flooding in more and more over the past few days. I had a break down two days ago in front of my wife and told her a bit about it...The PAIN PAIN PAIN was so REAL I couldn't breath, they took MY childhood!!

The next time was by a little league coach...he exploited the fact that I never had a dad...I was a good ball player, very good. But for some reason, the torture wasn't over for my childhood. He groomed me and then, dropped the bomb. Oh, I love you like a son, all dads and son's do this!!!! FUCK YOU they DO NOT!!! Thank you for the scars coach!!!

You may ask where everybody was? They were out drinking and having a good time while I was shipped off to babysitters or sat in smokey bars watching drunks, argue, fight etc...Also, my mother spent like 2 years in ny with my sister getting treatment for bone cancer.

I left out the detail as I CAN'T share it. It's way to painful..

I did try to commit suicide twice, sleeping pills as a teenager and a gun as adult.

I was physically abused by a step father, pretty much punched in the stomach whenever he felt like it or I was being DUMB, in his words. Once at church, I didn't feel good, and couldn't kneel. He punched me in the side so hard I blacked out..next thing I know he was pinching my side to tell me to kneel or something. My mother was MIA in NY with sister getting treatment. So, lucky me, handed over to him and his mean mother...

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling and the anger in my post, but I don't consider myself a survivor. I merely exist, tormented daily, hardly sleep, anger, hatred...I have NO friends, I stay away from my side of the family, I hardly leave the house. When I do, I feel like I need to watch my back. I smoke weed to mask it all, but I love my wife and kids so much it hurts me...I am ashamed, bitter, trust zero people...I survived NOTHING.

I've been in and out of mental hospitals, medicated to the point of about in a coma. I lost my insurance, so dropped all my care. I now have it through medicare/medicad so searching for help now, along with my loving caring wife.

 

[motmcd]

You are courageous for sharing your story here. This is a safe place for you to begin moving forward. This is an awesome community of guys who, just as you, are moving beyond the restrictions of our CSA. Welcome to this place. May you find peace and learn much.

Tom

 

[Ceremony]

You are understood N. There are many of our stories to draw us close, and without meeting, we know you, care and have hope for you.

Today, my therapist gave me a gift. It's not easy to explain. The idea is, I live in this mind, moments of torment, deep suffering, and it's Ok. That will take a bit of explaining. Stick around while I share.

I spun into a deep pit of depression some days ago... after leaving my T's office today... I'm writing with a relatively even keel. This morning, I was crying at everything, now, I'm Ok if that's what I do. The idea I took from my T is that I was fighting to be better, fighting hard, doing work, trying desperately to fix the deeply painful spiral I just went through! If anyone reads my posts from this past week, and earlier today, a bit of surprise is in order.

The epiphany for me was to let the moment of pain have that turn with me, and stop expecting my thinking and work will fix it! Let there be a dozen or dozens of days or weeks of sad days, just let them. Be genuine, cry. The Hamster wheel, or spinning tire in the mud was going nowhere! So, stop it! Let it be.

Now, If I'm going to cry, or be sad, let it. That seems awkward and uncomfortable to me. I practiced once in T's office, and could manage about a minute before my mind spun the wheels again. T said it's "mindfulness" and I'm to practice. He also agrees I need to meet people. I have a few clues toward that regard too. He wants me to expand beyond group people, and see if I can connect with many others too? Hmm...

I share this with you N because you express in that post the exact emotions that I've been painfully coping with this past depressed week. I too am married, I too am angry I was raped, etc... I too think of pain! And like I mentioned the stories here share these as well.

Welcome MS, an alternative to endless pain.

 

[tbkkfile]

Welcome, you are a very brave and courageous man, all of the guys here are. Feel free to say as much or as little as you want, take things at your own speed, the support here is amazing.

Sorry if that all sounded a little disjointed.

Take good care of yourself
David

 

[NobodyCT]

Omg, I am overwhelmed with the kind words I have received here...This is my first time stepping out of the shadows and I can't help but be grateful for such nice positive feedback.

thank you again...

 

[sorryson]

NobodyCT I am sorry for you have lived. I am glad you found this place, it has helped me with my CSA and other family issues. People are very supportive here.

Paul

 

[woodenshoes]

Nobodyct

No one should have to go through what you did. So sorry for the hurt your feeling. You now have started down the road to try survive the after effects. Welcome to ms. We are here to support you. Glad you have a supportive wife. Take care we are here for you.

Ws

 

[manipulated]

Welcome! Not a nobody. You are a mighty, strong, courageous survivor! There is safety and understanding here with men who understand and are not only surviving but finding ways to thrive.