...yeah,I went thru this

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...yeah,I went thru this
Stems from a long time ago. Back during the 50s. The incest thing was going on. "Family",the concept of went away. I was alone. No therapy back then. No-one to talk to. No-one to come rescue me. So I went where I had to go. I was little and powerless in a World of adults. They ran everything. None of them could be trusted. I stood in the background quietly. Listening,watching,taking mental note. Now their World belongs to me. They are the sheep,me the wolf. And I will lay waste to the bastards should they even look at me crosseyed. Oh,by the way. I have something published in today's Jerusalem Post newspaper,Israel,letters section entitled "I don't care anymore".
 
I'd better expound on this. Look,we live in the Age of Scam. Everything around us is bullshit. We're being marketed at 24/7. We're hit on from 360 degrees from the moment we awake till we sleep at day's end.
It's all about conformity,not making waves and "going along". Don't you get tired of it? The people who post at NOMSV know about shame. Self-imposed shame is bad enough but fretting about shame induced from outside ourselves is ridiculous. Are you kind to animals? Have you got a dog or cat that loves you? Are you evil? I think not. Whether you're physically attractive,rich,famous,powerful or the whatnot it means absolutely nothing. Do you like what you are? I mean deep-down. Can you look at yourself and say "I'm a pretty damn good guy"? Well that's all that matters. The people out there who'd cast aspersions at you can suck ass. Like yourself. Be proud of who you are. Hold your head up and look your detractors in the eye. Tell them to go fuck off. Took decades of suffering for me to learn this.
 
I'm just learning this trick, beginning to believe in myself, trusting myself, liking myself and even loving myself.
It's taken thirty fucking years !! and that could be a reason for being pissed off, but I'm even getting over that- slowly. ;)
 
Hi Lloydy. I solved the problem at age 13 in 1959. The incest from my mother had been going on for months. It finnally dawned on me that this'd be a permanent thing. I called it "the game". One lovely Saturday afternoon my mother,father & sister left the house. I went into my father's garage,took a leather pouch from his workbench holding a thick steel needle 8" long he used for repairing canvas and I sat on our livingroom couch. I grabbed the meat of my thigh,squeezed it together so it made a big lump,told myself "I will make the pain not be" and pushed the needle into my flesh. It would'nt go very far. So I went back to the garage,found a lockwrench. Using the lockwrench to hold the huge spike firmly I told myself once again "I will make the pain not be" and slowely shoved the entire length of it thru the gathered thigh-meat skin,fat and muscle till my thigh was pierced thru & thru. Somewhere in the distance Hellish fires burned. Afterwards I sat there admiring my handiwork. And I knew then that what my mother was doing to me I could make go away. I could make it not be. I could take it from me and put it in the air above and behind my shoulders where it would fester with a hellish irridescence. So there it is. And here,distant from it I am. Let it blaze. I am immune,protected. Forever. Nothing can hurt me anymore.
 
Tinfoil
It's a hell of a way to go through life, making ourselves miserable in a vain attempt to feel better. And it doesn't matter if it's physical or mental, a self beating is pretty shitty.
I took the mental approach and kept myself small and insignificant to those around me, even though I was bolshie and argumentitive. But the bolshie part was misdirected anger.
My personal achievements were zero, I had 30 years of being an "also ran"
I don't do that any more, I've seen what I can do, I know how clever I really am, and best of all I recognise my good and bad qualities. I still have shitty / depressive times, but I know what it's like on both sides so I try to steer myself the right way.
I finally recognise that my abusers are fucking scumbags, and doomed to remain so.
I'm not, I've left them behind
 
Glad to hear that things are turning out okay,Lloydy. When you're a kid and the World's run by adults,who you gonna blame? Can't be the adults. I recall those silent conversations with myself all those decades ago. And in fact extending up to several years ago. That makes it around 40 years. I asked myself "What am I? What am I really?". Answer was always the same. "You're a monster. You're a motherfucker. Not a joke motherfucker. A for-real motherfucker. Your existence insults God. Your contribution to humanity is urine and feces. You hav'nt even got the guts to kill yourself. Think how many men have died for God and Country. And here you sit making a whine. You're pathetic.
You deserve nothing,will achiev nothing. No-one will ever love you after they find out what you are. Which they will do. There's no escape for you. Kill yourself. Think of the lowest foulest thing you can envision. Have you got that in your mind now? Good. You're lower than that thing. Kill yourself,coward. Do at least one fucking thing that people can say good things about you because of".
I'm still alive. That's a bit of a miracle.
 
Do we have recover to a state where we begin to think like "normal" adults to begin to see how adults shafted us when we were supposed be kids ?
My abuse was discovered at school, after an early incident where I was raped by 5 or 6 older boys because I was backing away from the low level abuse their leader had started with me, it was a show of force. I was given a pack of 10 cigarettes as payment to shut me up. Walking away from my ordealI was found in possesion of them by a teacher and marched off to the headmaster. I was also dirty and disheveled as I did put up a bit of a fight.
I was questioned for a long while about who I'd been fighting with and eventually I gave him the whole, true story. I was sent away while he questioned the rapists. Obviously they lied and stuck together and were believed.
I was sent for again and caned for the cigarettes, and for fighting- twelve strokes in all. I was branded a liar and trouble maker. I was never examined by the matron or anything, my arse was bleeding before the caning, proof if he bothered to look.
this obviously gave them free reign over me and the abuse went on for another 4 years.
I hate the headmaster more than my rapists, he may as well have bent me over the desk and fucked me instead of caning me. The most powerful man in my world didn't believe me, who else could I tell ? The scumbag died many years ago, otherwise I would be haunting him.
I too retreated into a world without adults, I became the trouble maker I was branded as a kid, I rebeled as a young adult in the '70's and hated normal adult behaviours.
I thought I was so useless it wasn't worth the effort of trying to conform. I was an olympic slacker.
I've detached myself off into other places for as long as I can remember, still do sometimes.
And I still have problems with authority figures, Is that a surprise ?
 
Hi Lloydy. Because of what happened to us,we avoid confrontation. Out there rubbing shoulders with society that characteristic is often appraised as
a weakness,vulnerability. It is on their part..a misjudgement. Because of what happened to us we end up pushing a broom across a floor. Minimum wage loser jobs. The fellows we're forced to work with..well here in America I conceptualized them as "rednecks". Long story but I've left a number of rednecks laying on the cold cement workplace floor starring up at me with astonished facial expressions,blood running from the corners of their mouths. That's why I'm lucky to have been given an inheritance-of-monies. It's been over a decade since I've collected a paycheck. No-one will hurt me again. Nor I hurt them.
 
By the way. I'll bet that characteristic is not uncommon among adult survivors of childhood molestation. Avoiding confrontation at almost any cost. And that trait drawing the attention of bullies who attack the victim relentlessly until the victim responds violently. This happening most-often in the workplace environment. The childhood molestation made it impossible for me to interact normally with others in the give & push of life. I could'nt protect myself like others could. Others saw that,viewed me as a coward.
 
Ask the guys I've had by the throat over the years !!
Not any more, I now realise I'm as smart as they are, or smarter, and I wont be climbed all over. And figuring that out has quelled my anger, I just walk away now- with a fucking smug look on my face.
:D
 
Hi Lloydy. Cerebral wins almost every time over stupid bullies. And by the way I happen to love the Brits' dry sense of humor. I learned to emulate it years ago. The technique is decidedly vicious. A Brit can insult a guy and the guy sits there for an hour wondering what just happened. Eventually it dawns on him. I love it!
 
"There is no sin except stupidity"

Oscar Wilde ( ok, he's Irish- but it's close )
 
I always was afraid of my anger. When I was a teenager (after the abuse stopped) I would get explosively angry and then no one would bother me for a while. Later on, after a particularly scary incident, I became someone that got taken advantage of in the workplace and at home. I aquiesced to any threat, real or not, I avoided confrontation at all costs. I developed into a concensus type of manager where I made sure that everyone bought into what needed to be done. I ended up always being in the middle of things, always smoothing over the rough spots in everyone else existence and seldom giving myself any slack.

Since I've started dealing with my abuse issues, I've changed. I haven't grabbed anyone by the throat, yet, but I stand up for myself and my ideas. Some of the diplomacy survival skills that I developed earlier come in handy now. I can tell people to go to hell in such a way that they'll look forward to the trip. Some of them never knew what hit them. I love it.

Take care of yourselves guys, we're all in this together.

Steve
 
Surviving and getting better takes all kinds of strengths, is it any surprise that they rub off into our "normal" lives. I do things now I wouldn't have contemplated a few years ago. Sometimes I surprise myself, and I love it.
Lloydy :D
 
YOU KNOW,,,I HAVE READ ALL WHAT YOU GUYS HAVE WRITTEN, AND I NOW FEEL DIFFERENT ABOUT MYSELF...JUST A LITTLE THO. AND I CAN SEE SOME LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, I JUST NEEDED TO LOOK FOR IT, AND READING HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF TINFOIL, AND YOU TOO LYODY, I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR SUCH HONESTY AND GUT FEELINGS. WHY SHOULD I HIDE, AND SNEEK AROUND WITH FEAR THAT SOMEONE MIGHT LOOK AT ME. SO, COME ON, LOOK AT ME. TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE, I CAN FEND FOR MYSELF TOO!!! TRY ME!

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HONESTY GUYS, HAVE A GREAT TIME FOUR WHEELING, AND BE CAREFUL LAYING ON THE SAND...FOR THE SAND DOTH HATH FLEAS! SCOT
 
Be cool Scot, you're the only one that counts.
Lloydy
 
Hi goflyakiteV. It's what we do when no-one's watching that's important. There's a little test I use to appraise others that I must associate with. I lay a small amount of money in plain site then walk away. After awhile I come back. If the money's gone that tells me all I need to know of the person left alone with it. There's other takeoffs on this. All involve trust. Most from my generation (1946) don't need a policeman present to make sure we do the right thing.
 
We have no reason to hide or feel small- just walk into a room and say to yourself "fuck 'em all, I'm just as good or better than they are !"
Lloydy
:D
 
You've got that tagged correctly,Lloydy. In the end we're alone with our private acknowlegements. Nothing from outside matters. Evil presents itself plainly. There are no gray regions. No justifications. We all screw up to varying degrees. That's what makes us human. There's a difference twixt those proud of the Thing and the others of whom society fears and hates.
 
TINFOIL-LLOYDY...THANKS!! I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY I STAY HERE AND READ ALL THIS STUFF....YOU GUYS. GOOD SENCE, GOOD COME BACKS, AND GOOD ADVICE, AT LEAST THATS MY POINT OF VIEW!

I BOW TO YOUR KNOLEGDE AND SUPPORT......SLEEP WELL TONIGHT.......SCOT ( 'THE FORMER ASSHOLE' ) ;)
 
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